...What does that even look like?
I ask myself this because so often it's a line that I casually profess to God in worship: You have my life. I submit to you. I bow down. I lay down my all, ....
I have to ask because that's just what the Lord did this morning. He asked. As I sat worshipping, I distinctly heard the Lord say, "Do you even know what that looks like?"
Um. What's that you said, Lord? Cause I'm sort of reveling in the cool lyrics of this song right now. I wasn't sure I heard you. ...Yeah, okay, so I did hear. but I'm not so sure I want to dig in and process the answer right now. Can we talk later, maybe?
But later came suddenly. For how can you ignore Jesus and still worship? It ain't happening. :) So I sat there. thinking.
Unfortunately one of my girls came downstairs for breakfast at that point, interrupting any and all form of inner quiet. So I find myself, hours later, still in that mode:
Thinking. what does it look like? what would it be like? This giving up of total control to The One.
Would it be messy? Would I find myself suddenly lacking in friends? saying an eternal good-bye to a fun-filled life? Would he take that scary prayer/offering and present me with all sorts of hard tests and trials to show me how truly inept I am?
Would I be miserable? Would I be broken? Would I remain single for the rest of forever? (obviously not something I'm asking at this stage in life) Would he banish me to some unreached tribe who dine on monkey brains and refuse to wear anything but bones through their lips? Would he give me a dozen children and ask me to home school them all?!! Would all my desires suddenly be thrown in the garbage as I try to embrace the desires of the One who sits on the Throne?
Because really, who likes any of those options? Isn't there an "E. None of the Above" answer? I pick that one. ...I think.
Unless what's behind Door Number 12 is...*gulp*...even worse.
Do you know what I'm saying though? The thought that when you completely give away all control to the Only One who Knows True Love...that somehow in the course of that exchange, we're going to end up with the short end of the deal. Be the eternally miserable person, regretting their life sacrifice to the King, on oh-so-many levels.
A friend and I were talking about this in a round about way yesterday. about praying those scary-type prayers...the ones like "Lord give me patience." Or "Lord, take my pride away."
Those types of prayers that fellow Believers actually warn you against praying. "Ohhh...you prayed that? Watch out! Because He'll answer that one in a hurry!" All the while, they're mockingly looking at the sky, like lightning will strike you dead at any time.
Why is that? Why do we have faith that God will answer those prayers in a hurry, but will conveniently forget about the other ones? Why do we think that God, in answering those sincere prayers, will take out his Heavenly Pick Ax and hack away at our most vulnerable parts? Why have I taken on that mindset?!! Because it is NOT the heart of God.
It can't be. For he is a God who invites us to come to him...to exchange our heaviness for his easiness... to exchange our weariness and labor and receive rest...to trust him with our bruised spirit because he won't break it. On and on it goes. Citing promises that reveal the TENDER heart of God.
So I have to ask myself... as I waive back and forth the meaning and impact of fully giving up control...and the subsequent holding on of grudges and bitterness and anxiety and pride and fears... to embrace his humility and power and love. ...What would life be like?
And I am left with only one answer. Freeing.
YET. I can look at my life and see places where I am more than comfortable to remain...well, UNcomfortable. and basically in bondage.
Where I am more than okay with holding onto aggravation or pride. feeling completely justified in my anger. feeling totally at peace keeping my heart in a locked away place of sin: fear of man, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of ...
Say, like when The Hub hurts my feelings or offends me to name just one example.
So to answer your question, Lord. I have no idea what giving up complete control really looks/feels like. But please help me to change my mindset. change my heart attitude. relinquish my death grip on control.
And maybe, as I step out, backing up my worship with my hour-to-hour lifestyle, I'll taste and see that the Lord IS good.
Even when I pray those dangerous type prayers.
