I figure it's not flaunting some worthless promise of a miraculous breakthrough way to lose weight. Since I'm fairly certain the only tried-and-true method to losing weight is simple: burn-up more calories than you're eating.
No miracle there. Just hard work.
BUT this lovely little promise just said ways to APPEAR thinner. So I had to look. Since I'm still carrying around 15 lbs of baby weight.
And so I clicked on that little icon.
You know the things to which I refer... those alluring little boxes that lead us to places where we're supposed to be filled with educational help. tips from the pros. people who, though have never met us, can somehow empathize with our plight. like a dear friend.
Aw. Don't you just want to hug her for taking the time to help?
But as the page uploaded and the picture popped on my screen, I was horrified to see what my dear friend considered overweight and in need of a good 10-pound slimming via the miracle jeans she's so easily slipping on.
Are you kidding me?! This chick needs to be gaining a few pounds! Those legs look like...well honestly, I'm feeling rather inclined to sing about a chicken.So if, dear friend, those are the pants that you are advising I put on, I'm thinking we need to have us a good chat. Those would not fit above my knee.
And even then, that may be pushing it. Since I'm not a big fan of cutting off the circulation to my ankles. I'm picky that way.
Yet.
Being the brave soul that I am, I ventured on. Wanting my friend (notice the missing "dear" part...I demoted her) to have a chance to redeem herself.
But you, Friend, disappointed me once again.
by showing me this waif of a woman. and citing her shirt as the example for how to make arms appear thinner.
I'm thinking if her arms got any thinner, they'd be rendered useless. completely inept when it comes to things like...oh, manning a 30 lb. toddler. opening a SUV's hatch. holding a toothbrush.I'm beginning to think, oh-writer-of-this-article (notice the missing friend title? demoted. once. again) that you obviously need a strong reality check. or kick in the pants.
Because I have to admit, I think you're bound and determined, not to help me. but rather to ruin my day. stomping to bits any remaining self-confidence. silently mocking me from your side of cyberspace.
And then with one click of a button, I knew I was right. For this doozy of a picture appeared.
You're laughing right now. Aren't you, oh-spawn-of-all-things-evil.The last time a rear view shot of me looked like that I was...oh , 10. and in 4th grade. Though I remember being a lot shorter. and completely incapable of walking around in the stilettos that your 10 year old model is sporting.
So in closing, horrible hateful Internet terr*orist, I have to say the next time you try to advise me on ways to just disguise my "jiggly bellies or chubby hips," you had better post a model who actually weighs more than 90 pounds. who actually has faced puberty and lived to tell about it. and who... maybe, just maybe...has birthed a child.
Instead of using girls who resemble the mannequin I saw in the children's department last weekend.
Instead of using girls who resemble the mannequin I saw in the children's department last weekend.
