*Uncensored hormonal pregnant lady at the keyboard. No telling what will come out of her mouth*
But...it's all for posterity sake. So if you find yourself unable to deal with the randomness of emotionality, step away from the computer.
I repeat. Step Away From the Computer.
Yeah, this entry is all for memory sake. And though I really don't want to marvel in how I'm feeling at this particular moment, I know later on I'll be glad I documented it.
I'll either get a kick out of it later, be encouraged during my next pregnancy, or encourage another mom-to-be that they aren't so crazy after all. (being that I just went through Davene's pregnancy blog to see if she was feeling as unstable as I currently do). ;)
Either way, at this present time, I can currently be summed up in a word...or three: Moody. On edge. Emotional.
I know my body is gearing up for delivery when I start to feel all of the above. And while that should bring a somewhat jilted excitement, it only gets me more annoyed. Because in all reality, it means nothing in terms of how soon I deliver this baby. this whole "gearing up" phase that I'm going through. and that only makes me more weepy.
So round and round the emotions go. Where (when?) they'll stop no one knows. And let me tell you, it's a hum-dinger of a Joy Ride for those who are forced to live with me, I'm sure.
For instance: Selah was sitting in my lap this evening before bed, wanting to snuggle. I can feel that my emotions are right near the surface. You know, the place where if someone were to casually say "How are ya?" you'd burst into tears? Yep, what a lovely little place of emotional instability.
So...as any hormonal woman nearing the end of her sanity and feeling her body tense in teasing, mock-contractions would do...I cry. No boo-hoo crying. But tears nonetheless.
Poor Selah. I try and tell her it's a happy cry. that I'm crying because I love her so much. But she's neither heard of nor experienced that "happy cry". So I know she thinks I've lost my ability to be rational. Because she starts nervously looking around the room for someone, anyone, to come and be the emotional anchor in the midst of this weird outburst of Mommy's.
But she's my Cuddle Bug so she doesn't abandon me in the middle of my breakdown. but instead tries to comfort me amidst my...uh, happiness.
Then, I come upstairs to just "soak" in the presence of God while listening to worship. And immediately I just start to cry. My emotions feel so raw. The emotional battle/mind game that happens is so tiring. I just want a word from the Lord. A sign that something physically tangible is happening in my heavy, pregnant body. and peace that I can wait it out if I go full-term this time.
And in the middle of all that, the Lord shows me that I'm acting as if I have to walk on egg-shells with him. like if I make a wrong move...or pray something a little too "out there"... my prayers won't be answered. because his anger will be ignited at my brazenness. and then, there goes my miraculous delivery.
Stupid, irrational thoughts like that.
So that God-revelation made me cry all the more. Who wants to be both emotional AND stupid? it's just not pretty.
But at least I can find hope in the fact that my period of ...uh, breakdown...allowed the Lord to clarify that my way of thinking and approaching him wasn't healthy. That He wants me to just approach him as a friend. because he is a person who really wants to know exactly what I want and doesn't find fault in me for my honesty. No matter how daring of a prayer it may be.
Alrighty. that's enough of crazy-lady documentation. For now. I'm off to chat with the Hub.
