From the Heart.

I have no rough draft. No reading and rereading to make it "just right". I'm just going to think and type. Think and type. For there is much that is swirling around my heart...


God, do you ever just look at me and think "You know, I love that girl. But she just doesn't have a clue"?

Now before you answer, Lord. Just hear me out. Because I know Your love for me doesn't hang in the balance, based on my performance and all. Really, I do. I know that. But I've been thinking about some things.

I really don't have any concept of what it means to be someone's BOND SERVANT. Of having a MASTER. Of serving a KING. Of truly suffering. Of putting my life on the line in order to speak Your Name.

Nope. Not even an iota of a concept. I've never been beaten for believing in You. I've never been told that if I value my life and my daughters' lives...I must deny you or face the knife. I've never been in a position where I would suffer any harm (Matt. 5:11) ...just because I love you. You know?

I've never given up everything I own to follow you (Luke 18:22). I've yet to bring the homeless into my home because of fear. I've never shared my dinner table with drug addicts because of personal discomfort. I've never clothed the people that I pass on the street holding signs because of inconvenience. (Isaiah 58:7)

I've never lived in a country that actually serves a king. I've definitely never seen united passion over fulfilling the desires and purposes of any leader.

I mean, yeah we have a president and all...but regardless of who he is or what he says, people make it a full-time job to verbally tear him to shreds. Honoring him is rare. Honoring him in unity is almost unthinkable. Honoring him to the point of death (outside of military during wartime) is unheard of.

Gone are the days where elders are considered wise simply because they are older. Where leaders are respected just because they are...well, leading. Where you can actually believe in the integrity of someone because they have taken an oath to lead you valiantly, selflessly. No. All of those things seem outdated. Almost naive. Self-serving seems to be the theme of the day. Bumper stickers with "Question Authority" and "An Army of One" now grace our streets.

Yeah, I know, Lord. I've heard stories of selfless people. Sure. But those are from people who lived long ago. They seem untouchable. Their stories have become like legends. They, like heros. And honestly, Lord?...and that's what I see today. Striving to be a hero. to find a secure place in history...or in a town...or in a church...to remembered for something. for some worthy cause. for some great deed. Because they made a difference.

Not because they laid down their lives to the point of death to work towards someone else's worthy cause. But isn't that what I profess to do? At least in theory, as I lay hold to the title "Christian"? To lose my life so I can gain it in You?

Yet. If I'm honest. You know, since I'm laying it all out there, Lord, I have to say I pretty much stink in the whole "losing my life" concept. Just trying to keep it real here, God. You know, for later on when my girls read this as adults. So they can know the depths of my questions.

Because I have no concept of what it's really like to pant for You like the deer does for water. To desire you more than the air I breathe. Oh trust me, I've sang songs that declare those are truths in my life. But...they aren't. They are just lyrics that I can lift up to you in song. In harmony, to boot. And oh the glorious sound that it makes.

But does it? Are you pleased when I sing songs with lyrics that hold no meaning in the very core of my heart? in the very nature of my actions. Is that a glorious sound to You?

Now don't get me wrong here, Lord. You know I love you. I worship you. I have sacrificed my comfort, my bank account, my pride, my identity for you. I've tried to revolve the entirety of my life around the heart of knowing you, serving you, dying for you.

...but upon further inspection, I have to wonder. Was it completely for...YOU? Or did I have some ulterior motive? Some hope of something for me? Some fulfillment of all the promises you've made in Scripture, maybe? Some proof that I can hold in my hand to show my fellow Christians that I am worthy of church membership? or their esteemed respect (oh please)?

Keith Green, in one of his infamous songs, wrote: "Jesus rose from the grave, and you, you can't even get out of bed."

Yeah. See, I'd have to confess, THAT is me. I like sleep. I like leisurely mornings. I like doing my thing. and having "me time." I like that my time is my own. That I'm not on someone's "clock"...that I don't have to answer to deadlines and demands of a tangible boss.

Do I think that you think those are necessarily bad things? No. I really don't. I don't believe that you look at me on my treadmil and think "Waste of time, Christin!" but in the depth of me...I have to think that there is something I'm missing. A core devotion. A solid understanding that my life is not my own.

Because I don't think that a bond servant would be sleeping in. I think that he would have thought one thing, as he opened his eyes in the morning light. And that wouldn't have been "must. sleep. longer." It would have been to accomplish his master's purposes. Regardless of whether he deemed them important or not. There was no wheeling and dealing. The servant did what the master asked.

So God, when I listen really really carefully, this is what I'm finding my heart saying...
You are a kind Master. There's no doubt. But I am a iffy slave. Sure, call me when other slaves will be around. You know, so I can have motivation through the form of praise of my fellow servant. Otherwise, I'd rather not do the lowly, lonely things. Okay? It's not worth my time. Because if I do those things...it's not really a trade off, you know? And the trade off is this: I will do what you want as long as I get something in return. Even if only that "something" is feeling good about myself and maybe, just maybe, knowing others share my inflated opinion.

Luke 18:29 says "Truly, I say to you, there is no man who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will no receive manifold more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life." (and can I add "ego" and "image" to this list, Lord?)

But everything in me says, "Eh. maybe. But I just really don't want to give it all up, you know? I mean, I'm far too comfortable right now. Thanks for the opportunity to invest in the future, God. But I think I'll pass. Get back to me, will ya?"

See, Lord? I'm clueless. I say one thing, yet in my heart, all too often, practice another. I devote my life to you, in lip service. And then proceed to run my day-to-day like I think I should.

"For the shepherds are stupid, and do not inquire of the Lord..." Jeremiah 10:21

Hmmm. Pretty harsh words there, Lord. But so true.

And while I'm sure there are all sorts of excuses I could say. Things that, when said, would take some of the weighty guilt off of me. At least in other's eyes. But I won't. For You already know every good thing I've ever done.

So all I will do is this: I want to stand before you without excuse, pride, guilt, or shame. So I pose this question. Do you ever look at me and think I am clueless?

Yes, I know it's a hard question. But not so much for you to answer. But for me to ask. Because it causes me to really take a look at my heart...as my actions say it really is.