So you turn on the TV for noise. Or surf the net to busy your brain. Or you eat. Or read a book to try and get caught up in someone else's life. Or call someone up, completely content to ignore the nagging feelings in the back of your head...
There are countless ways to numb our emotions. to
I know because I happen to be a master avoidance these days. or so it feels.
I'm sitting home alone. Jet has the girls, visiting his family down the road. I was just too tired to leave the house again...my pregnant body not really able to continue Go Mode. And since they've been gone, I've excessively eaten, mindlessly channel surfed, and pointlessly internet surfed. All simultaneously. Such the multi-tasker I am.
Just to busy my brain.
And in the midst of it all, I had to stop and ask...Why? Lord, what is going on inside me that drives me to avoid ME? WHAT is going on in my heart that is ultimately pushing me to be something that I don't even like?
Because I'm not an avoider...I'm not afraid of deep thinking...I'm not someone to run from a challenge.
But honestly, right now I'm just emotionally wading through. Not mentally able to keep up. Like I'm afraid to take a hard look at myself. Or so it feels.
*The light goes on*
As I'm writing this blog (remember: writing = processing for me), I'm also realizing that the current chapter (the book) that I'm working on is all about the way women view themselves. they way they feel about themselves on the deepest of levels.
Just to give you a little insider's information: What's been happening as I write this book is that I'm experiencing the very struggles and temptations and heartaches that the chapter deals with. Joy joy, let me tell you.
I didn't realize it until two months ago. I had gone at least a week battling a certain arena...feeling completely exposed and vulnerable to defend myself against an onslaught of mental attack. And then, *bam* it was like my eyes were opened to what was happening. to the reason behind why I was struggling:
With each chapter, God appears to specifically anoint me to write that topic. And with that anointing comes the *cough cough* opportunity to feel deeply the emotions and struggles and spiritual reality of the battle behind the chapter's subject.
It's almost like God takes my hand and walks me straight to the Gates of Hell...so I can see the particular battle, feel it on a very personal, intense level, and then gain access to overcome it.
It's just easy for me to get caught up in the overwhelming feelings of it all, that I forget that He's there beside me, totally intending to give me spiritual insight...not a headache.
If only I'd just take my eyes off of the way I feel.
I'm sure I'm not explaining it as well as I could. But...eh. I'm heavy in the emotional throes of it right now. I suppose that means clarity and the ability to form words will come...soon? ;)
Anyway, that's where I am right now. (Or so I'm figuring it all out as I type *laughing*) ...in the midst of an apparent "Anointing Session", where I get to suddenly feel a whole lot of emotions surrounding my very identity and confidence and personal ability/desire to quiet my heart to take an honest look at both.
A season that I'm trusting will give me access to the anointing I'm praying this chapter will carry. to the authority I'm believing our words will contain. and to the freedom that I'm hoping women will find.
So even though I'm personally feeling Done (Really. I'm SOOO emotionally done on so many realms), I want to press in. *this is me trying to convince myself* ;)
God give me strength is all I can say. Because I'm not sure I'm up to the task. Or so it feels. ;)
