The Clothes Line

In my parent's side yard are two trees. Trees, that for years and years and years, had a clothes line strung up between them.




For as long as I remember, I would have to physically duck down in order to pass between the trees so that I could go sit on a swing.

A couple years back, my parents took that clothes line down.

Around that time, Jet and I moved back from Texas. And as we waited for the contract on our house to close, we lived with my parents for a couple of months. So on a daily basis, at least once a day, I passed between those two trees to join my girls on their beloved swing.

Just like I had done all of my life.

The first time I walked between the trees (after the line was removed), I ducked. In fact, I hadn't realized that the line was gone yet. I was so used to it's presence, that I just expected it to be there and reacted accordingly.

The second time I walked through, I ducked. Again. The fact that the clothesline was actually gone (and I was aware of this) didn't matter. Because my brain kept insisting:

1. You can't always see a clothes line until you're almost on top of it.
2. It will hurt. Therefore avoid it at all costs.

Day after day, I would pass through those trees. Day after day, my body would draw back as I walked through. Time after time after time...

In all honestly, the whole scenerio was baffling to me.

The fact that I was apparently unable to break this odd habit was crazy. The fact that my body was pulling rank over my rationalizing skills just seemed so silly. Especially since I knew it was gone, you know?!

Especially since I had the reassurance that it was not going back up. Ever.

YET my body had been conditioned to duck, regardless of whether the present-day need was urgent or non-existent. My mind had been trained to anticipate the pain and avoid it.

Habit was over-riding logic. Expectation of being clothes-lined was effecting my daily walk (to the swing).

This "habit", formed out of necessity to avoid pain, had apparently become as involuntary as breathing.

So I, being determined to not let this "invisible line" rule me, started to consciously change my thinking.

It may sound silly, but I'd walk up next to the trees. Stop. And remind myself that the clothes line was not there anymore. That there was no need to duck. That I could just walk straight through. Without incident or pain.

And then, I would proceed to walk through to the swing on the other side.

It took me many many times of this kind of resetting of my mind before I could walk through without physically hesitating or flinching. It took practice. It took a Ginormous amount of mental dedication to walk the path over and over again. *hard to believe*

My body...and my brain...expected an obstacle as I walked that path. Regardless of what reality said I should expect. So I had to intentionally retrain them both.

Crazy isn't it? Even now, as I write this, I think, "Seriously, was it THAT hard?!" But I assure you, it was. Yet during this entire process, I heard the still small voice of the ever-creative Father say, "Isn't this how trust is?"

Huh. Yeah, I guess it is.

If there's any area in my life where I have been hurt again and again, it's easy to just expect it, you know? Regardless of whether "reality" says I have reason or not.

Because when people have let me down again and again...if I have been betrayed, back-stabbed, or emotionally beaten down...it's near impossible to not just expect it and react accordingly. Regardless of how I want to react, you know?

It's a tricky thing, our brain. When you think a thought enough times, it literally creates a groove/pathway within the framework of the brain. Essentially, it becomes easier and easier to think the same thought. Or in music, to play the same song without effort. Or I'd wager a guess... in relationships, to expect the same outcome.

SO on the same token, does that mean that it becomes harder and harder to think something that travels apart from that groove? *shrug* Just a guess.

The question that I have to ask myself is this: what grooves have been niched out in the framework of my brain? Spiritually, emotionally, relationally, etc.

Are there invisible "clotheslines" in my life where I continue to duck? Expecting to get pelted,when it's not really reality? Am I walking through life, avoiding going between the proverbial trees because I think a boobie-trap of sorts has been set?



Am I withholding my heart...my trust...from a particular relationship because I have trained it to hide behind walls for protection sake?

My guess. Yeah. There are many invisible clotheslines. Especially where relationships are concerned. I expect certain people to act a certain way towards me.

So okay, Lord. You have my attention. I get it. You used that stinkin' clothesline to challenge me. To show me that I have some trust issues. ....I'm listening. What do I need to do? Show me how and what to change.

Renew my mind so that I may interact with those people (You know the ones) in a way that doesn't stem from fear, haughtiness, judgement, or hate.

I really do want to be able to walk to "the other side" without expecting to be *whacked*.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2

Changing the way you approach QUIET times...

I'm sorry, but did you just say "QUIET"?!

Excuse me while I laugh because I'm fairly certain "quiet" just isn't a part of my life right now.


In fact, there's nothing particularly quiet about my life these days. Shoot, even my nights aren't quiet. Yet somehow I'm expected to have a "legitimate quiet time"?

Uh...?


One day I'll be able to go off by myself, find a field or a stretch of beach that's all my own while I bear my heart before God.

But today is not that day, you know?

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Lord. I have a daily relationship with Him. We communicate...I talk. He listens. He talks. I listen. But getting away by myself, physically positioning myself in prayer...


Well, it's just not happening right now.

But I'm pretty okay with that. Only because I KNOW my Heavenly Father is okay with it as well. Because I believe He understands, MORE THAN ANYONE, what my days look like.

BUT, that said...

Even though I can't physically position myself, I'm learning how to inwardly position my heart.

And man, if it hasn't been revealing in my lack of "steadfastness". and of my (in)ability to "Pray without ceasing..."

Okay, so there are daily chores that have to be accomplished, right? You know, in order to not run out of underwear. or dishes. or carpet space so as to be able to walk through a room.

In a house of 7 people, there's always something that needs to be done so we are able to accomplish the most basic things in life. There just seems to be no way around it.

I mean, sure I could forgo fixing lunch and washing towels, but do I really want to contend with ravenous, hygiene-deficient children? I think not. ;)


So what the Lord has been challenging me with? To do the things that Motherhood requires, but and to simultaneously set my heart and mind and focus on him in the midst of it.

As I'm washing clothes or vacuuming up yet another box of cereal that Alana dumped on the floor, I'm trying to SET my heart on him and INTENTIONALLY place my thoughts on praying.

Sounds easier than it really is. Seriously.

Because I'll be mid-sentence in prayer and suddenly my thoughts run off in a THOUSAND directions.

And I don't even realize what happened until 5 minutes later when it suddenly occurs to me that I'm thinking about wild monkeys in India when, just moments before, I WAS praying about the health of my children.

Thank the good Lord, he has an a-maz-ing sense of humor.

But, good news is, I'm getting better. I think the first time I tried to "pray without ceasing" amidst the daily ins and outs of life, I lasted all of 12.7 seconds before my thoughts strayed.

Now, I may very well be up to 24.5. *laughing*

But, being that I'm a Professional Mom and all, I'm all about applauding "baby steps". :D

Here's to reworking the way I define "Quiet Times" during this season in life when "inside voices" is as quiet as it gets.

Priorities...

These are mine.

...minus a cute, little newborn. and one studly man.

It's official. I'm not wonder woman.

I know, I know. Alert the media, right? But man, if the addition of this last little one has changed everything. My mindset. My priorities. My ability to get things done. My desire to even do certain things.


Maybe it's just because we have three girls aged 2 years and under? Or because I'm 33 years old and my body hasn't been quite as agreeable this postpartum? Or maybe I just have too much on my plate?

Whatever the reason, I think having 5 children is definitely more demanding than 4.

So yeah, whoever said going from 1 to 2 children is the hardest transition...never had more than two. ;)

Either way, I'm loving it... but am just not as apt to sit down and capture all that goes on in this house.


I'm too busy living it. because it'd break my heart if my girls, once grown, looked back on this time in their life and said, "Well, Mom was sure one heck of a blogger."

Seeds of vision

(picture taken April 2009)

The other morning during our worship time, Charis said, "Mommy...last night I was thinking about me being in Africa. I went to the leader of Africa and asked if the people (christian) could worship their God there....and he said Yes!"

Me: Did you dream that or were you just thinking about it?

"I was thinking about it; I think God gave me that thought." She pauses before looking up at me, with a huge smile of satisfaction on her face, and said, "It's pretty hard to stand up to him (African leader), huh?"

I believe that God speaks to our children. and I'm certain that He plants visions of purpose in their hearts long before they are old enough to carry them out.

I'm excited to see where this one leads...

Suck it up, Girl

"TOO EMOTIONAL"

As a woman having five daughters, I hear ALL. THE. TIME. how sorry people feel for me. how they're glad it's me and not them. and how they don't know if they'd be able to handle all the drama I'm bound to run into during their teen years.



(I'm sure it can be scientifically proven that Idiots are people who lack the ability to hear the words coming out of their own mouths. If a bonafide scientist happens to be reading this and wants to conduct a field study on this topic, I can totally refer you loads of people.)

Why people find it necessary to say this, I'll never know. Why some think its their duty to categorize the emotional part of women as something Less-Than, I just don't understand...

Years ago, I dated a guy who judged me harshly for any tears I cried. saying I was being dramatic. intentionally turning on the tears. and using them as manipulation. It took me YEARS before I let myself cry again. Yes, I'm serious.

Even as a young girl, I learned how to NOT let things bother me as deeply as they really did. It was a survival technique that I had to fine tune in order to emotionally survive certain things/people in my life. And yes, I remember being accused of using my tears as manipulation.

Media, television, and general conversations comment about girls being the emotional gender. A sentiment rarely spoken as a compliment, as it's usually accompanied with the whole "weaker sex" ideal.

It's a one-two punch to women everywhere: Emotional = Weak = BAD

I personally think the whole thing a recipe for disaster: A society who's leading its people to believe there's something completely WRONG and WEAK with crying/showing emotion. (all while desensitizing us with crap on the television. but that's another topic)

Excuse me while I shout *Give me a break, people!* because that's just not true; God designed us to feel and express and love deeply.

So the question I find myself asking is how to train five emotional daughters in a way that:

1. Allows them the freedom to feel the entire spectrum of emotions
2. To the DEPTH that God created them, as individuals, to feel it.
3. All while training them to not let their emotions run/ruin their lives.

Because I don't want to accidentally teach my girls that they should be ashamed of their emotions. or have to guard them at all costs, even to their detriment. or ignore any negative feelings that they have. ...all to avoid being considered "wrong" or "weak".

YET. I don't want to lead them into thinking that never have to temper their emotions OR that feelings should be their guide.

I'm finding the whole thing is a really really really fine line to walk.

At this stage in their lives, I'm trying to teach them the difference between whining and crying. And all I can say is God help me.

My hope is to show them that while there's truth to tears... whining, on the other hand, is lazy, self-centered, and unacceptable. But let's be honest, that's a hard concept to grasp, especially for overly tired mothers of five little girls no older than 7.

Do I know exactly how to do this yet? Nope. But I do know that one key aspect is for me to remember what it was like to be a little girl. Because what I, as an adult, consider a "legitimate" issue on the spectrum of "Deserves tears" will not always be the same thing that my girls consider legitimate crying material.

I.E: My oldest daughters sometime feel very overwhelmed when trying to learn a new math concept. Because,to them, it IS difficult and frustrating and therefore, emotional.

But to ME, as their homeschooling teacher, it's just plain annoying to have them burst into sobs/tears when a new school concept is being taught. (just keepin' it real here *grin*)

So I'm having to constantly remind myself that I can't always go by what my adult interpretation of whining vs crying is. And yes, I find myself going back and apologizing for those times when I wrongfully define their honest tears as immature whining.

*sigh*

I'm guessing that I'll frequently fail in this whole "teaching them about appropriate ways of showing negative emotions"....but I'm praying that I err on the side of grace, you know?

Because I never want to fault them for their tears. connect their sadness to deserving a guilt trip. or always insinuate that their honest feelings are being aimed to manipulate others.

I never want them to view the depth of their emotions as "too much". thinking that they're only acceptable when they are even-keel, never-phased, emotionless girls.

If nothing else is accomplished regarding my daughters and their deep range of emotions, I want to raise girls that:

• feel comfortable expressing themselves.
• celebrate the fact that God created them to feel deeply
• recognize that emotions are a gift, not a curse.
• know better than to allow others to force them into stuffing what they feel
  

I want to have girls-turned-women that are strong enough to let others know they feel deeply. trusting that as they mature, so will their understanding of crying vs. whining. as well as all the other complexities in the World of Emotion.

And though I want to keep leading them toward that place of maturity, I want even more to establish that they can trust me their sadness and pain and humiliation and....whatever other emotions some may deem excessive.

So to all those people who think my future is bleak because of my daughters' inevitable unstable emotions... I have to say that I'm actually looking forward to the time in life where I have five teens.

My home will never be dull. lacking in laughter. or paralyzed when it comes to expression or love.

And seriously, is that such a bad thing?

Miraculous healing

Some people think that miracles only happen in Third World Countries. But thankfully, God is on the move.

ALL Around the World.

Here's one story...my friend's miraculous testimony of the Lord healing her paralysis.

View Here.

Gracie

Christmas Day, the Lord gave us a gift.

Here's Toby inspecting said gift. He was just starting to get used to her presence.


This little cat, lovingly named Gracie by my daughters, has brought so much joy (and distraction) to our home today.


Though I have to say, we've been worried about her, as she went missing over the weekend. Not the best time for her absence, you know?

Charis went looking all around the house...calling for her...looking under the decks and porches... eventually coming back in crying, asking if I thought Gracie was dead too.

*sigh*

Thankfully she came "home" again today, after being MIA for four days. I've never been so happy to see a cat in all my life.

Suddenly "buy cat food" is on our things to do list.

Twisted Stomach

My gut reaction, when Toby suddenly died, was to ask "Do you think someone poisoned him?"

I don't know why I asked that. but nothing made sense during those first few hours, so my mind was spinning.

Then Jet was able to talk with our vet, who told him that they were fairly certain it was something called "Twisted Stomach".

I don't even want to write anything about it because it makes me cry. though I am glad to know that it wasn't foul play.

Ready or not...

(picture of burial taken ONLY because the girls asked me to)

Death came.

It's been one heck of a day. One where my girls went from sobbing... to "just fine"... back to sobbing... to questioning... to sad...and then back again.

Me? I stayed fairly constant... weepy.

Anytime you look at the face of death, it's not easy. But when you face it while holding the hand of a child, it's substantially harder.

Because the way that they learn to grieve, to handle loss, and to understand death is all based on how they see me doing those things. So today I made it a point to be as real as possible.

...I openly cried. and found them watching me and crying as well.

...I explained that some people grieve differently than others. To which Charis promptly and tearfully informed me that "Nothing you just said helped me. I'm. still. sad." (her honesty made me smile)

...I answered questions as honestly as I could, which I found only generated deeper questions from their hearts.

...I didn't pretend to know what I have no clue about: Do animals go to heaven? "I don't know, but if God did take animals to heaven, can you imagine what Toby'd be doing now?" ...and then we'd try to guess what fun things he'd be getting into.

...and I didn't question or correct their emotions, but tried my hardest to support their process of grieving. Whatever that had to look like for them.

Though I do have to say, at one point, I had to intervene because it was getting to a place where it was bordering unhealthy...

They had been (surprisingly) fine for the majority of the afternoon. But when it came time to get ready to go to my parents house to bury him, things started to heat up on the emotional front.

Charis started to rehearse, over and over again, how sad she was...throwing herself sobbing on the bed. To which Selah followed suit.

Um yeah, so much from learning the grieving process from ME. Who am I kidding? They have a posse of sisters who willingly volunteer to lead the way. *wry grin*

As I got the other girls ready, I could hear Charis and Selah in their room, their sobs getting louder and louder. Their wails of "Toby! Toby!" over and over again getting more and more intense. and I was honestly torn.

While I knew they were really upset, I also sensed they were experimenting with their grief levels. YET, I wanted to be really careful to NOT hover and define their grief for them. YET, I didn't want them to work themselves into a frenzy.

and believe me, they can.

Sure enough, when I walked in their room both were pretty much watching themselves in the mirror. sort of working off of each other and their reflection of open mouthed sobs.

God bless their hearts...it wasn't an easy day. For any of us.

What do you say to your child as they cry, "My life doesn't feel right without him!"?

What comfort do you really have to offer when your child cries, "But I want to be in heaven now. I want to see what heaven looks like. I want to see Jesus. I don't want to wait anymore."

......
On so many levels, emotions regarding this run deep for me.

We've had Toby since we got married. So Jet and I, as a couple, have never not had him. He's been a part of 'us"for over 8 years.

He's the reason that I've felt safe when Jet wasn't here. I knew, without doubt, no fool would walk into our house with The Beast present. :) He was my fierce protector, yet my daughter's cuddle bug.

It's surprised me how deeply I grieved...and almost embarrassed me. What adult sobs over a dog? ME!!

But on the flip side, I suppose it's been "good" for the girls to have an up close and personal introduction/understanding of death via a pet and not a person.

*sigh* Honestly I don't even know what to say. so here's just a few things I want to remember:

- Raegan stayed surprisingly levelheaded: "Why's everyone crying? Toby's dead, right?" "What's the matter guys?"

-Charis grieved hard and fast. Selah went deep and slow.

-Charis seemed to get closure by looking at Toby's body. Selah got more emotional.

-Both of the older girls had lots of questions about bodies and spirits and going to heaven.

-After burying Toby, Charis sad, "That was fun. I didn't even cry." ??



It's been a long day. From Jet waking me up to give me the news. to Selah sobbing herself to sleep.



I have a feeling the next few days will be a series of ups and downs. I'm just thankful that our hearts are anchored in The Rock. so even when our grief is all across the board, He holds us.

Sick to my stomach.

When we woke up this morning, our doberman lay dead.

and everything in me feels sick.



I wish I had had the chance to take a picture of him with all five of his little girls. I wish we had had the opportunity to get a doberman puppy before he died so that he could have helped to train him. I wish the Lord would raise him from the dead...

He was only 8. There was nothing, to our knowledge, that was wrong. So the whole just feels ...well, I just can't stop crying.


It may sound strange to say, but he was a huge part of our family. and of my heart.