Or so it feels.

Do you ever just feel so "done" that you can't even take the time to really listen to your own thoughts?

So you turn on the TV for noise. Or surf the net to busy your brain. Or you eat. Or read a book to try and get caught up in someone else's life. Or call someone up, completely content to ignore the nagging feelings in the back of your head...

There are countless ways to numb our emotions. to quiet silence the troubling thoughts that bounce around the brain. to avoid dealing with the deeper issues that demand attention and might possibly require a certain brokenness that can be messy.

I know because I happen to be a master avoidance these days. or so it feels.

I'm sitting home alone. Jet has the girls, visiting his family down the road. I was just too tired to leave the house again...my pregnant body not really able to continue Go Mode. And since they've been gone, I've excessively eaten, mindlessly channel surfed, and pointlessly internet surfed. All simultaneously. Such the multi-tasker I am.

Just to busy my brain.

And in the midst of it all, I had to stop and ask...Why? Lord, what is going on inside me that drives me to avoid ME? WHAT is going on in my heart that is ultimately pushing me to be something that I don't even like?

Because I'm not an avoider...I'm not afraid of deep thinking...I'm not someone to run from a challenge.

But honestly, right now I'm just emotionally wading through. Not mentally able to keep up. Like I'm afraid to take a hard look at myself. Or so it feels.

*The light goes on*

As I'm writing this blog (remember: writing = processing for me), I'm also realizing that the current chapter (the book) that I'm working on is all about the way women view themselves. they way they feel about themselves on the deepest of levels.

Just to give you a little insider's information: What's been happening as I write this book is that I'm experiencing the very struggles and temptations and heartaches that the chapter deals with. Joy joy, let me tell you.

I didn't realize it until two months ago. I had gone at least a week battling a certain arena...feeling completely exposed and vulnerable to defend myself against an onslaught of mental attack. And then, *bam* it was like my eyes were opened to what was happening. to the reason behind why I was struggling:

With each chapter, God appears to specifically anoint me to write that topic. And with that anointing comes the *cough cough* opportunity to feel deeply the emotions and struggles and spiritual reality of the battle behind the chapter's subject.

It's almost like God takes my hand and walks me straight to the Gates of Hell...so I can see the particular battle, feel it on a very personal, intense level, and then gain access to overcome it.

It's just easy for me to get caught up in the overwhelming feelings of it all, that I forget that He's there beside me, totally intending to give me spiritual insight...not a headache.

If only I'd just take my eyes off of the way I feel.

I'm sure I'm not explaining it as well as I could. But...eh. I'm heavy in the emotional throes of it right now. I suppose that means clarity and the ability to form words will come...soon? ;)

Anyway, that's where I am right now. (Or so I'm figuring it all out as I type *laughing*) ...in the midst of an apparent "Anointing Session", where I get to suddenly feel a whole lot of emotions surrounding my very identity and confidence and personal ability/desire to quiet my heart to take an honest look at both.

A season that I'm trusting will give me access to the anointing I'm praying this chapter will carry. to the authority I'm believing our words will contain. and to the freedom that I'm hoping women will find.

So even though I'm personally feeling Done (Really. I'm SOOO emotionally done on so many realms), I want to press in. *this is me trying to convince myself* ;)

God give me strength is all I can say. Because I'm not sure I'm up to the task. Or so it feels. ;)

Thanksgiving at a quick glance

Why are these girls so excited, you ask?

Because they were hanging out with my husband's side of our family. All 25 people of it...

Yes, that's me...the one with the bloated face and ponytail on the far right. Apparently I wasn't thinking clearly when I put that combo together.

Though some are a little crazy, we still love them and call them our own.

I happen to really love the one that looks like she may need professional help. :)

Can't you just see the joy on Jet's face as he's surrounded by his brothers and dad? Love this picture.



As well as this picture...



Two of the brothers were trying to wax all serious. Jet and Jonas obviously couldn't wipe the smile of their faces. I'm thinking they were having too much fun. :)

Speaking of "too much fun"...did I mention that 13 of The Clan is 8 years and under?

Exactly what I'm thinking too. Earplugs, anyone? *wink*

It was a crazy time of hardcore playing...

I love how Chris (8) is showing Trent (5) his big muscles. And notice how Charis (7) and Selah (5) are going to battle against the "Mean Indian" Jacob (6) in the background.

Here's the motley crew of Mean Indians...


...hence the gruesome faces on two of the Indian Warriors.

Three boxes were constructed together to make their fort. (A brilliant idea by Aunt Joanna. Who knew you could go to stores and request appliance boxes? For free!)

When I saw this little Wagon-Ride-of-Terror that their little creative selves came up with, I had to talk myself through being a Mom NOT compelled by fear.

When I was little, my sister ended up with a bunch of stitches when we did something like. I still remember her screaming as I sat outside the ER room where they were sewing up her forehead. So yeah. I had to push that memory from my brain as I watched. ;)


But man, if they didn't have a blast doing it!

Unfortunately in the midst of this "crazy atmosphere", Alana (who didn't get either of her two naps) was only into being held.


So Jet and I took turns. :)


Raegan (2), who also missed her napped and wasn't acting herself, preferred to be away from the rowdy Indian game the older kids had going on. So she loved when Jacob showed her this little hidden fort where she could be in peace. :)


But she was ALL ABOUT being with the girl cousins.

Aren't they adorable? I have to smile when I envision what this group of girls will look/be like in 10 years.

And yeah, these three hit. it. off.

Lexi (6), Charis (7), and Selah (5)

When Lexi left that night to drive back to Texas, Charis told me how sad she was because Lexi was gone. but now she felt like she really knew her. Sweet.

I have a feeling these cousins (especially these girls) will share a lifetime of friendship together. How could they not? They are knitted by blood. drawn together by love.

Taking a chance...to love

I admit it. Sometimes it terrifies me to be parent. I mean, really really scares me to the depth of my being on days.

During those occasional emotional moments, I am completely overwhelmed with ...panic? no. anxiety? I don't think so.

Raw Love. Yeah...that sounds about right.

The kind where you know you can't contain your feelings. You can't hold them in. You can't hold them back. You can't NOT have them to a depth that's completely off the charts.

That's just not an option the moment you hold that baby in your arms.

The scary part? With that kind of love comes this knowledge that every day you are wearing your heart on your sleeve. ...No wait. That picture doesn't do it. It's more like:

Your holding your heart in your hand, while trying to balance on one foot. blindfolded. spinning in circles. praying that you don't fall or bump into something or God forbid, drop the heart.

There's just no way around it. Becoming a parent, your existence becomes about embracing another day where you have absolutely no control in the one arena where your heart is most vulnerable: the love you hold for your family.



You acknowledge that as calmly as you possibly can, yet try to swallow it...because you also know that in order to be a GOOD parent, you still choose to allow those children to take risks.

to be thrown up in the air for a good laugh.


(she's asking to do it again...)



to ride around the block on their bike just so they can feel grown up.


to eat that gummy bear even though you personally know a family that lost an older teenager because he choked on it.

Life. Love. Chances. Risks. Drunk drivers. Disease. Broken arm. Choking.

Around and around those thoughts swirl in my brain. The unknowns ...they lurk and hover when you're a parent. Or is it just me?

...I would die for my children. I would willingly give up my right arm if it meant having to cut it off myself. But that's just not an option that Life gives us, is it?



Becoming a parent has changed me, on levels that I'm yet to even realize. It's deepened me in ways I can't even verbalize. But I know, if you're a parent, you don't need for me to explain it. It just is.

You know when you deliver a baby and they cut the umbilical cord? Well, I'm fairly positive that in the spiritual realm, there's one that becomes attached to your heart, to your very soul. Because my daughters can pull on my heart strings like none other.

Their bad day is my bad day. The unknown of their future...whether they're yet to acknowledge it...is my own unknown. I don't know if this is right or wrong. But it's just the way I feel, as their mother.

Yet.

I know I have to find the balance somehow. Not be overtaken by the potential fear. not be convinced to hole up and refuse to let them live life because I'm afraid something may happen to them.

God help me.

You know that line in the movie Nemo...the one where Marlin says to Dory, "But I promised Nemo I'd never let anything happen to him"?

And then Dory, that crazy blue fish, says something so profound...something so true that it's stuck with me, even before I knew why: "That's a funny thing to promise. If nothing ever happens to him, then nothing will ever happen to him. Not very fun for little Harpo."

Yup. Exactly.

There's an unknown element to parenting. We, as parents, have all experienced it. Personally, I know it can be a scary place...

I just don't want it to be anymore, you know?

Marlin (from Nemo): "But, but, dude how do you know when they're ready (to go out into the real world)?"

Crush: "Well, you never really know you know, but when they know you'll know, ya know?"

Oh, the wisdom in that movie. ;)

God, give me the ability to let go...as each stage of their lives requires. To show them how to embrace life, in all its unknown potential. to define those unknowns, not as a place of fear, but rather an Adventure.

Parenting...the calling we can't successfully fulfill alone.

"We don't become a new creation by changing our behavior. It (Christianity) is not a self-help program. God is not interested in helping your... Self. He wants to be Himself. In you. It's about discovering the person you already are in Christ and behaving accordingly."
Graham Cooke

As I've been "nesting" and cleaning out the crevices of my house, I came across a couple of teaching CDs. And the above quote spoke to me in light of ...well many things.

But in this particular moment, my thoughts apply it to being a mother. of raising daughters. and of doing both in such way that my daughters will be equipped to be all that they, as individuals, have been called to be.

That's the weighty statement, isn't it? As a parent, I've been entrusted to encourage, discipline, and teach my girls to discover the person that GOD has created them to be. and to help them walk that out.

Wow. Excuse me a minute while I practice my deep-breathing exercises. Because that. is. huge. Just think: All-intensive discipleship training program 24 hours a day. for the next 20 years. and then being completely accountable to Him for those lives that you helped to shape.

Now, with this revelation...

(though not necessarily a new one...as I've said it here. and here before. It's just a well-timed revelation as I'm searching out my mother's heart these days)

...comes a choice. The choice on HOW I will interact with this truth.
Choice #1:

Be overwhelmed because when dissecting the ins and outs of that statement, I see that I'm not qualified to raise five girls (um yeah...the emotional, deep-thinking, sensitive kind of offspring) in such a way that they:

• all come out of adolescents not in need of counseling due to my parental failings.
  
  
• all enter adulthood with the ability to NOT compare themselves to other women, yet stand strong on their own two feet, honestly knowing that they are precious, beautiful, and complete because they are themselves. and no one else.
  
  
• they are able to face life's junk in such a way that it doesn't shake them to the core because they've been firmly established on A Rock (Him).

Yeah. This is me, tentatively raising my hand and confessing "Um, Not Qualified."

OR there's Choice #2:

Acknowledge that yes, I'm "only human" but He is more. He is capable. He has called me. and He will equip me.

Honestly, I can be realllllly self-focused sometimes. I say a serve a God who is bigger, but I can easily get caught up in just acknowledging His Bigness all while focusing on my smallness.

Which brings me to the next quote from the CD I'm listening to as I type (I'm only 10 minutes in)

"When God introduces you to a new Truth, He's also saying...From the moment you accept this Truth that is how I will see you. Where we often fall down is that we think it's on us to work that truth out and make it real in our experience. But Truth is a GIFT because Jesus is the Truth, right?

He's the gift.

So when God teaches you a new truth, he's actually GIVING you Himself in that new truth...." G. Cooke

He goes on to say more amazing things, but I can only type so fast. The jist is basically He's enabling you to do what you can't do. giving you Himself. because He can do.

That's all I'll write for now. And though this blog doesn't feel complete, I'm posting it anyway because it's where I am. It's part of my current journey in walking out becoming a better Mom.

something I obviously cannot work out without His intervention. on a constant and daily basis. as he overshadows my failings and covers them with his grace.

I have loads of "half-finished" blog posts in my box. Unpublished because they feel incomplete...and how can I present them to the Internet if not complete and figured out and well-packaged? *rolling my eyes*

But here I am, documenting the little bits that I feel God is showing me. So later in life, my girls can read it and know better His heart for their once-young mom.

So they can know my struggles and see His provision. So they can understand that to struggle isn't a life destined to be stuck in Less-than, but the chance to break free and embrace More-Than.

I am not perfect. I do not have it all figured out. I know me...I see the day-to-day of my life... and I see that I fail more times than I feel I succeed. I've been told I'm the girl who has it "all figured out and all put together...everything perfect."

I hear it in person. I read it in emails readers send me. And I can only stand there, shocked. completely in awe that they can be so misled in their perseption of me.

I am nothing. I have nothing. I can do nothing without His grace. And I'm so needing it as I prepare to bring another daughter into this world. Because like I said in my last post. Parenting and all that word means...well, it can shake me to the core.

Let's just be thankful that, as Christians, our core is Him. And HE is not easily shaken.

Parental Peer pressure. Oh the ugly motivation

If nothing else, Parenting will bring out your flaws.

Every insecurity you didn't deal with in your own adolescents revisits you unexpectedly. like an old friend...only not.

And the temptation to live vicariously through your children...and see them as extensions of yourself... is ever-ready, lurking on the corners of your mind. especially when you take them into public.

Because God forbid they act out or screw up. I mean, what would that say about YOU? as The Parent of child-imp? (hmm...is this where the word "chimp" came from? crazy I never saw that before.)

Growing up, I had a friend who's mom was very set on making sure that her daughter was popular. It was obvious. I knew it. Her daughter knew it, and even told me once that her mom was really popular as a teen and only wanted her to experience the same thing.

There was just this air (heir?) about this mom concerning her daughter...I can't explain it, but I'm thinking most of us have known someone like that in our lives.

A parent who's (quietly) determined that their child will have all the advantages money can buy and will be well liked by other children who ALSO have all the advantages. A parent who secretly hopes her daughter will be pursued by many, liked by all, and voted Homecoming Queen her senior year of high school...which happens to be only 10 years away.

Never to early to start practicing that Beauty Queen wave, right?

Now, this girl was gorgeous. Seriously. Long blond hair. Deep blue eyes. Naturally thin. Great smile. You get the picture. PLUS, she was sweet and brilliant to boot. She was the perfect package.

But looking back, I can see that she lacked one thing. Deep Confidence.

You know, the kind that you can literally see on a person 30 feet away. The kind that screams "I truly don't care what you think about me because...well, I'm good. So just move on with your need to categorize and stereotype me, I'm living life here."

We all know way-confident people like that as well :)

Even now (I'm processing as I type), I'm thinking that maybe this old girl friend of mine wasn't truly confident because of her mom. A mom who, whether silently or otherwise, was always insinuating that she could be more... A "more" than is purely defined by others deeming it so.

*big sigh*

As horrible as that above mom sounds, I can so see where I flirt on the outskirts of this mindset. totally falling prey to its alluring lie that my daughters need to be something in the eyes of ...someone else.

Maybe I'm the only mom (outside of that mom I remember from grade/high school) who deals with that temptation of thought?

But I SO don't want to go there. I SO don't want to communicate, whether by "encouraging" words or silent looks of disappointment, that any one of my daughters isn't good enough.

or that they have to live life to impress others...for the sake of earning other's approval.

Yet I know I stand dangerously close to this place. Most likely because I can err in this direction in my own life as well.

*exhaling...thinking...praying*

These past couple of weeks, it feels like the Lord has been carving deep niches in my Mother's heart. revealing blind spots. challenging me to step it up. encouraging me to step back...

My daughters are one of my great passions. I want to be the best mom possible for my girls. Even if that means taking a hard look at my flaws...so that I can be different, better.

I'm not really sure how to end this, other than to say...This is my heart's desire. I have no idea what to do with it, other than to lay it at His feet.

I'm an idiot.

Bet that title got your attention, huh? ....Let's just hope it gets MINE.

Because my head is still reeling. I still feel, literally, sick to my stomach. And I feel like I can't move past what just happened, in my very own living room. under my very own nose...

After talking to my librarian yesterday, I found out that we can get basic cable for only $10/month. (I to want to get PBS for a select few shows for my children.)

Well, the cable guy just came by to set it up. And already, 10 minutes into owning it, I'm wondering if we haven't made a colossal mistake.

Why, you ask? *sigh* Because it's already made me nauseated. Numerous time.


Bout with Nausea, Round 1:

As Cable Person is turning the channels, trying to assess the clarity of our FEW stations, my spirit is literally accosted by the commercials that came up. All while my two oldest girls sat in the room, watching as well.

Seriously, there's no other way to describe it. I felt completely violated because those ads were nothing short of pornographic.


Round 2:

Cable Person stops turning the channel, so he can work to find some channels that weren't showing up for some reason. Suddenly a talk show person appears and says, and I quote, "Today we're discussing why men are obsessed with str*ip bars."

Dear God. Are you kidding me?? My heart sinks. Surely he'll turn it. Surely he's intelligent enough to turn it.

Uh, yeah. He isn't.

He dabbles with the buttons for a while. I sit there in shock.


Round 3:

As he goes around to work with the back of the TV, I lean forward and turn the channel. I figure, it's obvious that what she's talking about is com-pleeeeee-tly inappropriate. So I'll just make this silent little gesture (albeit it obvious, in my thinking) to avoid making him or me uncomfortable by addressing the heinous topic that Day Time TV is chatting about with ease. On site....in the str*ip bar

Besides, the new channel is sporting the Home Shopping Network. How much more benign can it get? The blood drains from my face and I feel my heart rate return to normal. (I'm not kidding. I was physically reacting to seeing that smut...sitting with my daughters and a strange man present!)

But either he's completely an a...*clearing throat*...twit. Or he had reason to be on that specific channel? Because he turns it BACK....to the lovely little discussion about la*p danc*es and other...*cough* such descriptive things.

My heart sinks. I try to find my tongue. and backbone. and a large mallet with which to knock some sense into him break the offending appliance.

But instead I just sit there, SAYING NOTHING. All while my girls are sitting there, taking in all these new words and partial images (thankfully the menu screen was up, so it blocked most of the screen).

Yet I said NOTHING.

NOTHING, people! This is where I just...*sigh* ...even in hindsight I don't even know what to say. Other than WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Finally, he turned it when the TV discussion started to go really downhill. Maybe he wasn't really paying attention to what was on before and suddenly started to listen to what was being said? (doubtful) Maybe he's socially retarded but had a moment of clarity? I don't know. But thank God, he finallllly turned it.

And still, I just sat there. Silent. Completely shocked that NOTHING had come out of my mouth. NOTHING.

And here I sit...after he's gone... still sick to my stomach. Still unable to grasp what just happened, or rather didn't happen when it comes to my speaking ability. Still annoyed at him for his cluelessness.

But MORE SO at ME for my spinelessness.

These girls are MY children, given to ME to protect. This is MY house. That is MY TV. I'M paying him to work for me. I am essentially The Boss.

Yet. I said NOTHING. and because of this I am deeply grieved.

Am I that bound by wanting to not hurt people's feelings that I'll opt to protect them over my own children? Am I so bound in wanting others to like me that I'll remain quiet while they disrespect me in my own house? Am I so stupid that I am unable to speak when my insides are screaming???

Apparently today I was. and I am sooo grieved by it.

Sometimes I look at my life and feel that maybe I shelter my girls too much:

• I homeschool them. NOT to shelter them, but to provide something different than what they'd get at the public school down the road.
• We don't let them watch much TV.
• We don't let them talk certain ways or express attitudes that some think harmless or "just what kids do"
  
• We intentionally don't hang out with families where the kids are allowed to show blatant disobedience and disrespect on a daily basis.

And sometimes I think...maybe I need to expose them more? let them see a little bit of what's out there so they can learn to deal with it? Maybe we're too conservative? too protective? too sheltering?

Well, today was a total kick in the butt to that thinking. Because honestly, I don't even want to be a part of "what's out there" if this is what it's like. Even if it's just on the sidelines watching, I just don't want to be involve...on any level...with that crap. Period.

So why would I want my children?

Have I really fallen prey to allowing myself to think that "socializing" them means exposing them to things that taint the mind and bring death to the spirit? Have I really fallen prey to the ideal of political correctness and "tolerance" that I go silent when it comes to how other's choices effect my own?

My prayer? to find my backbone. to not be afraid of speaking the truth...even if it means offending someone in the process. to be bold enough to put on the boxing gloves and knock SIN in the teeth. without apology.

After all, my girls are learning from ME even when we're not doing school. They're watching me to see how and where and when I draw boundaries. along with when I remain silent.

:( God help me because I'm completely baffled. and a bit nauseated. and a whole lot appalled at my obvious level of stupidity.

"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction." 2 Timothy 4:2

My honest hope is that next time something like this happens where I need to speak up...NEED to draw boundaries around my children or myself...and NEED to call someone on their junk...that I won't stand there shocked to silence.

But that I'll be so filled with the Holy Spirit that my tongue cannot remain still. that Truth cannot remain silent.

And yeah. Whether or not we keep Basic Cable is still up in the air. After 8.5 years of not having any, I'm thinking it won't be missed it if we decide to turn it off again.

Lost somewhere between overwhelmed and overjoyed

Many times I've sat down to try and write about all that's happening in our lives. But each time I even go to my blog homepage, I'm overwhelmed with the enormity of trying to document it all. It just doesn't seem possible.

That's the way my life seems to role. I journal...regularly. I'm successful at keeping up with most some an extremely small portion of the bigger things in our family life.

And then, out of the blue, life will explode with possibility. or frustration. or craziness. :)

or the realization oh that's right, I'm homeschooling.... Getting ready to have my fifth child (ie. contracting) while still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm actually getting ready to have my fifth child!... The holidays are fast drawing near, bringing with it the first time my husband's entire sibling group will all be together in 4 years, I think? ....I'm in the process of writing a book. Meaning it's not finished yet and whatever spare brain-matter I used to have to work on it in the evening is fast fading as I get closer to Due Date....I'm dealing with a body has suddenly decided that it's no longer into this whole pregnancy thing and has thus opted to "check out" for now. Which means I can fall asleep on the couch before the girls go to bed at 7pm. Or get sick to my stomach from just eating a small amount of dinner.... I have a lot on my plate and don't even know where to start gathering my thoughts to write.

Blog? What blog?? :)

My hope is that in the next few days I'll go back and at least, for the sake of memory, post pictures of all that we've been doing over the last couple of months.

Because God knows life's not going to slow down any time soon.

Internet lovin'

I know, I know. I totally look like I'm doing something wrong. being all mischievous and ...stuff.

I think I was getting ready to say something? or maybe was cleaning my teeth with my tongue? or perhaps this is just the way I always look but had have no clue because I'm never on the other end of the camera lens? Scary. :/

Either way, Jet captured "the look" on film. Such talent has he.

But the point is to show that the girls were completely en-thu-ralled with what they were watching via the Internet.


You'd think to look at them that they were incapable of movement.

Though I'm pretty sure I saw someone blink. Once.

We watched it at least three times.

And not because I was wanting to. They just kept asking for "one more time" over and over.

Apparently they were *really* into it. (poor Charis and her red chapped nose)

And yes, they did smile. They even laughed. Hard. I just didn't get that on film for some reason?

Even Lani, who loves to ham it up when there's a picture to be had,

(We occasionally wash her face. but only occasionally.)

eventually was swayed by the laughter and commotion from the girls as they watched. Though I'm thinking her interest wasn't peaked until Viewing #3.

She's looking at The Sisters, laughing with them. finally toddling over to see for herself.


So what were they watching, you ask? Their cousin, Lexi (and Uncle Jonas) creating some cooking concoction.

(They haven't seen Lexi for YEARS. In fact, Raegan and Lani have never met her...and I'm doubting Selah actually remembers being with her. So they're in full-on Gear-Up Mode, prepping to see her in a matter of weeks for Thanksgiving)

We love you, Lexi. All of the girls are READY to play...and cook! ;)

33 weeks pregnant

This picture isn't the greatest. But eh. I weaned you off of any great-expectations-in-the-whole-maternity-pictures-arena looonnng ago.

33 weeks. 153 lbs.


Forgive the ratty look. I had just gotten off the treadmill, walked by the stair mirror, and thought "You know, I probably should take another picture before I deliver."

No matter that, again, I am headless. All while my reflection bounces back at me from yet another dirty, spotty mirror. I promise, they look relatively clean in real life. Honest they do.

I suppose I should forgo any hopes of ever going professional with my photography skillz. Or modeling for that matter. Apparently Headless doesn't appeal to most.

Former Director for Planned Parenthood. Now a Prolife advocate.

fetus at 12 weeks

My husband has a blog. One that he doesn't usually use. But he did today...and what he posted broke my heart. You can see it here.

WWF

I so should have gotten pictures of the "During", but I couldn't bring myself to get the camera. I was too busy enjoying and laughing at my girls and husband wrestling around on the floor.

ALL of the girls LOVE beating up on Daddy. And I do mean they have every intention of hurting him.

They love talking about how strong they are. How much stronger the "(insert my last name) Girl team" will be once Baby Girl is here. They love hitting him with whatever inanimate object they can find. jumping on top of him from the couch. putting him in a choke hold.

Ah, does my mother's heart good.

Even Alana (13 months) got in on it. running around the room GROWLING at everybody. and eventually throwing herself in the floor laughing. I SO should have videotaped it, dang it.

But alas, I was enjoying life and not documenting it. *wink*

But I DID manage to get the "After" shot, capturing the look of Victory on the girls' faces.

even though Daddy refused to admit defeat.

This time.

Time and the busy-ness of my day is NOT an enemy. But a gift. And I'm determined to change my present mindset to fit that thinking.


During my last pregnancy, I felt on top of the whole Delivery Prep. as I prayed for a deep-rooted faith in believing Him, yet again, for another pain-free delivery (without meds).

I openly shared my faith-walk (via Blogdom) as I documented:

• the ups and downs of my emotions
• my weekly wavering to find footing in a place that felt completely shaky
• the things that I had heard God communicate to me as I sat at his feet in prayer

But this time around, I haven't felt on top of any aspect of it.

This pregnancy has raced past. My days have been filled to the brim with Life in general. While my evenings have been maxed-out, trying to balance quality time with Jet with writing a book that Fo*cus on the F*amily thought was coming out a few months ago.

Yeah, that didn't happen. ;)

During the last pregnancy I was able to devote hours in worship and prayer, fighting for His promises made manifest in my labor/delivery... This time...well, it just hasn't happened.

And honestly? It's been a little bit unnerving to me. I've fought with fears, thinking that this time would be different (ie. painful) because this time I wasn't going into it emotionally/spiritually built up and guarded by prayer.

Basically I've struggled with the thought of: I haven't done MY part, so why should I expect God to do His?

Then a few weeks ago, the Lord started up a conversation with me out of the blue. one that I didn't quite understand until He got to the end of it. The gist of it being:

"What if I healed your eyes? made it so you could see perfectly. Would you be afraid that I'd take it away? Would you wake up every day and feel like you had to fight for that healing... Again? No, you wouldn't. You'd just receive it, adjust your life to fit the fact that your eyes were now miraculously healed, and move on.

Why are you so afraid that I'm going to take this away from you now?

I just sat there. on my bed. in complete awe. It made so much sense. You know, coming from The All-wise One and all. ;)

Yet. even after that little heavenly message from On High, I continued to struggle with fear that I wasn't doing my part. that I wasn't being the "good girl' who was fighting the good fight, running hard after Him, and beating down the forces of Hell with one hand tied behind my back.

Apparently I'm not a quick learner. Who knew. (notice the lack of question mark) ;)

And then just now...as I heard Alana on the monitor struggling to nap because of teething...I figured that getting on the treadmill would be a waste of time because any minute I'd have to go upstairs and get her. So I picked up my Bible, out of sheer "Eh. nothing else to do."

Yes. Spiritual Giant over here. No...really. *rolling my eyes*

But you know, even then...even amidst my lazy attitude towards spending quality time in the Word... HE is still faithful. Because I know the verse that I randomly opened to was *meant* for me to read. Today.

Isaiah 53:10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise him; he has put him to grief."

Let me just say that first that if you haven't read the past blogs about this whole painfree birth adventure God put me on, you need to or you just won't get what I'm talking about. This one explains the basics of it.

Anyway.

Out of all the scriptures I could have read, this was the one that "randomly" met my eyes. It amazes me. The verse that speaks of how God put Jesus to GRIEF! The very word (grief) that was first used as the curse over Eve and her childbearing. The very curse that Jesus annulled. canceled. and obliterated on the cross.

The very Grief-Obliteration that gives me access to even begin to believe Him for yet another miraculous delivery.

And then the Lord spoke to me again.

Just a simple sentence, but very meaningful to me and where my thoughts have been warring, as I've been trying to be faithful to everything else the Lord has put on my already-overflowing plate. all while struggling with the feeling that I'm completely neglecting praying for the delivery.

Him: "What if I said, it's not about you and what you do, But about ME and what I did?"

Huh. Yeah. YOU are the reason I can trust you. YOU. Not me.

I know that there are times where, in order to walk in the promises of God, we have to fight for it, stand our ground in unrelenting warfare. I feel like I did that with Lani's delivery...and learned a lot in the process.

But then there are times that you just have to rest in the fact that God is who He says he is. and just embrace Peace as you hold on to the fact that He does what we cannot do.

I don't mean to say that I'm not praying. Because I am. Prayer is all about hanging out with the Lord. I never want to give up on that. But I do want to put to death the driving fear that if I don't do my part (whatever that means), he won't do his.

Because that's just not Truth. Truth says that He is faithful to the faithless.

"if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot deny himself." 2 Timothy 2:13

And I want to soak myself in that. as I embrace the fact that He will continue to be True to his promises during this next delivery. whether I feel "on top of it" or not.

Wanna feel SMALL?

Lou Giglio has some amazing videos. Period. They blew my mind and overwhelmed with me wonder. Seriously.

And just in case you've never heard of them (like me a week or so ago), here's a link to watch some on You*tube...




"Indescribable" Using the cosmos, we get a glimpse into God's universe to discover the amazing magnitude of His greatness and grace.

Okay, so that's the basic description that Amazon gave. But me...there's no words. I just felt so small after watching it. So inspired to believe Him to be ALL He says He is. and so completely overwhelmed that He even knows my name.

and bothers to use that itty bitty iota of knowledge to talk to me. *mind boggling*

Go here to watch it. There are five parts. Once you've watched the first part, just click on the second, third, and so forth (found in the middle screen and/or on the right hand side of the screen).




"How Great is our God" It starts out talking about the Bigness of God (again using the expanse of the Universe (only in a different twist than Indescribable)...and honestly, it blew me away. Even after watching Indescribable!

And then it goes into details about the intricate parts of your personal make up. Amazing. Think "Laminin". Means nothing to you? Watch the video. ;)

Go here to watch. Again, it has multiple parts that you can click to as each section ends.


I love reminding myself about the God that I serve. The Truth of Who He Is. The Reality of what He does. The unfathomable facets of His Handiwork.

Because sometimes I get so caught up in ME. how large and overwhelming my my my situations can feel. I'm so self-centered sometimes.

But watching these, exploring the GRAND scheme of God's work, made me feel so small. It made the things I'm believing Him for seem so trite. so easy. and so completely doable to a God who is ...well, Great and completely Indescribable.

I hope as you watch, you'll feel that same thing. And fall in love with a God who is so much bigger than we give him credit. and yet so into the very details of what makes you you.