Filled to the brim with pictures of women's bodies who, in my head, can't possibly be real past the age of 19. Article titles that promise "You can do it!", "Reach any better body goal", and "Sleeker thighs in 3 moves" jump out, taunting me from every single page. And of course no exercise story is complete without a full body picture of Miss Fitness USA showing you how to correctly complete said exercises. *groan*
So last night, I go through the articles, pick out the program that I'm most likely to stick with, and set it aside. This morning, I take it out, look at the first exercise on the list, and read the following:
Standing with feet shoulder-width apart, lift right leg off the floor, bending right knee 90 degrees; keep hands on hips. Bring right leg 45 degrees away from body, balancing on left
leg. From this position, bring right knee toward right side and back toward center.
Seriously?
If I was listening to someone explain this, I'd be asking over and over, "Uh, could you repeat that last part? You see, I was working on the 90 angle part. And I dropped my protractor. Darn thing just slipped right through my fingers before I could measure the angle. So could you slow down cause I never got the 90-degree thing down before you rushed on to the 45-degree part. And while we're at it, I'm having a hard time with the whole left and right sides moving at the same time thing."
But as it is, I'm READING it. Slowly. Over and over, all the while trying to effectively and gracefully accomplish it. I actually had flashbacks of playing the game "Twister". Except this time it was just me, the floor, and the instructions I was wildly trying to hold onto and read as I contorted my body this way and that.
My oldest daughters were right beside me on the floor, obviously enthralled by what fun new game mommy was playing. They were mock breathing heavy. Like Mommy. Throwing their arms and legs around wildly. Like Mommy. It all had a seizure-like appearance. So in following with the other examples, I'd take a stab and say it, too, was...like Mommy. Nice.
Apparently they wanted to do what I was doing. And all I wanted to do was what Miss Fitness USA was doing in the picture. We were all failing miserably. For model-lady was doing it gracefully. perfectly. Sweat-free.
In fact, she was smiling, looking so content and at-ease that I suddenly had the urge to follow a new set of instructions: "Lunge forward with right leg. Use heel of right foot on right leg to take smile off of offending person's face." But for the life of me, I couldn't find those instructions anywhere. Huh. Shocking, really.
But distracted by my "Mini Mes", writhing on the floor in pretend exercise agony, I put the article down. And as I frantically continued to flip through the pages of Fitness, I came across these two articles: "Beat belly bulge" and "Hit every muscle in 5 minutes"
Okay. So that I can do. Plus, I have helpers to boot!
"Okay girls, come here and take a *whack* at mommy. Just hit me until you can't hit me any longer! Yes. I'm serious. No, you won't end up in the Naughty Corner. Go ahead. Hit every muscle you can for the next 5 minutes. And if you don't mind, focus on the buttocks area. Mkay? And can you go get me a lemonade first? I don't want to get dehydrated."
So see, at least this is an exercise program I can do with ease!! I mean, I may get bruised and all, but according to the picture, if I do this for a few weeks and I'll be back to my pre-baby size in no time. Yeah, I may be forming some unhealthy social habits in my daughters. But my jeans will fit me once more! I mean, come on. It's all about priorities, right?
**FYI, I am joking. The Internet tends to take itself so seriously sometimes. It really should loosen up, don't ya think?** ;)
5 comments:
You have me rolling... I'm sitting here picturing the girls in all their contortionist (including vocals) glory.
It's so true though. WHERE do they come up with these exercise programs? Maybe the CIA could use them to extract information from enemy combatants. "PLEASE,PLEASE!!! I'll talk, I'll talk. Anything but another 90 degree leg extension"
I am laughing so hard. You crack me up! I have been trying to do something about my lingering baby fat as well. Sad part is mine is there in 3 layers, Cooper's layer, Camden's layer and then Caiyah's! I have been making myself get up early (I am not a morning person) and take the kiddos for a walk every morning. I load them up in the car along with my 2 seat jogger and baby carrier and we go walk down by the river. I was having them ride bikes, but soon realized that between stopping to help them tie a shoe, get a drink, take off a sweatshirt....you get the idea, I wasn't working up much of a sweat. So now the boys ride in the stroller, I wear Caiyah in my front pack and OFF WE GO!! I walk about 2 miles total, and once when I felt really ambitious I tried to jog a little but poor Caiyah didn't like all that bouncing!!! I feel like I am really working out by the time I am done but I am not seeing any real results yet. Can't wait for that day!!! Good luck in your workout routine. And remember even if it looks like seizures, you never know it just might be working!:)Plus it's cheap entertainment for your girls!
HA! I USED to get that magazine...it would just make me sad. I DID look like that (okay, not EXACTALLY like that) before kids and in my early 20's. I weigh the same now, but somehow it isn't spread out the same. (Used to be muscle, and now...isn't). I do run all summer, but am stuck for consistant exercise in the winter. LOVE to snowshoe, but my littlest isn't quite big enough to do the mountains with me yet! I get annoyed at those magazines sometimes because they give women and girls an unrealistic idea of what we "should" all look like. I will be 36 in a few weeks and well, it is just different than 26, that's all.
I think you look great. (At least in your pictures!) Go have ice cream.
My favorite part: the naughty corner. Funny!
I too will sacrifice Haven's social skills if it means a nice body! ;)
Ok. I have a confession to make. I am a fan of Richard Simmons. I own 2 of his work out videos. You can stop laughing. There are days where I am praying for my 30 minutes to be over in 15! (Am I really THAT out of shape?! Um, the answer would be YES) Joseph loves to exercise with me. He looks something like a drunk walking a tight rope, but he has fun.
Good for you to try to lose those last few pounds. It makes me sick to know that you only have a few. I am on the same page as Sylvia, I've got 3 layers of baby fat. And 1 of those baby's is 4... so it has gotten rather comfy where it is. Ugh. Hope your lbs aren't as stubborn... no no no.... hope you are more motivated to lose those last lbs than I am. :) (I like my ice cream)
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