(picture of burial taken ONLY because the girls asked me to)Death came.
It's been one heck of a day. One where my girls went from sobbing... to "just fine"... back to sobbing... to questioning... to sad...and then back again.
Me? I stayed fairly constant... weepy.
Anytime you look at the face of death, it's not easy. But when you face it while holding the hand of a child, it's substantially harder.
Because the way that they learn to grieve, to handle loss, and to understand death is all based on how they see me doing those things. So today I made it a point to be as real as possible.
...I openly cried. and found them watching me and crying as well.
...I explained that some people grieve differently than others. To which Charis promptly and tearfully informed me that "Nothing you just said helped me. I'm. still. sad." (her honesty made me smile)
...I answered questions as honestly as I could, which I found only generated deeper questions from their hearts.
...I didn't pretend to know what I have no clue about: Do animals go to heaven? "I don't know, but if God did take animals to heaven, can you imagine what Toby'd be doing now?" ...and then we'd try to guess what fun things he'd be getting into.
...and I didn't question or correct their emotions, but tried my hardest to support their process of grieving. Whatever that had to look like for them.
Though I do have to say, at one point, I had to intervene because it was getting to a place where it was bordering unhealthy...
They had been (surprisingly) fine for the majority of the afternoon. But when it came time to get ready to go to my parents house to bury him, things started to heat up on the emotional front.
Charis started to rehearse, over and over again, how sad she was...throwing herself sobbing on the bed. To which Selah followed suit.
Um yeah, so much from learning the grieving process from ME. Who am I kidding? They have a posse of sisters who willingly volunteer to lead the way. *wry grin*
As I got the other girls ready, I could hear Charis and Selah in their room, their sobs getting louder and louder. Their wails of "Toby! Toby!" over and over again getting more and more intense. and I was honestly torn.
While I knew they were really upset, I also sensed they were experimenting with their grief levels. YET, I wanted to be really careful to NOT hover and define their grief for them. YET, I didn't want them to work themselves into a frenzy.
and believe me, they can.
Sure enough, when I walked in their room both were pretty much watching themselves in the mirror. sort of working off of each other and their reflection of open mouthed sobs.
God bless their hearts...it wasn't an easy day. For any of us.
What do you say to your child as they cry, "My life doesn't feel right without him!"?
What comfort do you really have to offer when your child cries, "But I want to be in heaven now. I want to see what heaven looks like. I want to see Jesus. I don't want to wait anymore."
......
On so many levels, emotions regarding this run deep for me.
We've had Toby since we got married. So Jet and I, as a couple, have never not had him. He's been a part of 'us"for over 8 years.
He's the reason that I've felt safe when Jet wasn't here. I knew, without doubt, no fool would walk into our house with The Beast present. :) He was my fierce protector, yet my daughter's cuddle bug.
It's surprised me how deeply I grieved...and almost embarrassed me. What adult sobs over a dog? ME!!
But on the flip side, I suppose it's been "good" for the girls to have an up close and personal introduction/understanding of death via a pet and not a person.
*sigh* Honestly I don't even know what to say. so here's just a few things I want to remember:
- Raegan stayed surprisingly levelheaded: "Why's everyone crying? Toby's dead, right?" "What's the matter guys?"
-Charis grieved hard and fast. Selah went deep and slow.
-Charis seemed to get closure by looking at Toby's body. Selah got more emotional.
-Both of the older girls had lots of questions about bodies and spirits and going to heaven.
-After burying Toby, Charis sad, "That was fun. I didn't even cry." ??
It's been a long day. From Jet waking me up to give me the news. to Selah sobbing herself to sleep.
I have a feeling the next few days will be a series of ups and downs. I'm just thankful that our hearts are anchored in The Rock. so even when our grief is all across the board, He holds us.
