Looking back...and pressing forward

Last week...April 13th to be exact...was a huge milestone for me. For I turned 16 weeks pregnant.

It was at my routine 16th week OB appointment (March 2006) where I went in to hear a heartbeat of my unborn baby (Asher). ...and found none. But instead learned that my little one had secretly died inutero. There were no signs. No real worries. It just happened.

A few months later, when I was pregnant with Raegan, I battled fear. Every day prior to the 16th week, I was always wondering. always wanting to be so careful. always questioning every cramp or twinge. I would unintentionally hold my breath when the midwife would go to listen for the heartbeat. Half-expecting to hear "I'm sorry there isn't one".

But this pregnancy, I've been supernaturally at peace. The weeks have flown by to the point that I can hardly believe that I'm already past 17 weeks!

Yes, there have been a few rare days where I found myself fighting an emotional battle over the goings-on within the hiddenness of my womb. But, for the most part, I have been able to rest secured. holding onto the Gems of Hope that God has given me during this pregnancy.

And that is what I want to remind myself of. to document. and to share.

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When I found out I was pregnant, it was not by a home-test. But by a doctor's phone call.

A month prior, I started seeing an Endocrinologist, where lots of routine blood work was done. With results showing that I basically had No TSH.

"You cannot get pregnant when you have no TSH. I cannot stress that enough. You can not get pregnant. Okay?"

Uh. Alright. But what if I already am?

"Do you think you are?"

No. but what if?

The next morning, she called. To tell me that I was pregnant. And then before I could even comprehend the impact of what she had said, she was racing onward. Explaining her strategic plan of what we would do from here.

Her first suggestion? I go on Progesterone to fight against another first trimester miscarriage. Alright. Sounds good. Let's do it.

And so the very next day, I was on a medication that about knocked me over. The side effects were horrible. Which got me to wondering...what is this doing to 10 month-old Raegan when she nurses?

And thus began an onslaught of phone calls. my leaving message after message. Asking questions that would go unanswered for days due to intraoffice miscommunication. And then...the varying opinions from the Endocrinologists and the OBs.

I felt I was left to decide, as a parent, which child to favor. My nursing child? Or the one I cradled in my womb? The scenerio left me in broken-hearted tears.

"Ironically," my church had been planning an evening service. One focused on praying for the sick...

So I went. Having only known about the pregnancy for 48 hours. Still reeling from the physical impact of this new medication. And feeling as if I was fighting a battle for my children in silence (as only three people knew we were expecting). All because MY OWN body was failing.

That night, the church was packed out as ministry team members walked around praying for people. I happened to be in the back. Standing right behind a friend...and ministry team member...Julie.

I grabbed her and just asked her to pray. Not telling her anything about what I was dealing with. On any level. Only relying on the fact that I knew she would not just babble out words to sound good...but would wait to hear God's heart for me and pray into that.

She prayed for a while. A lot of things that really hit home. But then she prayed something I will never ever forget...

"There's LIFE in the blood. LIFE in the blood. LIFE in the blood."

Sobs from deep within rose up, as she prayed that phrase over and over. Even though she had no concept of its impact, God did. And I did. As my endocrinologist had basicallly said that the hormone levels in my blood would put my baby at risk. essentially not being able to sustain its life. In my mind... basically killing it.

But here was God. Putting this prophetic prayer into the heart of my friend. For the sole purpose of privately speaking hope to my heart. and life into my blood.

The next week, I had to go back for more blood work. Miraculously, my TSH levels were within normal range. I have the before bloodwork papers. And the after. There's no other explanation outside of God.

He healed me. And in doing so, protected the life of my unborn baby.
..............


About 4 weeks later, I shared on the blog that we were expecting. Almost immediately I got an email from a friend, Lisa, telling me that God had laid it on her heart to pray for me...and my pregnancy... the week before!!!


He was raising up prayer warriors on my baby's behalf, even when no one knew of its existence outside of Jet, me, and the Realm of Heaven!! :)

...............


On April 16th, as I lie in bed the night before my 16th week OB appointment, I began to go over and over scenarios of what I would do if there was no heartbeat. I wasn't trying to be morbid; it's just where my thoughts were going, in an effort to mentally prepare, I suppose.

But right in the midst of my thoughts, I felt a very distinct, very hard kick from a very alive little baby. A little baby that was wanting to make its presence known.

A kick that I know God instigated. Again, for the sole purpose to bring my heart hope and peace.
.................

The term Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome has been thrown around concerning my body for years and years. Essentially,meaning that every time I am pregnant it is nothing less than a miracle. As every doctor has said I'll have, at the very least, a hard time becoming pregnant.

I do not.

In fact, my endocrinologist couldn't believe get over the fact that we don't have a problem. When she continued to ask us, Jet just laughed and said "Does it look like we have a hard time?" :)
.................

All during this pregnancy, the Lord has continued to give me peace. And a knowing that He sees this little one. and is protecting and interceding in ways that I cannot.

So even though my doctor advised that I "cannot get pregnant!"...God thought differently. And He placed within me a Miracle.

I'm trading up

When I lost Asher (@4 mo. preg), this picture really ministered to me.

No, I don't think that my children are now angels. But just the thought of my baby being cradled when I was unable to filled me with peace. I stared at this picture. taped it to my computer. carried it around with me.

Now, over the past few years, I have lost three children to miscarriage. And there are times when I look at our family and feel like children are missing. So though I've yet to meet them this side of heaven, I love them. I miss them. And I feel, as a mother, almost incomplete without them... You need to know this before I can tell you a story.

Not too long back, I was walking on the treadmill when the Lord asked me a rather odd question. One that shook me to my very core.

"Would you trade your three daughters for the three children in heaven that you don't know?"

What?!

The thought so struck me that I started to cry on the spot. Because no, I'd never want to NOT have Charis, Selah, or Raegan. Knowing those three little girls is joy indescribable. They are precious in and out. Yet I DO desire to know and experience the personalities of my other three children.

For I love them. Seren. Jordan. Asher. At least the idea of them because I obviously don't know them in the way I know the three I've birthed and held. But regardless, they are mine. I carried them. I heard heartbeats. I felt kicks. I had dreams for each and every one of them. So they are very real in my heart...and in the realm of heaven.

But what if it had been Charis, Selah, and Raegan that I lost? I never would have known of their sweetness had I lost them instead. So what would life be like had things been different? On and on my thoughts raced as I silently processed this Random Question.

And truly, I have a hard time putting them into words. For, at the time, I had a hard time grasping them with my mind.

But I do remember that the Lord interrupted my thoughts and said, "Is your love for them (the "unknown" children) deep enough that you are willing to sacrifice that which you do know and love (my 3 girls)... so that you can experience your 'heavenly babies' instead?"

My heart broke because I couldn't bring myself to even form an answer. While I'm assuming that knowing the 'heavely babies' would be amazing, I can't make sense of giving up what I do know for something else. For something that only holds promise, but doesn't, at this time, manifest it.

And it became obvious to me that THAT was/is what He was asking me. The heart of it was not to ask if I was willing to swap children for children. But to open up my spirit in the deepest way possible...by inquiring of my love for my children...so that I coul better understand true sacrifice.

Essentially he was asking me:

Is my love for Him...for the unknown plans that He has in store for me... greater than the love I hold for the things that I do know? for my current circumstance's reality? AM I willing to sacrifice that which I know for that which He has planned in secret? Do I TRUST Him to fill my life with unimaginable blessings as I willingly surrender my life as I know it?

"He who loses his life will find it."

It's always been such a "normal" scripture to me. Sure. I lose my life. I die to self...to my desires...to my flesh in order to one day live in paradise with Him. But I think it's more than that. It's more than just ending up in heaven at the end of my life.

When the disciples asked God to teach them how to pray. He prayed this: Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Because He desires for us to live DEEP, RICH lives here on earth. In the NOW. And though I don't know the fullness of that reality YET, I do know that I love the IDEA of it.

So I have to ask myself: AM I holding too tightly to the things that I know? to the things that my limited knowledge understands? that my arms can physically embrace? and in the process missing out on getting to know the things that God has stored up for me in heaven? ...and is waiting to release here on earth?

I KNOW that God isn't asking me to give up my children, but rather to embrace His unknown for me.

I have to make that clear to anyone reading this. And I don't even know if this even made sense to anyone besides me. But I had to document it. Because in that moment, the Presence of God was so profound and so tangible that I know He was very serious about the question...about the heart issue behind it. And writing helps me to process...

Now, to embrace "losing my life"...trading what I know for what only He knows...so I may find *life* in Him.

One year ago...

It amazes me how time can heal almost any wound. A year ago, I had just come through one of the hardest seasons of my life...

It was a regular OB appointment. I would meet with the midwife, she would check the heartbeat, give me a glowing report of the growth of my baby, and I would finally get to schedule the sonogram appointment (the one where you get to find out the gender of the baby). I had no reason to worry.

Even though I had lost two other babies, I was 4 months pregnant...past the "iffy" first trimester. I had already felt this robust baby move. OTHER people had already felt this little one move. The midwife and I had joked about the spunky personality of this little one. I was envisioning a hefty football player. A little brother for my two little girls.

I layed back so the midwife could move the little wand over my belly, finding the heartbeat. But she was having trouble. "Yeah, you've had trouble before," I reminded her. "My uterus is retroverted." OH! Okay, then I'll just try it this way. She repositioned her instrument.

Nothing.

"Christin, I'm sorry but I'm not finding anything. It's probably just me being dumb. But I just want to check with a sonogram."

Panic. But just a bit. I mean, what reason did I have to worry? I just felt the baby...what was it?...a week or so ago? Oh. huh. My thoughts turned. I hadn't been feeling the baby recently, but I figured it was just because I was only 16 weeks. Doctors don't expect you to even feel the baby before 17-20 weeks. I had no reason to worry. right? I called my husband to ask him to come for the sonogram. Just hearing his voice caused me to cry.

I still remember it. I saw it before the sonographer spoke one word. The baby. Perfectly still. No heartbeat. No movement. I can still see the way that baby was laying in the uterus.

My hand flew to cover my face. Everything went blurry. Nothing made sense. She was saying something in soft, hushed tones. Surely this was not happening. Surely there was some mistake. MY baby was hearty. MY baby was fiesty. My baby was not dead. But the image on the sonogram screen said something different. I wanted to scream. to vomit. to pray for resurrection power over my child. But I did nothing. I just went numb.

They wanted to schedule the operation for as soon as possible. Alright. Sure. Whatever you say. I went through the motions. I called the hospital, I answered their questions. I endured an operation where the physician was so callus and cold that just watching "Grey's Anatomy" gave me sudden panic attacks for months afterwards. I was advised by the midwife to write a letter to the hospital, explaining the way I was treated during the operation to remove my baby. But I wasn't able to even think about the operation. So I couldn't bring myself to try and write an intelligent letter.

We named the baby Asher, after God kept telling me that was the name for this child. He kept telling me to go look up the meaning. Asher means "blessed". I didn't understand.

God gently said that He wanted me to be a "cheerful giver." Back and forth my emotions went. From "I will cheerfully give my child to the Lord." to "Why me? Why do we have to lose yet another baby? Why on earth would you want the baby to be named 'blessed', God!?" Extreme emotions became pretty normal.

A month later, I started having horrible stomach pains. An ambulance came and took me away. The hospital did a round of tests. Everything came back inconclusive. They gave me two options: get an operation tonight to remove my appendix. Or go home and come back tomorrow. Seriously? Those are my options? Surgery or rest at home? Man, you guys don't deal in the gray, do you? My husband refused to take me home. An emergency appendectomy was scheduled for the early morning hours. My surgeon said it was a good thing that we didn't go home. My appendix was hot to the touch. Good thing my husband had more sense than the ER interns.

Immediately following my surgery, other things happened. Horrible things involving other people's personal lives that I won't go into...which, in turn, impacted my life like an earthquake. I can't explain or fathom even to this day.

A month after the appendectomy, I found out I was pregnant with Raegan. Doubts and fear became a normal part of my existence. None of the normal "good signs" were good enough for me. Because our last pregnancy had been jammed full of all the good signs. I lived in a constant state of "what if?"

...Now, a little over a year later from when we first knew we were expecting Raegan....

I look at Raegan in awe. Knowing that had Asher not been taken to heaven, I would not be holding this precious little one. I look at the scripture, Matthew 6:20 a lot differently.

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I miss my three little treasures so much that, at times, it hurts. Our family doesn't really feel complete without them. I try to envision my home with three more little ones....
But I know that I will see them again. I will hold them in my arms. And I trust that God knows more than I do. that he sees things I cannot know this side of heaven. And I KNOW, without doubt, that my treasures ARE stored up in heaven. Waiting for me...

A friend of mine, who also experienced miscarriage, once said, "When I get to heaven, I want to hear two things. 'Well done, good and faithful servant.' and 'Welcome home, Dad'."

Me too...
Seren, Jordan, Asher, I love you. And I so look forward to the day I can finally see you. talk to you. embrace you, my heavenly treasures, in my arms.

I've come a long way in the past year. God's grace has covered me. And though I still don't understand...I know that I may never understand this side of heaven... I do trust.
And because of that, I am blessed.