I admit it. Sometimes it terrifies me to be parent. I mean, really really scares me to the depth of my being on days.
During those occasional emotional moments, I am completely overwhelmed with ...panic? no. anxiety? I don't think so.
Raw Love. Yeah...that sounds about right.
The kind where you know you can't contain your feelings. You can't hold them in. You can't hold them back. You can't NOT have them to a depth that's completely off the charts.
That's just not an option the moment you hold that baby in your arms.
The scary part? With that kind of love comes this knowledge that every day you are wearing your heart on your sleeve. ...No wait. That picture doesn't do it. It's more like:
Your holding your heart in your hand, while trying to balance on one foot. blindfolded. spinning in circles. praying that you don't fall or bump into something or God forbid, drop the heart.
There's just no way around it. Becoming a parent, your existence becomes about embracing another day where you have absolutely no control in the one arena where your heart is most vulnerable: the love you hold for your family.
You acknowledge that as calmly as you possibly can, yet try to swallow it...because you also know that in order to be a GOOD parent, you still choose to allow those children to take risks.
to be thrown up in the air for a good laugh.
(she's asking to do it again...)
to ride around the block on their bike just so they can feel grown up.
to eat that gummy bear even though you personally know a family that lost an older teenager because he choked on it.
Life. Love. Chances. Risks. Drunk drivers. Disease. Broken arm. Choking.
Around and around those thoughts swirl in my brain. The unknowns ...they lurk and hover when you're a parent. Or is it just me?
...I would die for my children. I would willingly give up my right arm if it meant having to cut it off myself. But that's just not an option that Life gives us, is it?
Becoming a parent has changed me, on levels that I'm yet to even realize. It's deepened me in ways I can't even verbalize. But I know, if you're a parent, you don't need for me to explain it. It just is.
You know when you deliver a baby and they cut the umbilical cord? Well, I'm fairly positive that in the spiritual realm, there's one that becomes attached to your heart, to your very soul. Because my daughters can pull on my heart strings like none other.
Their bad day is my bad day. The unknown of their future...whether they're yet to acknowledge it...is my own unknown. I don't know if this is right or wrong. But it's just the way I feel, as their mother.
Yet.
I know I have to find the balance somehow. Not be overtaken by the potential fear. not be convinced to hole up and refuse to let them live life because I'm afraid something may happen to them.
God help me.
You know that line in the movie Nemo...the one where Marlin says to Dory, "But I promised Nemo I'd never let anything happen to him"?
And then Dory, that crazy blue fish, says something so profound...something so true that it's stuck with me, even before I knew why: "That's a funny thing to promise. If nothing ever happens to him, then nothing will ever happen to him. Not very fun for little Harpo."
Yup. Exactly.
There's an unknown element to parenting. We, as parents, have all experienced it. Personally, I know it can be a scary place...
I just don't want it to be anymore, you know?
- Marlin (from Nemo): "But, but, dude how do you know when they're ready (to go out into the real world)?"
- Crush: "Well, you never really know you know, but when they know you'll know, ya know?"
God, give me the ability to let go...as each stage of their lives requires. To show them how to embrace life, in all its unknown potential. to define those unknowns, not as a place of fear, but rather an Adventure.
