I've sat down to write a few times over the last months. I've been asked by some readers when I'll start back. and I've been told by one friend, who knows a portion of what's been going on, that I really need to publish the things that are happening because they could minister and inspire so many.
Yet. I can't get around the fact that the kinds of things that have been happening just can't be fully recorded. That is, not if you're going to full relish in the moment.
...This morning as Raquel and I snuggled together, I couldn't help but to be completely overwhelmed with how adorable she was being. the way her mouth was moving to try out new sounds. the way she looked up at me. the way she kept touching my nose with her pointer finger as she lay there.
And I have to admit, I was tempted to get the video camera out so I could record that sweet, sweet moment in time. to replay it over and over again years from now.
But I knew once the camera came out, it'd lost the authenticity of the moment. It'd run the risk of taking on the role of paparazzi and reporter, sacrificing my ability to be a participant. forfeiting my chance to truly interact in the moment.
And that's what these past 6 months have been like.
While I've been so tempted to jump on the computer and take note of all that's happening in my life and relationship with Jesus, I know that once I step back to record, I'd actually miss the depth of the intention of God.
I told one friend it's been like I've been standing on the edge of Heaven. allowed to hear and watch some of what's going on. Every day it's been something new. Another challenge. Another insight. Another moment of bondage being broken.
I've seen angels and demons. I've physically felt the sting of spiritual warfare. I've been completely overwhelmed with the outpouring of Heavenly insight and new direction. etc etc etc.
In a word, it's been OVERWHELMING. In the best best best possible way.
And yes, I do hope to share soon. But for now, I wanted to tell you where I've been --> a fly on the wall of Heaven, desperately trying to interact, not document.
The TRUE heart of God, when displayed through tangible man, breaks me to pieces every time.
As I watched this I couldn't help but think about where I am struggling. where my faith is hobbling along. and I closed my eyes and imagined how and where God is intervening.
Take note of the time that the trainer tries to come and make the runner stop, most likely for "his own good". See the dad remove his hand and shoo him off? Yeah. That's MY God....pushing off the naysayers, while He holds me up. knowing that I CAN finish this.
I don't have time to write right now. But that above statement pretty much sums up the atmosphere of our house these last three months. and the reason why I haven't had time to write.
Sometimes it's hard for me to give a true, uninhibited expression of my heart, circumstances, and God-experiences in this blog, knowing all the different people who read these most intimate thoughts of mine.
But then I remind myself that this itty bitty iota of the internet is, ultimately, for my daughters. I want them to know my heart. I want them tosee the work of God in our lives. I want them to have a life-scrapbook of sorts to look back on, as a testament of His Work in my heart. in our family.
Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren. Deuteronomy 4:9
So for them, and for no other reason, I write.
pictured because she's one of the sweet little faces that I write for. :)
... Do you ever feel like God has called you out? set you apart to do great things? Yeah, I guess that should actually describe everyone who calls themselves Christians, huh? We ARE a people set apart. (1 Peter 2:9)
But sadly, there seems to be less and less of the "set apart" and more and more of the blurred line of "trendy living".
These days, it seems that everything is going more decisively towards mainstream... even the Church at large. As Hollywood deems it should be, so it becomes. making it very difficult to decipher between Mainstream Society and those who are called to be "in this world but not of it."
Ordaining homosexual ministers.
Hosting drinking parties, claiming "Well, Jesus drank."
Conversations degrading people who devote their lives to loving orphans...yet condoning others who devote their lives to loving money.
Embracing clothes styles that reveal too much.
Using "downtime" to support Primetime TV shows that glorify murder, adultery, homesexuality, lust, and crass humor.
My heart literally grieves over where we're heading as a Nation...and a Church.
I want with everything in me to guard my heart so that my life doesn't become that which grieves Him. And I'm finding that I have to know who I am (which means knowing THE I Am) in order to remain become who I want to be.
Because we, as a Church, shamefully look and sound the same as everybody else. making it excessively easier to be exactly what I don't want to be.
So what now? Do I spend my time pointing fingers and making judgments. NO.
Though I do believe that Christians are called to keep otherChristians accountable, I want to spend my (limited) energy on something other than setting my attentions on what I don't want to become.
Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. Colossians 3:2
I'm finding that the things (whatever they might be) that I focus on are the things that I begin to resemble/desire. Don't believe me? Then consider this: Has a crass cuss word ever shot through your thinking out of the blue? Well, it has for me...and the ONLY reason it would be readily available in my brain is because I hear it when watching (focusing my thoughts on) PG-13 movies. *sigh*
So these past few weeks have been spent realigning my sights onto HIM. reevaluating my life. taking a hard look at my priorities (not those I SAY I have, but those my time reveals I have). my relationships. my long-term goals...
And then seeing whether the way I spend my time matches up with the characteristics/life style I want to embody.
I'm determined to set a different standard, for my children's sake.
I don't want to live in a rut. I don't want to live status quo. I don't want to revolve my life around the computer or when a certain show comes on or when it's more convenient to be aggressively righteous.
Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth: I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. Matthew 10:34 (so yeah, the reason why I put "aggressively". Because this IS war.)
I want even MORE freedom than I'm experiencing now. I want to run with all I've got towards all that the Lord, out of his limitless generosity, says is mine. -healing...for me and for others. -intimate friendship with Him. -power to obliterate Hell and disease.
I want to live in way that off-sets anything else my girls may will see.
And no, not simply for the sake of being seen by them. But as any parent knows, the consequences of our decisions no longer live within the limited realm of Self. They show up time and again in the lives of our children.
Even the silent way I live is becoming the foundation for how my girls view what's acceptable in Life, and as a Follower of Christ. SO when I live life on the sidelines or with a certain attitude, they're picking it up and adopting it as their own, you know? *God help me*
So attitudes that allow pessimism or defeat when facing a person asking for prayer for a miracle need to go.
OR the defeatist mentality that warrants that I CAN'T lose this baby weight because "I'm 33 and have had 7 pregnancies in 8 years and I just need to accept it..." has to be severed from my thinking.
OR "I've never done XYZ before so I'm sure I wouldn't be any good at it so why bother trying"...OR the mindset that just sort of waits for life to invite me to be a part instead of causing LIFE to happen around me. Yeah, gotta kick those to the proverbial curb.
Those mindsets MUST be put to death IF I am to become who I was created to be, if I am to lead my daughters in the direction that they should go. You know, despite where mainstream society (and sometimes even the Church-at-large) wants to take us.
I want to be bold and daring and athletic and FEARLESS. Yet...most days I'm not, you know? Most days I take on the attitude of "Tomorrow, I'll..."
BUT I want to become "THAT" woman TODAY. I want to put off the things that hinder (the movies, the status quo living, the excessive computer time, the mindset that says I can't) so that I can RUN.
Today, I'm determined to not let who I have been dictate who I will be. For my daughters' sake, yes. But more so...for my own.
Some miracles display the awesome power of God. Like this story a YWAM friend sent me some years back where they prayed and someone was raised from the dead.
Some miracles display His intense desire to, first and foremost, woo your heart . Like this story where a friend was paralyzed for a year, people from her church faithfully prayed for her every week in her living room, and then one day...she took a step.
Some miracles happen right before your eyes as you step out in blind faith. Like the time the Lord literally told me to "blow on it"...and as I blew air on someone's badly infected boil, it disappeared right. before. my. eyes.
(I have no link to that story because I'm not even sure I've ever mentioned it. Crazily enough. :) Trust me, if I tried to document it all, I 'd be stuck to my computer day in and day out. His work in our home is that intense...and frequent. Love it.)
Every work of the Lord reveals yet another facet of his love for His Bride. It's just too deep to put to words, so he uses the framework of our lives as a display.
That said, not all miracles of the Lord are the same. One will reveal a specific expression of his heart, while another will unfold something entirely different. In the end, our stories combined reveal a God who's love is rather hard to resist.
So for me... The miracle that hit my life this past week reveals a side of Him that I think can sometimes get overlooked and underplayed in every day living: The tangible COMPASSION of God.
I mean, sure He has compassion on the blind guy. or the leper. or the guy who's been given 2 months to live because he has an incurable cancer. Those things are life impairing! But for Him to show compassion concerning something that is nothing outside of a bother, an embarrassment, and a frustration to me? *shrug*
Well, that defies reason.
The Story
In a nutshell, years ago my hormones levels went crazy, causing unwanted facial hair, especially along the jawline. I was *horrified*. I cannot stress that enough. But the clincher was when the OB said that once hair folicles are established, the hair remains. (even after hormone levels are stabilized.)
I think it'd be fairly accurate to say that with that statement my heart dropped.
Now I gotta say, this is embarrassing stuff for me just "put out there". Because honestly, I HATE that I've dealt with that. It's demoralizing as a woman. But bottom line, every one has something about themselves (physically) that they don't like. Right?
But it just becomes something that we learn to deal with, to hide. We learn to shadow it with makeup or mask it with clothes. We smile so as not to show our crooked teeth or position ourselves so that our "less than" feature is out of view.
Essentially, we become pros at concealing that which makes us feel less than. But I'm seeing that God wants to use those things to show himself More Than.
Over the years, I've casually asked Him to intervene....to, essentially do what doctors said wasn't possible: to cause the hair to just go away.
Yeah. I h.a.t.ed. that picture. Besides the fact that my face was still swollen from having a baby the day before, it was a total shot of the very thing I hate. That hair on my jawline.
You know, the hair that the OB said would never go away. Well, Mr. OB...I gotta say that the Lord IS the final say.
Last week, I noticed that it was alllll gone. Um, yeah. Just like that.
He's that concerned about the things that concern ME.
My heart is to never hide the works of God in my life. I've told Him that "I want to be transparent so that you can be seen through me." Even when that telling might cost me. Um yeah, that'a'be pride I'm talkin' 'bout!
The Lord will perfect that which concerns me. Psalms 138.8
Wow. Take the truth in that scripture out for a spin! It's mind-boggling to think that He will PERFECT that which concerns ME. But this week, I'm come face to face with the truth of it.
But don't let it stop here. This is my story, but He has a story for you as well....
A life where I primly fold my hands on my lap, affirmatively shake my head as I try to thoughtfully process the information you deem as Truth? A mere existence where I line up with the other sheep, give you my wool, and bleat and baa on command?
Does that about sum it up? Just checking because I want to be clear here. After all, it is my life we're talking about.
Is there anything duller than that?
A life where everyone likes you because you are careful not to offend with any "edgy" opinion, overly aggressive arguments, or outlandish claims that God is actually alive and interacting with you.
Is there anything less world-changing than that?
An isolated kind of life where you don't challenge others and don't want others to challenge you. After all, we like our comfort. And confrontation...well, it just isn't comfortable.
Is there anything more dangerous than that?
Just from casual observation it would appear that we've become a society determined to believe whatever the 6 o'clock news or mainstream commercials deem true. with little or no questioning or research on our part.
We live as though the world is being run by the inability to be anything less than honest and good and upright. But the sad truth *HELLO* is that there are powerful people who want nothing more than to use and manipulate and deceive us...all for their own gain.
One small case in point. I present to you GM's commercial:
Uh-huh. Kind of ironic how they *ahem* failed to mention that GM paid off the bailout money with yet another bailout loan. More of our tax dollars at work. Apparently us law-abiding, tax-paying citizens have proven ourselves gullible enough that corporations don't bat an eyelash when feeding us...*cough cough*...crap.
After all, if it's in writing, surely it's true.
"But, Charlotte," said Wilbur, "I'm not terrific."
That doesn't make a particle of difference," replied Charlotte. "Not a particle. People believe almost anything they see in print."
-taken from E.B. White's Charlotte's Web
As of recently, I've felt this need to WAKE UP and start paying attention. Due in large part to my husband, who is one of the few people I know who can take a wide array of information (from all sides) and find the truth in it.
God has opened his eyes over the past few months (to government, to the Republican party, to the Democratic party, to news media, etc) in ways that I think surprise even him. But that's not my story to tell, so I'll leave it at that... ;)
I normally steer clear of writing about politics or government...partly because I'm not as learned as I'd like. but I just can't keep silent anymore. Because the things that are happening are mind-boggling.
And if we don't start to take notice and start to speak up, I fear one day we'll wake up to a world that is no longer accepting of the freedoms we take for granted.
Did you know, for instance, that right now there are people fighting to lead us in a direction that will give certain "rights" to our children? which, though not overtly stated, means that the authority of the parent would be usurped by the authority of the government.
All in the hopes of providing children with "basic human rights. ... And the convention protects children's rights by setting some standards here so that the most vulnerable people of society will be protected" (quote link here)
So you want to take a peak at what that actually breaks down into? (Taken from www.parentalrights.org:)
Some things you need to know about the structure of the CRC:
As of right now, the U.S. and Somalia are the only countries who haven't adopted this treaty. But there are legislators who are fighting for the U.S. to become a part of it, saying it's shameful that we are holding out. (again, link here)
"I'm sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as wise as snakes but as innocent as doves. Matthew 10:16
It's like we've so adopted the "innocent" part that we no longer have the nerve to embrace the WISDOM.
And I have to ask myself WHY is it that we, as Christians, seem so content to remain quiet? to go down without a fight?
Have we so lost our ability to step outside of the status quo to speak Truth? Become a people more tuned into comfort and convenience that we've become incapable of recognizing the direction we're heading? Gotten so used to being spoon-fed important, life-changing information by people we believe to have our best interests at heart that it makes no sense to take back the 'spoon'?
Really?
Honestly, I don't know where to even take my thoughts from here. But all I can say is God give me wisdom because I so don't want to live status quo. where I hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil. Because *duh* there IS evil and it needs to be called out for what it is.
Open my eyes, Lord. So that I may possess YOUR dynamic of innocence and wisdom in a world that's determined to redefine what possessing those traits actually mean.
A comfy-cozy place where children are clueless to the world of lust and sin around them.
A place where I have all the time in the world to have "the talk".
A world believing that surely because they're so young, surely because they're homeschooled, I don't have to worry about teaching on se.x, yet.
Well, today I'm pretty sure that my imaginary little world was shattered...
by my 5 year old.
And all I can say is Thank God! as I'd hate to be Clueless-Mother when it comes to the purity and innocence of my daughters...totally taken by surprise after someone else has crept in and (mis-)informed my sweet, sweet daughters of se.x.
In the world's skewed, twisted version, no less.
After all, it's the INITIAL message that is the most powerful. The introduction of a topic that builds the foundation of understanding and leaves a lasting impression, even when contradictory messages are presented.
So I want to be the one to introduce my daughters to the world of se.x...and all that comes with it. So that MY telling can be the lasting foundation of their understanding.
Recently I read "The Story of Me" to Charis (7).
It's book 1 in the "God's Design for Sex" series. And while it says it's for ages 3 to 5, I found it to be a great way to broach the topic (in a "formal" way) to Charis (7).
It introduces words like vag.ina and pen.is. It talks about how those are private areas, except "Someday when you marry, you won't have to be private with your wife."
The book is written in a conversational question/answer type format between a little boy and his parents.
"Was I in Mommy's tummy right away when you got married?"
"No, God waited a couple of years. Then He took a little tiny piece of Daddy's body and a tiny piece of Mommy's body and made you! That's why you look a little like me and a little like Mommy."
The presentation is just sweet and provides a general skimming of the whole topic. But it's enough, you know?
Enough to give the child an understanding of the basics
Enough to open up the communication lines and let them know that, as parents, you aren't afraid to talk to them about "weird" stuff.
Enough to present an opportunity should our children have questions they'd like to ask.
And mine did.
At the part where the book mentions how God made a man and a woman and said it was "very good," the topic of how God created marriage between a man and a woman came up.
And not by me!!
I didn't bring it up. I didn't figure it was something that needed to be addressed. But Selah (5) saw a chance to voice something that's obviously been festering in that innocent little mind of hers.
Selah: "Yeah. It's (Marriage) not for two woman, like the woman I saw."
This is where I get a little fuzzy on the details, as I was trying to nix the shock factor in my voice, stay calm, and try to understand/answer the heart of her statement/question.
Me: "What do you mean?"
Selah: "I saw two woman together. It wasn't like they were mother and daughter. Or mother and grandmother...or aunt...or anything like that. They were together. And that's not right. ...Right?"
Me: "Where did you see them?"
I ask as casually as I can, just trying to understand the full spectrum of what she's thinking, of what she may have seen. all while thinking, Dear Jesus this is so not happening.
She clams up a bit, looks a little embarrassed, and says, "Never mind."
It's amazing to me the number of thoughts that can go through your mind in a split second. I remember thinking that I have to keep her from clamming up, that I've somehow got to re-engage her.
Me: "No. I'm really glad you're telling me this. I like hearing what you think. And I like that you're telling me what you think."
I stress, in every subtle way possible, that I appreciate her thoughts. that there's nothing wrong with what she's sharing. that I like talking to her. in hopes of averting her tight-lipped silence.
Assured that I was sincerely interested in her thoughts (thank you, Lord!), she told me that she'd seen two women "together" at Wal.mart.
Ah yes. Who am I kidding? Wal.mart does sell everything, now doesn't it? Even a quick education in sex.
(Don't even get me started about the "clothes" people wear shopping these days. It's enough to evoke my "Evil Eye". Oh how it infuriates me! Seriously. Do I really need to see that, oh-woman-with-no-modesty?? *snarl*)
::Excuse me a moment while I practice deep breathing exercises in attempt to bring my annoyance under control::
Okay. all better....
Honestly, I feel entirely blessed that I had the opportunity to clear up whatever confusion Selah had been mulling over!! I'm sooo very thankful that she spoke up and shared her thoughts with me!! I'm so very very thankful that I now know my children aren't as "sheltered" as I had once thought. (though how I wish they were!) *sigh*
Now I know that some churches support homo.sexuality. I know some Christians believe that it's alright. But let me be clear, I am not one of those people. I have friends who live that life, as well as relatives. But I will not applaud, excuse or explain it away.
The Bible says it's wrong. and so I will teach my children that it. is. wrong. Period.
I just didn't realize that today would be that day. But trust me, I will not make that mistake again, for my brain is already coming up with ideas about how to best approach The Talk.
And I'm thinking it will be soon.
...I remember asking my mom a question regarding se.x as a little girl (most likely 1st or 2nd grade). I remember that she laughed at me/my question. To her defense, she probably didn't know what to say.
But what I took away from that interaction... that I knew better than to EVER ask her anything regarding sex again.
And believe me, I didn't.
I'm determined not to make that same mistake with my own daughters. I'm determined to be the one to approach my children about it before they strike up the nerve to ask, before they are approached by other children who think they know what they're talking about.
I'm determined to create an atmosphere of trust. a safe place where questions or thoughts aren't embarrassing or shameful.
I'm praying that our talks now can set the stage for those teen years that are fast approaching. I praying that then, as well as now, my daughters will be comfortable enough to share with me what they think, what others are saying, and what people might be asking them to try.
God help me.
But I wanted to share this with you, parent to parent. In case you, like me, were under the disillusioned impression that our children are living unaware.
Because, though I don't consider myself stupid or clueless, I know I NEVERRRR would have thought that my homeschooled kindergartner already had homosex.uality on her radar. *exhaling slowing*
And I never would have thought that I had to include a 5 year old in my planning the discussion of se.x *shaking my head*
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2
God gives us wisdom as we teach our children how to effectively live that out in a world determined to abolish innocence, rebel against integrity, and defile anything close to resembling purity.
And please, Lord...could You give those people who frequent the doors of Wal.mart a clue about how to dress? I mean, I'm assuming they're just waxing all sentimental about the Garden of Eden and stuff.
Amidst all that the Lord has been revealing during the past year, He's showed me the other day that He's only given me two directives.
You are my friends if you do what I command. John 15:14
Meaning out of all that He's been saying, He's only told me to DO two things. The rest is just bonus knowledge for the time being: understanding, insight, and revelation.
And really, I'm so thankful that He pointed that out because I was unsure what to do with the magnitude/frequency of some of what He's been laying on our hearts. Like, was it begging for an immediate sumpin-sumpin on my part? Was I supposed to be figuring out an "appropriate responsive action"?
But thankfully, He doesn't always give revelation in order to evoke immediate action. Sometimes he just wants to share his heart, friend to friend.
"...the upright are in His confidence." Proverbs 3:32
"The secret (some translations say friendship) of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will show them his covenant." another translation of the same verse...
"The LORD advises those who fear him. He reveals to them the intent of his promise." Psalm 25:14
His reminder to focus on what I know that I am to do made it that much easier to draw my attention back to the two things that He's asked of me this last year:
And so that's what I've been trying to focus on. And man, if it hasn't kept me busy...and RADICALLY changed my perspective on Stuff.
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After the Lord told me to reallllly deep clean my house, ridding it of all excess and clutter, I truly was stumped. I mean, it's not like I harbor junk. If anything, I always thought I was a bit obsessive when it came to purging our home of things. (Just ask my family! My girls routinely ask me, "Are we going to have to yardsale that?" Me thinks they fear for their stuff at times. heh heh)
But here He was telling me to, AGAIN, get rid of stuff? Was there actually anything left TO get rid of? I kind of doubted it.
But one day, as I was walking up to the attic...to go through bins that I'd already gone through dozens of times before...He spoke. And though I don't remember the exact wording of it, here's the gist:
You have to get over this mentality of harboring stuff... the thoughts of "one day I'll use it" that seemingly justify your amassing of junk when there are others that can use it today. When you harbor things, it stops my full blessings from being able to be poured out on you.
That stopped me in my tracks, let me tell you! But it makes sense, you know? Kind of like a "make room so I can fill you with MY good things" type of thought.
And man, if that didn't completely give me a change of heart!! It was like my eyes were opened to a new way of looking at all my excess of unused things.
Suddenly clothes that I had been holding onto, yet never wore for whatever reason...we're boxed up to give to others.
Toys and books that were never used, were sent out to other children.
Games that just sit on the shelf taking up space were added to the pile of giveaways.
Furniture that we could do without...
It's been a full year now and I'm guessing well over 35 large boxes of stuff has been given away. Not to mention the things that ended up at The Goodwill because it wasn't nice enough to give to someone.
Where this stuff came from, I don't know??! But I can't tell you the FREEDOM that has come with its exodus from my house. And I'm STILL finding stuff to purge...?!
Honestly, there are times when I don't get the things the Lord tells me to do. It makes little to no sense to me in that moment. But I suppose that's part of faith...trusting that, in time, He'll make it make sense. (at least that's the hope, huh? *grin*)
And, as I sit here, almost a year later, I can't tell you how many times I've been overwhelmed with thankfulness that I yielded my right to understand and obeyed anyway.
Because now...we're actually planning to move. A "random" decision that came Com-plete-ly out of the blue. (more on that later).
I happen to believe that the state of our home reflects the state of our hearts. And I know that the Lord is prepping Jet and I to be lighter. less attached to Stuff. and more free to receive the things I believe He's positioning us to obtain.
Sometimes I wonder if we make Jesus into a Heavenly Father who is sitting on his Throne, tight-lipped, ready to discipline. watching for any and all opportunity to "teach me a lesson".
Sometimes I wonder if we make Him into a convenient excuse for why things happen. "God must have a plan."
And sometimes it just appears that we think Him incapable of an Intervention. indifferent to our circumstances. and overall just sick and tired of our inability to make a decision, create a way, and present a suitable sacrifice.
But the truth is that HE made a way. He does care. and He knows we are but dust... wholly dependent on Him to even enable us to love Him in the first place.
And Thank the Good Lord that He doesn't stray from Who He Is. even when we misunderstand, misinterpret, and misjudge His character.
He Is. and He always will be.
And I'm so very very thankful.
On this Easter morning, I pray you are tangibly touched by Who he REALLY is. and Who He desperately wants to be in your life.
In my parent's side yard are two trees. Trees, that for years and years and years, had a clothes line strung up between them.
For as long as I remember, I would have to physically duck down in order to pass between the trees so that I could go sit on a swing.
A couple years back, my parents took that clothes line down.
Around that time, Jet and I moved back from Texas. And as we waited for the contract on our house to close, we lived with my parents for a couple of months. So on a daily basis, at least once a day, I passed between those two trees to join my girls on their beloved swing.
Just like I had done all of my life.
The first time I walked between the trees (after the line was removed), I ducked. In fact, I hadn't realized that the line was gone yet. I was so used to it's presence, that I just expected it to be there and reacted accordingly.
The second time I walked through, I ducked. Again. The fact that the clothesline was actually gone (and I was aware of this) didn't matter. Because my brain kept insisting:
You can't always see a clothes line until you're almost on top of it.
It will hurt. Therefore avoid it at all costs.
Day after day, I would pass through those trees. Day after day, my body would draw back as I walked through. Time after time after time...
In all honestly, the whole scenerio was baffling to me.
The fact that I was apparently unable to break this odd habit was crazy. The fact that my body was pulling rank over my rationalizing skills just seemed so silly. Especially since I knew it was gone, you know?!
Especially since I had the reassurance that it was not going back up. Ever.
YET my body had been conditioned to duck, regardless of whether the present-day need was urgent or non-existent. My mind had been trained to anticipate the pain and avoid it.
Habit was over-riding logic. Expectation of being clothes-lined was effecting my daily walk (to the swing).
This "habit", formed out of necessity to avoid pain, had apparently become as involuntary as breathing.
So I, being determined to not let this "invisible line" rule me, started to consciously change my thinking.
It may sound silly, but I'd walk up next to the trees. Stop. And remind myself that the clothes line was not there anymore. That there was no need to duck. That I could just walk straight through. Without incident or pain.
And then, I would proceed to walk through to the swing on the other side.
It took me many many times of this kind of resetting of my mind before I could walk through without physically hesitating or flinching. It took practice. It took a Ginormous amount of mental dedication to walk the path over and over again. *hard to believe*
My body...and my brain...expected an obstacle as I walked that path. Regardless of what reality said I should expect. So I had to intentionally retrain them both.
Crazy isn't it? Even now, as I write this, I think, "Seriously, was it THAT hard?!" But I assure you, it was. Yet during this entire process, I heard the still small voice of the ever-creative Father say, "Isn't this how trust is?"
Huh. Yeah, I guess it is.
If there's any area in my life where I have been hurt again and again, it's easy to just expect it, you know? Regardless of whether "reality" says I have reason or not.
Because when people have let me down again and again...if I have been betrayed, back-stabbed, or emotionally beaten down...it's near impossible to not just expect it and react accordingly. Regardless of how I want to react, you know?
It's a tricky thing, our brain. When you think a thought enough times, it literally creates a groove/pathway within the framework of the brain. Essentially, it becomes easier and easier to think the same thought. Or in music, to play the same song without effort. Or I'd wager a guess... in relationships, to expect the same outcome.
SO on the same token, does that mean that it becomes harder and harder to think something that travels apart from that groove? *shrug* Just a guess.
The question that I have to ask myself is this: what grooves have been niched out in the framework of my brain? Spiritually, emotionally, relationally, etc.
Are there invisible "clotheslines" in my life where I continue to duck? Expecting to get pelted,when it's not really reality? Am I walking through life, avoiding going between the proverbial trees because I think a boobie-trap of sorts has been set?
Am I withholding my heart...my trust...from a particular relationship because I have trained it to hide behind walls for protection sake?
My guess. Yeah. There are many invisible clotheslines. Especially where relationships are concerned. I expect certain people to act a certain way towards me.
So okay, Lord. You have my attention. I get it. You used that stinkin' clothesline to challenge me. To show me that I have some trust issues. ....I'm listening. What do I need to do? Show me how and what to change.
Renew my mind so that I may interact with those people (You know the ones) in a way that doesn't stem from fear, haughtiness, judgement, or hate.
I really do want to be able to walk to "the other side" without expecting to be *whacked*.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2
Excuse me while I laugh because I'm fairly certain "quiet" just isn't a part of my life right now.
In fact, there's nothing particularly quiet about my life these days. Shoot, even my nights aren't quiet. Yet somehow I'm expected to have a "legitimate quiet time"?
Uh...?
One day I'll be able to go off by myself, find a field or a stretch of beach that's all my own while I bear my heart before God.
But today is not that day, you know?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Lord. I have a daily relationship with Him. We communicate...I talk. He listens. He talks. I listen. But getting away by myself, physically positioning myself in prayer...
Well, it's just not happening right now.
But I'm pretty okay with that. Only because I KNOW my Heavenly Father is okay with it as well. Because I believe He understands, MORE THAN ANYONE, what my days look like.
BUT, that said...
Even though I can't physically position myself, I'm learning how to inwardly position my heart.
And man, if it hasn't been revealing in my lack of "steadfastness". and of my (in)ability to "Pray without ceasing..."
Okay, so there are daily chores that have to be accomplished, right? You know, in order to not run out of underwear. or dishes. or carpet space so as to be able to walk through a room.
In a house of 7 people, there's always something that needs to be done so we are able to accomplish the most basic things in life. There just seems to be no way around it.
I mean, sure I could forgo fixing lunch and washing towels, but do I really want to contend with ravenous, hygiene-deficient children? I think not. ;)
So what the Lord has been challenging me with? To do the things that Motherhood requires, butand to simultaneously set my heart and mind and focus on him in the midst of it.
As I'm washing clothes or vacuuming up yet another box of cereal that Alana dumped on the floor, I'm trying to SET my heart on him and INTENTIONALLY place my thoughts on praying.
Sounds easier than it really is. Seriously.
Because I'll be mid-sentence in prayer and suddenly my thoughts run off in a THOUSAND directions.
And I don't even realize what happened until 5 minutes later when it suddenly occurs to me that I'm thinking about wild monkeys in India when, just moments before, I WAS praying about the health of my children.
Thank the good Lord, he has an a-maz-ing sense of humor.
But, good news is, I'm getting better. I think the first time I tried to "pray without ceasing" amidst the daily ins and outs of life, I lasted all of 12.7 seconds before my thoughts strayed.
Now, I may very well be up to 24.5. *laughing*
But, being that I'm a Professional Mom and all, I'm all about applauding "baby steps". :D
Here's to reworking the way I define "Quiet Times" during this season in life when "inside voices" is as quiet as it gets.
The other morning during our worship time, Charis said, "Mommy...last night I was thinking about me being in Africa. I went to the leader of Africa and asked if the people (christian) could worship their God there....and he said Yes!"
Me: Did you dream that or were you just thinking about it?
"I was thinking about it; I think God gave me that thought." She pauses before looking up at me, with a huge smile of satisfaction on her face, and said, "It's pretty hard to stand up to him (African leader), huh?"
I believe that God speaks to our children. and I'm certain that He plants visions of purpose in their hearts long before they are old enough to carry them out.
This morning as my girls and I worshiped together, I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed with the preciousness of the moment.
There I was, sitting my four of my daughters, listening to them worship and worshiping with them. It was beautiful and weighty all at the same time.
Now as a mom, I have my moments...moments that, at the end of the day, I look back on and mourn. Do you have those...or is this just me?
I regret saying something. I wish I hadn't given so-and-so that disappointed look when they had an honest accident. I wish I had laughed more and criticized less.
The list of my failings as mom can, in my very realistic opinion, go on and on. to the point that I sometimes wonder if homeschooling them is the best option simply because I'm their primary, adult influence... 24-7. *insert panic*
Because quite honestly, there are times where I feel anything but adequate.
But moments like these...they are ones that I want to remember. to hold in my heart. and to highlight for my girls. Because they'll be... *poof*... gone before I know it.
So out came my camera, as I tried to be as discrete as possible while taking pictures. You know, being that worship + cameras make it hard to truly worship.
One of the reasons I reallllly love homeschooling my daughters is that I get ample time to teach them about real life.
The kind of life that has lasting meaning. a powerful, positive impact. and a true, deep understanding about who they have been called to be.
Real life => Learning how to honestly walk with Jesus on a daily basis.
Because let's face it...our children NEED to know how to handle the power of God with confidence and humility. especially in the world today where new counterfeits are being offered at every corner:
fascination with vampires.
wicc*an.
drugs.
casual s*ex.
All things the world is feverishly pushing as "powerful"
As Christians, I believe we need to be intentional about teaching our children to worship. Because worship, according to the Word, is the avenue that is used to enter into His throne room.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. Psalms 100:4
not through prayer. not through being good. but through true worship of the Father do we gain intimate access to him.
In our house, worship is really important. It's always been a key element to both Jet's and my relationships with the Lord. If you're ever at my church and you see some lady flanked by many daughters...chances are, if that lady is grooving, that it's me. *laughing*
I simply can't stand still when music is on. especially if it's worship. :)
That said, our girls have inherited our love of music, the Lord, worship, and dance. Even Alana, from the time she was around 10 months, would go around the house singing "Ho-ee! Ho-ee!" over and over. (translation "holy")
Even Lani...she was dancing and raising her hands and singing. but this is all I could get, being that she was on the move.
She's her momma's daughter! ;)
It's 45 minutes of solid worship (12 songs)...with teachings and testimonies scattered in between songs should you choose to have them added (on the main menu).
I love watching young people lead young people into the Throne Room. I think there's such power when the older ones of a generation take the time to train the younger ones.
Not to mention my girls realllllly love that there are passionate believers that are THEIR AGE! Young children wholeheartedly worshipping in all different ways: dance, raising of hands, shouting, instruments, rap...
Selah was like, "Look at ALL those kids!" when she first saw it. (It's an amphitheatre of over 3,000 kids worshipping). And they are begging to go to one of their kid's conferences!
Each song presents a new concept (everything is new when you're young, right?) So it's an opportunity to go more in-depth with them. talking to them about the words that they're singing, so they actually have meaning when they're singing them and not just doing it in rote.
Today we discussed what it means to be "supernatural"...
Having a DVD like this presents an open door that I wouldn't have had otherwise, you know? I mean, sure I can sit them down and say, "Okay today we're going to talk about the word supernatural." and then proceed to talk to their brain.
But when they've been worshipping (dancing, singing, smiling, turning their thoughts to God) with songs that include that word, then the new-found meaning speaks to every angle of their understanding.
It's like they can use their 5 senses to get up close and personal with the understanding of it.
I'm excited for when we go into detail about what the song about the armor of God! I have visions of getting out their play armor and really making it into something 3 dimensional. ;)
"On The March" (the one that talks about the armor of God)...
While we were worshipping, I felt certain things rise up in me...certain visions, different aspects of ministry I believe I'll be involved in, etc...Worship has always been a time when the Lord will speak to me, planting things in my heart.
So I told my girls that. explaining to them what the Lord was doing, how he tends to fill me with hope and expectation for the future, giving me a vision of what He has called me to.
And Charis looked at me, on the point of tears (because remember, she's the one that wants to "do it right") and said, "But he doesn't do that with me."
Perfect opportunity to explain to her that her relationship with God won't look like mine. And that, in fact, her relationship with God will even change as she gets older....
After all was said and done, she smiled again and turned back to worship, completely content that she had a freedom to have a different experience. :)
..... Once when the girls were lifting their hands, Selah instructed Raegan to put her hands up "so God can fill them with oil."
I know most wouldn't have a clue what they're talking about...and may even question what in the world we're teaching them...but to me, this made me smile.
After all, we do sing "Fill me, Lord." my girls just truly expect Him to. With oil. ;D
.... Selah is always on the move. Dancing as a form of worship is perfect for her. When she was about 2 months old, both my pastor and I saw a vision of her dancing all different varieties of dance. Well...that's definitely proving true of who she is. She loves ALLLL things Dance.
This video is a perfect glimpse into how not sedated our worship is. :) I wish I could get some of the other videos to upload, but they just won't? (I'll probably go back and try and add some later...when Techy Hub is home)
Now to give you a complete view of our crazy worship...I have to say, it IS crazy. I mean, after all our oldest is only 7. So while it is a time where they are really trying to focus in on Jesus, there are also...
Moments of Fighting over a toy...
Raegan was really upset that Alana was playing with something that she apparently "wanted". Hence the throwing herself in the floor.
Ah, the powerful atmosphere of worship. :)
Periods of Distraction...
After the aforementioned fight, Raegan decided she had better protect her territory and focus her attentions on the toys.
Total indifference instead preferring to Sit back and watch...
All of which I have to say is totally fine. If you want to try incorporating something like this in your child's day, expect it not to go "perfectly".
Because when all is said and done, that's life. And we need to learn to worship him in the midst of it. not apart from it, right?
How to start this one...? How to capture what the Lord is doing in my heart without making him sound like a vulture, taking me down and ripping me to shreds?
thinking...thinking...
Have you ever come to a place in your life where suddenly it's like the heat gets turned up? like you've just entered your very own pressure cooker. One that was designed to soften every hardened place of your life, elbow out every hidden ounce of Self? A place so constricted around your heart that you fear you may suffocate?
Well lucky me, that happens to be my new locale. though I pray it's not a permanent residence.
Ever since Raquel was born, it's as if there was a shift in the atmosphere, an upping of the anty, so to speak. I can't explain it, even to myself, outside of saying that it's like suddenly the game changed.
It's like life went from a game of alley stickball...to the World Series Match.
Everything became that much more significant in the spirit realm around me. And man, if I haven't been feeling it. Suddenly, what was good enough before (the areas where I was content to just slide by) became unacceptable for this new place.
The person I was fine with being before can now no longer exist. You know, IF I am to step into the new place God is calling me to.
Transition from Old to New is never easy, is it? I think we can all relate to the days of our youth where we were "too old to do this...but too young to get to do that". I hated it.
because it felt like I didn't "fit" anywhere.
Now, I know that being a Professional Misfit is not the purpose behind this whole heavenly "shake up". (Thank You God!) I think it's fairly reasonable to assume that the God-inspired Intent is to allow me to become so uncomfortable in my Old Nature...so intrigued by what's in store... that I'll press through to this transition to the other side.
But irregardless of the "point", life in the spirit has been BUSY these past few months.
And because of that, I haven't known how to write down all that's going on. because I'm hearing from the Lord on a daily (if not hourly) basis. I'm dreaming non-stop. the kind of dreams that you know mean something.
I'm watching, in awe, as everything starts to add up. Yet... nothing is showing up.
Meaning, I can feel it in my spirit...We are so close. On the edge of Something. Yet. Here in the seen realm, nothing is happening.
But that's what standing in faith is, right?
"1Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11.1
If God can equip these ANIMALS with a creative way to provide for themselves and their families... then I'm trying to imagine what innovative ideas he has waiting for me!
I bet if these little guys had presented this "New way to fish" theory to some Mammals Unite Ocean Forum, they would have gotten shut down. *laughing*
Drawing circles in the sand? Utter Nonsense.
But these dolphins went with this God-given inspiration ...and now just sit there while scads of fish simply jump into their open mouths. A-maz-ing.
I don't know about you, but I'm thinking Bring it, Lord! I'm all for Him given me some crazy, new way to bring about that kind of provisional results! ;)
MATTHEW 6 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? .....
31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
My sweet family. Charis (7), Selah (5.5), Raquel (2 wks), Alana (15 months), Raegan (33 months)
And *hallelujah* the face swelling has gone away. Well, you know...except for the fact that I still have 20 pounds to lose. *wry grin*
God is on the move.
When I sat down to see if I could capture my thoughts, I had no intent to write that. But as I went to dump my brain onto "paper", it was whispered to my heart. Making me think of the movie The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.
In the movie, when they say "Aslan is on the move", it means that something is getting ready to change. something big is about to happen. there's about to be a shift in the climate/atmosphere (both figuratively and literally).
It's a head's up to position yourself for a new thing.
And that's just what Jet and I have been doing: adjusting our mindsets to a place of expectation, changing some external circumstances, and taking the step of faith in the direction He's leading.
While we have a pretty good idea of what some of that may look like, there's obviously a large hole in what we know. I mean really, what's a good "walk with the Lord" if there's not surprises along the way? *laughing*
The really exciting thing? The last 8 years, the Lord has been speaking very specific things to us (things that did NOT make sense at the time due to our living in the exact opposite of what He was saying!) And all of those things point to this new season that we all feel we're on the brink of entering.
And when I say "all", I do mean even the little girls. Charis has been having dreams...with spiritual meanings that she is explaining to us. "I think God gave me this dream because he's saying..."
We've never really talked about prophetic dreams to them. I think my mouth about fell open when she casually told me her dream (and it's interpretation) at the breakfast table.
So yeah. God is on the move in our family. And I don't think I've been this excited in a long time. :)
I'm thinking these sisters (2 and 5 years old) are starting to look more and more alike. Raegan, I think, used to resemble Charis more...but one or both of them are switching their looks.
Though Raegan continues to be a "little Christin" in both spunk and look. ;)
Nope. Nothing so far on the Labor Homefront.
It's just a waiting game at this point. A slow tick-tocking of the clock this weekend as I've contracted. and felt pressure to the point I can't walk. and....
seen the ease with which my "peace" can be so easily tossed when in the face of the unknown.
So yeah. The weekend didn't birth a baby, but rather a total revealing in just how impatient I can be. Yippee.
And for now, I'm processing it all. Trying to grab a hold of what the Lord told me one morning, even though I don't understand how it fits in with ANYTHING.
Don't you just love it when He doesn't make sense? And when we have to com-puh-letely change our mindset, our interpretative skills, and our inner grasp on spiritual reality in order to even begin to remotely understand? *Note the sarcasm*
Yup. Therein lies the reason why this weekend also brought a lot of exhausted, frustrated tears. ;)
Today, I have more peace. No more understanding, mind you! But more peace. I'm praying that understanding comes throughout the day as I get a chance to steal away with Him.
between baking cookies. and laundry. and homeschooling. and cleaning. and little ones running around wanting my full attention as they spin around the family room floor.
I lead a blessed life. One filled to the brim with blessings from Him. And today, I hope to press into one blessing that I know He wants me to take a hold of
Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Proverbs 4:7
and is more than wiling to supply.
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
