During my last pregnancy, I felt on top of the whole Delivery Prep. as I prayed for a deep-rooted faith in believing Him, yet again, for another pain-free delivery (without meds).
I openly shared my faith-walk (via Blogdom) as I documented:
- the ups and downs of my emotions
- my weekly wavering to find footing in a place that felt completely shaky
- the things that I had heard God communicate to me as I sat at his feet in prayer
But this time around, I haven't felt on top of any aspect of it.
This pregnancy has raced past. My days have been filled to the brim with Life in general. While my evenings have been maxed-out, trying to balance quality time with Jet with writing a book that Fo*cus on the F*amily thought was coming out a few months ago.
Yeah, that didn't happen. ;)
During the last pregnancy I was able to devote hours in worship and prayer, fighting for His promises made manifest in my labor/delivery... This time...well, it just hasn't happened.
And honestly? It's been a little bit unnerving to me. I've fought with fears, thinking that this time would be different (ie. painful) because this time I wasn't going into it emotionally/spiritually built up and guarded by prayer.
Basically I've struggled with the thought of: I haven't done MY part, so why should I expect God to do His?
Then a few weeks ago, the Lord started up a conversation with me out of the blue. one that I didn't quite understand until He got to the end of it. The gist of it being:
"What if I healed your eyes? made it so you could see perfectly. Would you be afraid that I'd take it away? Would you wake up every day and feel like you had to fight for that healing... Again? No, you wouldn't. You'd just receive it, adjust your life to fit the fact that your eyes were now miraculously healed, and move on.
Why are you so afraid that I'm going to take this away from you now?
I just sat there. on my bed. in complete awe. It made so much sense. You know, coming from The All-wise One and all. ;)
Yet. even after that little heavenly message from On High, I continued to struggle with fear that I wasn't doing my part. that I wasn't being the "good girl' who was fighting the good fight, running hard after Him, and beating down the forces of Hell with one hand tied behind my back.
Apparently I'm not a quick learner. Who knew. (notice the lack of question mark) ;)
And then just now...as I heard Alana on the monitor struggling to nap because of teething...I figured that getting on the treadmill would be a waste of time because any minute I'd have to go upstairs and get her. So I picked up my Bible, out of sheer "Eh. nothing else to do."
Yes. Spiritual Giant over here. No...really. *rolling my eyes*
But you know, even then...even amidst my lazy attitude towards spending quality time in the Word... HE is still faithful. Because I know the verse that I randomly opened to was *meant* for me to read. Today.
Isaiah 53:10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise him; he has put him to grief."
Let me just say that first that if you haven't read the past blogs about this whole painfree birth adventure God put me on, you need to or you just won't get what I'm talking about. This one explains the basics of it.
Anyway.
Out of all the scriptures I could have read, this was the one that "randomly" met my eyes. It amazes me. The verse that speaks of how God put Jesus to GRIEF! The very word (grief) that was first used as the curse over Eve and her childbearing. The very curse that Jesus annulled. canceled. and obliterated on the cross.
The very Grief-Obliteration that gives me access to even begin to believe Him for yet another miraculous delivery.
And then the Lord spoke to me again.
Just a simple sentence, but very meaningful to me and where my thoughts have been warring, as I've been trying to be faithful to everything else the Lord has put on my already-overflowing plate. all while struggling with the feeling that I'm completely neglecting praying for the delivery.
Him: "What if I said, it's not about you and what you do, But about ME and what I did?"
Huh. Yeah. YOU are the reason I can trust you. YOU. Not me.
I know that there are times where, in order to walk in the promises of God, we have to fight for it, stand our ground in unrelenting warfare. I feel like I did that with Lani's delivery...and learned a lot in the process.
But then there are times that you just have to rest in the fact that God is who He says he is. and just embrace Peace as you hold on to the fact that He does what we cannot do.
I don't mean to say that I'm not praying. Because I am. Prayer is all about hanging out with the Lord. I never want to give up on that. But I do want to put to death the driving fear that if I don't do my part (whatever that means), he won't do his.
Because that's just not Truth. Truth says that He is faithful to the faithless.
"if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot deny himself." 2 Timothy 2:13
And I want to soak myself in that. as I embrace the fact that He will continue to be True to his promises during this next delivery. whether I feel "on top of it" or not.
