...And they buried a son.
It's ironic to me that I've been nominated for Best Encouraging Blog. Because I these past few days I've had nothing to give. nothing but questions.
Actually even before that. for weeks I've felt less than encouraging. I'm sleep deprived. exhausted. and emotionally torn over many different aspects of my personal life. And I'm questioning many many things.
Encouraged yet?
Yeah. Me neither.
This past week, we heard of a young couple who lost a son. My husband was actually holding our precious 2 month old when he heard, causing Jet to immediately weep.
because their son was also an infant (5 weeks).
I didn't know them. I had only seen them a few times. a few years ago. I didn't know the child. I wasn't even aware that he lived.
But I'm very aware that he died.
I have miscarried three times. painful experiences, to be sure. Yet I have no concept of what they are feeling in this moment. the nightmare that they're forced to wake up to every morning.
And I grieve deeply for them. strangers who now have my prayers.
Would you pray with me? Jesus is the only thing that can bring healing to this kind of sorrow.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
November 19, 2008
February 19, 2008
Closure
The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. During the day when children loudly play underfoot, there was no time for thinking. or mourning.
Then night would come in all its unavoidable silence. It was in these moments when questions. tears. and pain would emerge.
Jet would just sit and listen as I'd talk and cry and pray, rolling the loss around and around in my head. Things emerged during that private time with my husband that I desire to neither articulate nor share. But for me, those raw moments were the path to closure.
And Today felt like complete closure: The funeral and celebration of her life. A gathering of her family and friends.
During the Celebration, a few of her family shared their hearts. Just hearing them (her brother and sister) speak of the Comfort they've received ...the way that they had seen God in the midst of it...brought immeasurable comfort to my own heart. The Grace that surrounded them somehow covered me.
I know in my heart that Janet dances with the King. And that the King has made a way for those who deeply grieve for her earthly absence. Though I am fully able to embrace my grieve, I also fully embrace Him.
He is faithful. And I choose to wait and watch for His Faithfulness to unfold in this situation. In all its detailed splendor.
Thank you for praying. Please continue to pray for her husband and children. That they will continue to feel surrounded and held. Even after the last flower arrangement has been put away. And the night comes with all its unavoidable silence.
Then night would come in all its unavoidable silence. It was in these moments when questions. tears. and pain would emerge.
Jet would just sit and listen as I'd talk and cry and pray, rolling the loss around and around in my head. Things emerged during that private time with my husband that I desire to neither articulate nor share. But for me, those raw moments were the path to closure.
And Today felt like complete closure: The funeral and celebration of her life. A gathering of her family and friends.
During the Celebration, a few of her family shared their hearts. Just hearing them (her brother and sister) speak of the Comfort they've received ...the way that they had seen God in the midst of it...brought immeasurable comfort to my own heart. The Grace that surrounded them somehow covered me.
I know in my heart that Janet dances with the King. And that the King has made a way for those who deeply grieve for her earthly absence. Though I am fully able to embrace my grieve, I also fully embrace Him.
He is faithful. And I choose to wait and watch for His Faithfulness to unfold in this situation. In all its detailed splendor.
Thank you for praying. Please continue to pray for her husband and children. That they will continue to feel surrounded and held. Even after the last flower arrangement has been put away. And the night comes with all its unavoidable silence.
February 14, 2008
Mommy, are you going to die?
Yesterday, I had the girls sit down with me to pray for "Jessica's Mommy" (refer to previous two posts). They knew her, as most kids identify adults... by their children.
Janet and Jessica had been over here to play. We had gone over to their house to ride horses. Janet taught their Sunday school classes. My girls knew who she was, up close and personal.
So I figured they could pray.
Charis prayed, "Jesus, help Ms. Janet to get better and don't let her die because parents can't die when there are kids still in the house..."
She pauses and looks up at me. "Right, mommy?"
I don't remember what I managed to say.
Today after the news of Janet's death, I was careful not to mention it to them. Not that I aim to shelter my girls from the truth of death. I knew they would find out. But I wasn't ready to go there. I needed to grieve without an onslaught of questions.
And then this afternoon, the phone rang. It was my sister. I quietly asked her if she had heard.... and Charis, who apparently never misses anything, picked up on the one telltale word I used. Because after I got off the phone (10 seconds later) she said, "Did Jessica's Mommy die?"
Yes, honey.
I don't know....
Tonight, as we let the girls watch our wedding video for the first time, Charis walked over to me and Jet. She spoke of her wedding...and how she'd be a mommy and I'd be a grandma. "And you'll still be living when I have kids, right?" She embraces both of us at once.
*sigh*
How do you explain to a 3 and 5 year old? How do you fill in the blanks for them when you don't have the words (or knowledge)? How do you give them comfort when they just watched their friend lose their mommy? How do you understand all that goes on in their head when you can't even understand half of what's going on in your own? How do you answer the very question that you can't even bring yourself to ask: "Why do mommies die when the kids are still in the house?"
God. As much as we adults need your comfort, I ask that you pour it out on the kids. ...All those young children that Ms. Janet's life touched on intimate levels.
Janet and Jessica had been over here to play. We had gone over to their house to ride horses. Janet taught their Sunday school classes. My girls knew who she was, up close and personal.
So I figured they could pray.
Charis prayed, "Jesus, help Ms. Janet to get better and don't let her die because parents can't die when there are kids still in the house..."
She pauses and looks up at me. "Right, mommy?"
I don't remember what I managed to say.
Today after the news of Janet's death, I was careful not to mention it to them. Not that I aim to shelter my girls from the truth of death. I knew they would find out. But I wasn't ready to go there. I needed to grieve without an onslaught of questions.
And then this afternoon, the phone rang. It was my sister. I quietly asked her if she had heard.... and Charis, who apparently never misses anything, picked up on the one telltale word I used. Because after I got off the phone (10 seconds later) she said, "Did Jessica's Mommy die?"
Yes, honey.
"Why do mommies and daddies die when the kids are still living?"
I don't know....
Tonight, as we let the girls watch our wedding video for the first time, Charis walked over to me and Jet. She spoke of her wedding...and how she'd be a mommy and I'd be a grandma. "And you'll still be living when I have kids, right?" She embraces both of us at once.
*sigh*
How do you explain to a 3 and 5 year old? How do you fill in the blanks for them when you don't have the words (or knowledge)? How do you give them comfort when they just watched their friend lose their mommy? How do you understand all that goes on in their head when you can't even understand half of what's going on in your own? How do you answer the very question that you can't even bring yourself to ask: "Why do mommies die when the kids are still in the house?"
God. As much as we adults need your comfort, I ask that you pour it out on the kids. ...All those young children that Ms. Janet's life touched on intimate levels.
Prayer Request
Our friend has gone to be with the Lord.
Please, please pray for her young family. Four children aged 4 to 17. And especially for her husband, Brian.
And if you have the faith, pray that God would still perform a miracle where a Display of His Glory would unfold. I pray it is so.
Please, please pray for her young family. Four children aged 4 to 17. And especially for her husband, Brian.
And if you have the faith, pray that God would still perform a miracle where a Display of His Glory would unfold. I pray it is so.
In John 11:4 when Jesus heard about Lazarus's illness, his response was: "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory, that God's Son may be glorified through it."
December 6, 2007
The Dead Raised...
This is a testimony from an old YWAM friend, Lubens. Because my computer is in the process of being rebuilt, I can't scan in a picture of him. Do you ywam-blogger-friends remember him?
I'm going to set the stage before using his words....
Lubens, a Native Haitian, was leading a SST (Season of Service and Training...a ywam summer "camp"geared towards middle- and high-schoolers) to Jacmel, Haiti. The first morning they were in Jacmel, a man came to Lubens asking him for help.
The man was a witch doctor.
His wife was extremely sick, having been cursed by another witch doctor. This man had done everything he could...seen all sorts of doctors, spent all of his money. But nothing worked. Feeling great shame that he could not heal his own wife, he left his town to move to the town of Jacmel.
And now, he was asking Lubens to drive him to the hospital. But Lubens felt the Lord tell him "No." Not understanding, Lubens could only obey. An hour later, the man came back. "My wife is worse. You are the only people in the village with a vehicle, can you please help me?" Lubens desperately wanted to help the man, but the Lord, again, said a resounding "NO."
In Luben's words (via a newsletter):
Later that morning, the students were scheduled to go into the neighborhoods to pray and give out Bibles. One particular group of students entered a house where they found a woman who they thought was "merely sleeping." She looked very sick so they began to pray for her healing so that she would be able to know God.
Never noticing that she wasn't breathing.
As they prayed, she opened her eyes and the students began to share with her the love God has for her. And she chose, in that moment, to receive God has her Savior. While they were talking and praying for her, her husband had returned home and stood behind the door just watching...
The students left and returned to share with us what they thought had happened: That they had prayed for a sick woman and God healed her. They proceeded to explain that they had invited the couple to the church service that evening.
That night the husband came, wanting to share with the students what had really happened. ...and I (Lubens) was amazed to see that it was the same man that asked me for a ride that morning!! The ride that the Lord had clearly said for me not to give. The man began to share:
All of us listening were shocked ourselves, as we had thought she was only sick. And here he was saying that she had died HOURS before the students had come to his house. In fact, he had been out looking for people to help carry her to the morgue.
One of the students (a 15 year old) summed it up when he said "If I had had any idea that she was dead, I never would have entered the house. But God used us anyway!!"
Lubens goes on to say:
Many times it hurts when we need to turn someone away because God said to do so. But what we need to know is that our little wisdom is not the same as our Father's. He has the big picture. And it is only He who sees all things and knows best how to order our steps. Jesus knew that by doing God's will it would be the best for everyone.
In John 11:4 when Jesus heard about Lazarus's illness, his response was: "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory, that God's Son may be glorified through it."
Lazarus died and four days later, Jesus raised him from the dead. Verse 40 caught my attention when Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
The degree that we believe God is the degree we will see His glory through our lives."
.......
The story goes on. But I just wanted to share that part because it impacted me greatly. You read stories like this in the Bible, but rarely get to hear them from a friend. And the fact that God used these young people...teens were just wanting to pray that someone receive an understanding of the love of God...blesses my heart to no end.
Lord, may we all have that innocent trust in You to show your love in dark places. We don't need to always understand the details...we just need to embrace the fact that You love. And you've called us to, simply, share that love.
...even to the witch doctors.
I'm going to set the stage before using his words....
Lubens, a Native Haitian, was leading a SST (Season of Service and Training...a ywam summer "camp"geared towards middle- and high-schoolers) to Jacmel, Haiti. The first morning they were in Jacmel, a man came to Lubens asking him for help.
The man was a witch doctor.
His wife was extremely sick, having been cursed by another witch doctor. This man had done everything he could...seen all sorts of doctors, spent all of his money. But nothing worked. Feeling great shame that he could not heal his own wife, he left his town to move to the town of Jacmel.
And now, he was asking Lubens to drive him to the hospital. But Lubens felt the Lord tell him "No." Not understanding, Lubens could only obey. An hour later, the man came back. "My wife is worse. You are the only people in the village with a vehicle, can you please help me?" Lubens desperately wanted to help the man, but the Lord, again, said a resounding "NO."
In Luben's words (via a newsletter):
Later that morning, the students were scheduled to go into the neighborhoods to pray and give out Bibles. One particular group of students entered a house where they found a woman who they thought was "merely sleeping." She looked very sick so they began to pray for her healing so that she would be able to know God.
Never noticing that she wasn't breathing.
As they prayed, she opened her eyes and the students began to share with her the love God has for her. And she chose, in that moment, to receive God has her Savior. While they were talking and praying for her, her husband had returned home and stood behind the door just watching...
The students left and returned to share with us what they thought had happened: That they had prayed for a sick woman and God healed her. They proceeded to explain that they had invited the couple to the church service that evening.
That night the husband came, wanting to share with the students what had really happened. ...and I (Lubens) was amazed to see that it was the same man that asked me for a ride that morning!! The ride that the Lord had clearly said for me not to give. The man began to share:
"When I saw the three of you teenagers praying for people across the street from my house, I didn't realize that you could do something like 'this'. When you reached my house, I called to tell you not to enter. But I guess you didn't hear me.
When you entered, there was a forth person who followed behind you. He was very tall and had wings. And light just flowed all over him. I couldn't get my mind straight and for a moment thought that he was one of the spirits that I used to worship. But then I just knew that there was something different about him.
As you were praying, he stood watching. And when one of you asked God to give my wife another chance, he looked at me. Then walking to my wife lying on the bed, he touched her and she opened her eyes.
When I saw that , I wasn't sure if I was happy or scared. I just feel dumb with shock as I watched you talk and pray with her. I just couldn't believe that she was alive again."
All of us listening were shocked ourselves, as we had thought she was only sick. And here he was saying that she had died HOURS before the students had come to his house. In fact, he had been out looking for people to help carry her to the morgue.
One of the students (a 15 year old) summed it up when he said "If I had had any idea that she was dead, I never would have entered the house. But God used us anyway!!"
Lubens goes on to say:
Many times it hurts when we need to turn someone away because God said to do so. But what we need to know is that our little wisdom is not the same as our Father's. He has the big picture. And it is only He who sees all things and knows best how to order our steps. Jesus knew that by doing God's will it would be the best for everyone.
In John 11:4 when Jesus heard about Lazarus's illness, his response was: "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory, that God's Son may be glorified through it."
Lazarus died and four days later, Jesus raised him from the dead. Verse 40 caught my attention when Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
The degree that we believe God is the degree we will see His glory through our lives."
.......
The story goes on. But I just wanted to share that part because it impacted me greatly. You read stories like this in the Bible, but rarely get to hear them from a friend. And the fact that God used these young people...teens were just wanting to pray that someone receive an understanding of the love of God...blesses my heart to no end.
Lord, may we all have that innocent trust in You to show your love in dark places. We don't need to always understand the details...we just need to embrace the fact that You love. And you've called us to, simply, share that love.
...even to the witch doctors.
May 28, 2007
'Til Death do us part
This morning before church, we saw a baby bird in one of our front flower beds. It still had the baby fluff feathers and was sitting quietly. Obviously the time had come for it to be kicked out of the nest. I love watching birds learn to fly, so I figured my young girls would too.
I promptly got them back out of the car so they could come see the cute little bird and hear the process of learning to fly. Gotta grab those educational moments while you can. *wink* They were fascinated.
Fast forward a few hours...
Baby Bird has moved to the center of a brick walkway. Only a few feet from where he was last seen. Only this time, its legs are strangely bent in unnatural directions; it wasn't moving as it should. I knew immediately something was wrong. Yes, I know. Power of deduction is a forte of mine.
Suddenly this little creature had the attention of our entire family. Well, minus the infant. My tender-hearted husband even talked about finding its nest and placing it back in so its mother could take care of it. But we couldn't find the nest. So he opted to give it something to drink, being that it had been out in the heat of the day for hours. He held it gently in his gloved hand, trying to coax it to drink from the dropper, but its neck flung around uncontrollably. Seconds after I took a picture of "Daddy saving bird", it died.
Charis, my 4 year old, burst into tears. "It died?" She was broken-hearted. As was I, admittedly. I've always hated to see things suffer. Especially something so cute as this. (insert: I had absolutely NO issues killing the snakes though! ...that story is to come)
After crying and crying, she composed herself enough to ask, "Will its mommy be sad?" THIS was the heart of my daughters sadness. Not that the bird died, but that it left behind family. Even last week, as I was showing her a documentary on seals, there came a part of the video where a sealion attacked one and ate it. Immediately she started to cry (I had no idea that scene was in there!). But she didn't grieve that the sea lion ATE the seal, as you would assume since it was a rather bloody scene. But she asked, "Was it a MOMMY seal?!"
I lied, as most clueless parents do in the heat of a traumatic moment that has taken you off guard. "No. it wasn't a mommy. In fact, that seal didn't have any family at all." I smiled, thinking that she would catch my sarcasm. But she didn't. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and took a deep breath. "It didn't?" "Uh? No." "Oh...okay." And that was that.
But she knew that this baby bird had a mommy. I was the one that told her SHE pushed the, now, victimized bird out of the nest this morning. *big sigh*
So as I hold her tight and try to console her, my mind goes in 10 different directions. What could I say to ease her pain? I blurt out, "We could bury it so other animals don't eat it." Fresh, explosive sobs. Okay. Wrong thing to say. Even as I was saying it, I knew the whole "other animals eating it" bit was wrong, but the words wouldn't stop flying out of my mouth. Thank God that she stopped and said, "In a little box?" She actually smiled. Ahh yes. That's my girl, helping mommy get her food out of her mouth. "Yes! In a box."
So THAT heart issue taken care of, she, without giving me a moment to recover said, "Is that how I'M going to lay down when I'm dead?" Oh Lord...give me wisdom.
It's not that this whole "question death" scenerio is new to us. She's been at it for at least a few months now. It possibly started when we lost a baby last year (4 months pregnant). She knew the baby was in there...we had talked about it for a long time. And she knew when the baby died. At that point, questions started to emerge. But it wasn't until the past 4 months or so that she really started to verbalize them: questions about death and heaven and who is in heaven.
It's the last one, the who is in heaven, that she usually attacks with a passionate curiosity. One day, she asked who she'd see in heaven. So I started to list off some people "...and Papa (my granddaddy) is in heaven..."
IMMEDIATELY, tears well up in her eyes. Her lower lip juts out. "Papa?" She takes a deep breath to try and control the sob that I can tell is about to come forth. "But I LOVE Papa." My mind goes crazy...she's never met my Papa...what in the world? OHHHH! Finally, I clue in and realize that she thinks I'm talking about Don S., the beloved man at church that she calls Papa. I make sure she knows that Don has not died and will, in fact, be waiting for their weekly hug on Sunday.
Oh how the depths of a little girl's heart knows NO limit. God, help me to not crush that. But to nuture it. YET, at the same time, to teach her how to know the difference between whining/manipulation. and crying because of a truly broken heart.
I promptly got them back out of the car so they could come see the cute little bird and hear the process of learning to fly. Gotta grab those educational moments while you can. *wink* They were fascinated.
Fast forward a few hours...
Baby Bird has moved to the center of a brick walkway. Only a few feet from where he was last seen. Only this time, its legs are strangely bent in unnatural directions; it wasn't moving as it should. I knew immediately something was wrong. Yes, I know. Power of deduction is a forte of mine.
Suddenly this little creature had the attention of our entire family. Well, minus the infant. My tender-hearted husband even talked about finding its nest and placing it back in so its mother could take care of it. But we couldn't find the nest. So he opted to give it something to drink, being that it had been out in the heat of the day for hours. He held it gently in his gloved hand, trying to coax it to drink from the dropper, but its neck flung around uncontrollably. Seconds after I took a picture of "Daddy saving bird", it died.
Charis, my 4 year old, burst into tears. "It died?" She was broken-hearted. As was I, admittedly. I've always hated to see things suffer. Especially something so cute as this. (insert: I had absolutely NO issues killing the snakes though! ...that story is to come)
After crying and crying, she composed herself enough to ask, "Will its mommy be sad?" THIS was the heart of my daughters sadness. Not that the bird died, but that it left behind family. Even last week, as I was showing her a documentary on seals, there came a part of the video where a sealion attacked one and ate it. Immediately she started to cry (I had no idea that scene was in there!). But she didn't grieve that the sea lion ATE the seal, as you would assume since it was a rather bloody scene. But she asked, "Was it a MOMMY seal?!"
I lied, as most clueless parents do in the heat of a traumatic moment that has taken you off guard. "No. it wasn't a mommy. In fact, that seal didn't have any family at all." I smiled, thinking that she would catch my sarcasm. But she didn't. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and took a deep breath. "It didn't?" "Uh? No." "Oh...okay." And that was that.
But she knew that this baby bird had a mommy. I was the one that told her SHE pushed the, now, victimized bird out of the nest this morning. *big sigh*
So as I hold her tight and try to console her, my mind goes in 10 different directions. What could I say to ease her pain? I blurt out, "We could bury it so other animals don't eat it." Fresh, explosive sobs. Okay. Wrong thing to say. Even as I was saying it, I knew the whole "other animals eating it" bit was wrong, but the words wouldn't stop flying out of my mouth. Thank God that she stopped and said, "In a little box?" She actually smiled. Ahh yes. That's my girl, helping mommy get her food out of her mouth. "Yes! In a box."
So THAT heart issue taken care of, she, without giving me a moment to recover said, "Is that how I'M going to lay down when I'm dead?" Oh Lord...give me wisdom.
It's not that this whole "question death" scenerio is new to us. She's been at it for at least a few months now. It possibly started when we lost a baby last year (4 months pregnant). She knew the baby was in there...we had talked about it for a long time. And she knew when the baby died. At that point, questions started to emerge. But it wasn't until the past 4 months or so that she really started to verbalize them: questions about death and heaven and who is in heaven.
It's the last one, the who is in heaven, that she usually attacks with a passionate curiosity. One day, she asked who she'd see in heaven. So I started to list off some people "...and Papa (my granddaddy) is in heaven..."
IMMEDIATELY, tears well up in her eyes. Her lower lip juts out. "Papa?" She takes a deep breath to try and control the sob that I can tell is about to come forth. "But I LOVE Papa." My mind goes crazy...she's never met my Papa...what in the world? OHHHH! Finally, I clue in and realize that she thinks I'm talking about Don S., the beloved man at church that she calls Papa. I make sure she knows that Don has not died and will, in fact, be waiting for their weekly hug on Sunday.
Oh how the depths of a little girl's heart knows NO limit. God, help me to not crush that. But to nuture it. YET, at the same time, to teach her how to know the difference between whining/manipulation. and crying because of a truly broken heart.
There are those people that say being a parent is a cake walk. I'm yet to be invited to that tea party.
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