Then there are the other days.
Those days where it takes everything in me to hold on. for that place feels like a well-oiled, rain-covered cliff. it's inevitable that I will slip. lose my grip on that Kingdom mindset.
And this is where I find myself. in this pre-delivery season. every time.
For those that have read of the miraculous deliveries I've had in the past and think that I just sort of skip merrily to the hospital, sneeze, and pop out a baby...you are mistaken.
I fight for it. hard.
and it seems each time I have to fight a little harder. Which, honestly, baffles me because you'd think after three supernatural deliveries, it'd get easier. But mysteriously, it has not.
The months and weeks prior to delivery, there is a tangible battle that wages over the gateway of my mind. And I am left with a constant in-your-face decision regarding faith:
faith in what God has said: He did away with sorrow and sickness. or faith (otherwise known as fear) in what the world has declared: Don't be absurd. Sorrow and sickness are prevalent. Look around you.
But this is why testimonies are so powerful. They do away with doubt. They lay the Truth in front of you. God's power, in tangible form. in a personal way.
Thus, it is there that I find rest. In the reviewing of my own testimony. In the rehearsing of what God has done before and will do again.
So often, I read the Old Testament and think "Why can't those Israelites get a clue? I mean, for real, they encamp with the Manifest Presence of God. they just saw God perform a huge miracle. And now...days later...they forget? Seriously?"
I so would've smited them and said, "Uh-huh. doubt me again." I'm gracious that way.
But then I read the New Testament and see the exact same thing in the Disciples. The very ones who walked with Jesus.
He wowed the twelve when he fed five thousand (Matt 14:13), right? Then...not too long later, he wanted to feed four thousand (Matt15:32). And the disciples' reaction? "Where do we get enough bread to feed so great a crowd?"
Are you kidding me? People, people! Are you seriously so blind? so dumb? so completely inept when it comes to holding onto what God has done before? and will surely do again?!!!
Yet. This is where I find myself time and time again. Sure, he performed amazing miracles during each of my labor and deliveries. But...but...but...
Didn't both the Israelites and the Disciples "just" see Jesus perform the exact same type of miracle a short time before they complained and/or doubted? Had they already forgotten? Or were they, too, feeling the slippery cliff of the mind coming into play? That mental cliff that defies all past experience and mocks you as you stare the reality of the situation in the face and try to hold onto God's truth.
Maybe they weren't so stupid afterall? ...or maybe I just happen to fall in line with their type of stupidity. Great.
But I press on. determined to conquer this human mindset of "Yeah, But..."
And I will read and re-read the Word. Think and rethink of the past miracles. Set my mind on the things of God. the past intervention of God during my labors. I will choose to not hold onto the lies that the enemy is throwing at me rapid-fire.
And I will rest in the fact that even when my grasp on His Truth slips, His hand holds me still. For I am in His Grip.
