If nothing else, Parenting will bring out your flaws.Every insecurity you didn't deal with in your own adolescents revisits you unexpectedly. like an old friend...only not.
And the temptation to live vicariously through your children...and see them as extensions of yourself... is ever-ready, lurking on the corners of your mind. especially when you take them into public.
Because God forbid they act out or screw up. I mean, what would that say about YOU? as The Parent of child-imp? (hmm...is this where the word "chimp" came from? crazy I never saw that before.)
Growing up, I had a friend who's mom was very set on making sure that her daughter was popular. It was obvious. I knew it. Her daughter knew it, and even told me once that her mom was really popular as a teen and only wanted her to experience the same thing.
There was just this air (heir?) about this mom concerning her daughter...I can't explain it, but I'm thinking most of us have known someone like that in our lives.
A parent who's (quietly) determined that their child will have all the advantages money can buy and will be well liked by other children who ALSO have all the advantages. A parent who secretly hopes her daughter will be pursued by many, liked by all, and voted Homecoming Queen her senior year of high school...which happens to be only 10 years away.
Never to early to start practicing that Beauty Queen wave, right?
Now, this girl was gorgeous. Seriously. Long blond hair. Deep blue eyes. Naturally thin. Great smile. You get the picture. PLUS, she was sweet and brilliant to boot. She was the perfect package.
But looking back, I can see that she lacked one thing. Deep Confidence.
You know, the kind that you can literally see on a person 30 feet away. The kind that screams "I truly don't care what you think about me because...well, I'm good. So just move on with your need to categorize and stereotype me, I'm living life here."
We all know way-confident people like that as well :)
Even now (I'm processing as I type), I'm thinking that maybe this old girl friend of mine wasn't truly confident because of her mom. A mom who, whether silently or otherwise, was always insinuating that she could be more... A "more" than is purely defined by others deeming it so.
*big sigh*
As horrible as that above mom sounds, I can so see where I flirt on the outskirts of this mindset. totally falling prey to its alluring lie that my daughters need to be something in the eyes of ...someone else.
Maybe I'm the only mom (outside of that mom I remember from grade/high school) who deals with that temptation of thought?
But I SO don't want to go there. I SO don't want to communicate, whether by "encouraging" words or silent looks of disappointment, that any one of my daughters isn't good enough.
or that they have to live life to impress others...for the sake of earning other's approval.
Yet I know I stand dangerously close to this place. Most likely because I can err in this direction in my own life as well.
*exhaling...thinking...praying*
These past couple of weeks, it feels like the Lord has been carving deep niches in my Mother's heart. revealing blind spots. challenging me to step it up. encouraging me to step back...
My daughters are one of my great passions. I want to be the best mom possible for my girls. Even if that means taking a hard look at my flaws...so that I can be different, better.
I'm not really sure how to end this, other than to say...This is my heart's desire. I have no idea what to do with it, other than to lay it at His feet.
