These last few weeks have come to a standstill for me.
I've not gone to church. I've not worked on the book. I've not been in contact with many friends. Homeschooling has gradually slowed down. and I've been sporting the sweatpants and ratty-shirt-that's-long-enough-to-cover-my-belly look.
To the point that one of my daughters asked me "Why do you always wear that?" Ah yes, out of the mouths of
I've just not had the physical energy to do much. And even when I get those spurts of energy, I lack the emotional energy to do it. Yup, I'm definitely in the last phases of pregnancy. ;)
Every time I get this close to going into labor, my spirit begins to really war on finding a place that's secure in what I know the Lord has spoken over my deliveries.
And who I know him to be during those couple of hours when I get to participate in birthing life.
But
Honestly, I stress over the fact that I'm even struggling to find that place, you know? I argue inside myself that I shouldn't even have to fight this mental battle every. stinkin. time. Feeling that I should, instead, be able to ride on the coat-tails of last time's victory, easily walking into that place of previously gained access in the Spirit.
Yet. I do battle.
It's just seems to be reality for me, this need to come to terms with setting and re-setting (again and again) my mind on the things unseen. You know, since the SEEN is all around me.
Apparently, I'm highly distractable. And it's just reality that I have to continually remind myself that my perspective...as well as the perspective and experience of other people all around me...is NOT the barometer or the grid that I mold my life after.
(I don't believe that I will always struggle in this area of "radical faith". I'm trusting that as I continue to mature in Him and challenge my "faith muscles" on a regular basis, that it WILL be more natural. and I will be able to gain deeper access into His Truths...into the keys that unlock the manifestation of miracles)
But man, if it's not frustrating to feel like I'm having to essentially relearn this over and over.
But there's ONE thing that always comes in and pierces the heart of fear and doubts: A personal word from God.
One Word spoken from the Throne of Heaven, even if it's a simple one, is SO life-giving.
I mean, we can pray until we've thought of everything we can think of to say...spend hours telling the Lord our thoughts on a matter...try to convince ourselves that a scripture actually does apply to our personal experience.
BUT to have a God-Word spoken directly to you, even if it's just a simple, short sentence, makes all the difference in the world.
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
If there's anything I've learned in this journey of faith (especially regarding my labor and deliveries since that's been the area where I've continually fought to walk in the supernatural) it's that seeking Him, finding out what He has to say about something, and taking ahold of His vision and purpose and Now Word on my life brings me directly to that solid place of peace.
His Rama Word in my life cuts straight through my fear. my feeling inadequate. my everything. and gives me something tangible to hang onto. something weightier than myself. a Spiritual Truth that combats scientific facts.
...
The other night as Jet and I were laying in bed, I was just spent. I had been contracting all day. feeling lots of pressure. and just emotionally tired with trying to convince myself that I could deal with these daily and intensive "teaser labor symptoms" for a few more weeks.
Jet was quiet, positioning himself to hear from the Lord should he happen to want to tell us anything. And He did... Jet told me that he heard the Lord say, "This is going to be a gift to Christin."
There was more, but I didn't hear it. All I could do was smile and fall asleep. The Word brought an indescribable amount of peace to my heart... to the extent that I immediately fell asleep. not even hearing the rest of the sentence.
The reason that simple statement brought me so much deep peace? Because it was the exact thing I had been thinking about the days prior. the exact wording.
You see, the Lord had told me that exact thing regarding Charis's (my oldest daughter's) pending delivery: that Charis's miraculous delivery would be a gift to me.
And I had been silently thinking back to that 'gift promise' the entire week before. thinking about how I was hoping for the same thing (a God-gift) this time around, being that I haven't felt too "on top of it all" as far as contending for a supernatural delivery.
And here Jesus was telling Jet (who neither remembered the word from Charis's pregnancy nor that I was thinking about it now) that it was His intention to do just that!!!! :)
The next night I found out that there was more to it:
This season of her birth is significant. and that both she and the birth is a gift to me."
Sweet.
And just like that, Peace is attainable. because I know He is aware. He is involved. He has already made a way. and He is all about giving Good Gifts.
