Because my head is still reeling. I still feel, literally, sick to my stomach. And I feel like I can't move past what just happened, in my very own living room. under my very own nose...
After talking to my librarian yesterday, I found out that we can get basic cable for only $10/month. (I to want to get PBS for a select few shows for my children.)
Well, the cable guy just came by to set it up. And already, 10 minutes into owning it, I'm wondering if we haven't made a colossal mistake.
Why, you ask? *sigh* Because it's already made me nauseated. Numerous time.
Bout with Nausea, Round 1:
As Cable Person is turning the channels, trying to assess the clarity of our FEW stations, my spirit is literally accosted by the commercials that came up. All while my two oldest girls sat in the room, watching as well.
Seriously, there's no other way to describe it. I felt completely violated because those ads were nothing short of pornographic.
Round 2:
Cable Person stops turning the channel, so he can work to find some channels that weren't showing up for some reason. Suddenly a talk show person appears and says, and I quote, "Today we're discussing why men are obsessed with str*ip bars."
Dear God. Are you kidding me?? My heart sinks. Surely he'll turn it. Surely he's intelligent enough to turn it.
Uh, yeah. He isn't.
He dabbles with the buttons for a while. I sit there in shock.
Round 3:
As he goes around to work with the back of the TV, I lean forward and turn the channel. I figure, it's obvious that what she's talking about is com-pleeeeee-tly inappropriate. So I'll just make this silent little gesture (albeit it obvious, in my thinking) to avoid making him or me uncomfortable by addressing the heinous topic that Day Time TV is chatting about with ease. On site....in the str*ip bar
Besides, the new channel is sporting the Home Shopping Network. How much more benign can it get? The blood drains from my face and I feel my heart rate return to normal. (I'm not kidding. I was physically reacting to seeing that smut...sitting with my daughters and a strange man present!)
But either he's completely an a...*clearing throat*...twit. Or he had reason to be on that specific channel? Because he turns it BACK....to the lovely little discussion about la*p danc*es and other...*cough* such descriptive things.
My heart sinks. I try to find my tongue. and backbone. and a large mallet with which to
But instead I just sit there, SAYING NOTHING. All while my girls are sitting there, taking in all these new words and partial images (thankfully the menu screen was up, so it blocked most of the screen).
Yet I said NOTHING.
NOTHING, people! This is where I just...*sigh* ...even in hindsight I don't even know what to say. Other than WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Finally, he turned it when the TV discussion started to go really downhill. Maybe he wasn't really paying attention to what was on before and suddenly started to listen to what was being said? (doubtful) Maybe he's socially retarded but had a moment of clarity? I don't know. But thank God, he finallllly turned it.
And still, I just sat there. Silent. Completely shocked that NOTHING had come out of my mouth. NOTHING.
And here I sit...after he's gone... still sick to my stomach. Still unable to grasp what just happened, or rather didn't happen when it comes to my speaking ability. Still annoyed at him for his cluelessness.
But MORE SO at ME for my spinelessness.
These girls are MY children, given to ME to protect. This is MY house. That is MY TV. I'M paying him to work for me. I am essentially The Boss.
Yet. I said NOTHING. and because of this I am deeply grieved.
Am I that bound by wanting to not hurt people's feelings that I'll opt to protect them over my own children? Am I so bound in wanting others to like me that I'll remain quiet while they disrespect me in my own house? Am I so stupid that I am unable to speak when my insides are screaming???
Apparently today I was. and I am sooo grieved by it.
Sometimes I look at my life and feel that maybe I shelter my girls too much:
- I homeschool them. NOT to shelter them, but to provide something different than what they'd get at the public school down the road.
- We don't let them watch much TV.
- We don't let them talk certain ways or express attitudes that some think harmless or "just what kids do"
- We intentionally don't hang out with families where the kids are allowed to show blatant disobedience and disrespect on a daily basis.
And sometimes I think...maybe I need to expose them more? let them see a little bit of what's out there so they can learn to deal with it? Maybe we're too conservative? too protective? too sheltering?
Well, today was a total kick in the butt to that thinking. Because honestly, I don't even want to be a part of "what's out there" if this is what it's like. Even if it's just on the sidelines watching, I just don't want to be involve...on any level...with that crap. Period.
So why would I want my children?
Have I really fallen prey to allowing myself to think that "socializing" them means exposing them to things that taint the mind and bring death to the spirit? Have I really fallen prey to the ideal of political correctness and "tolerance" that I go silent when it comes to how other's choices effect my own?
My prayer? to find my backbone. to not be afraid of speaking the truth...even if it means offending someone in the process. to be bold enough to put on the boxing gloves and knock SIN in the teeth. without apology.
After all, my girls are learning from ME even when we're not doing school. They're watching me to see how and where and when I draw boundaries. along with when I remain silent.
:( God help me because I'm completely baffled. and a bit nauseated. and a whole lot appalled at my obvious level of stupidity.
"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction." 2 Timothy 4:2
My honest hope is that next time something like this happens where I need to speak up...NEED to draw boundaries around my children or myself...and NEED to call someone on their junk...that I won't stand there shocked to silence.
But that I'll be so filled with the Holy Spirit that my tongue cannot remain still. that Truth cannot remain silent.
And yeah. Whether or not we keep Basic Cable is still up in the air. After 8.5 years of not having any, I'm thinking it won't be missed it if we decide to turn it off again.
