This is pro'lly gonna be a long one. Being that I've been saving up blog material for a while now. as nursing a floppy-headed newborn doesn't lend itself to being a multitasking activity. At least not where two-handed typing is concerned.
**Additional Disclaimer: This rather long blog may and/or may not make sense. This Momma-Mia totally blanked on Raquel's middle name today. while on the phone. with an office. that kind of needed that little bit of information.
They told me I could call them back once I remembered. Yes. I'm serious.
Clearly BrainMatter is limited as I sit down to write.
And yeah, it's Kathleen by the way. ;) Raquel Kathleen. I've been chanting it all day.
That said, due to above disclaimers Management does not accept responsibility if the reading of said blog brings about confusion. headaches. unexplained tremors. or hunger due to sudden onset of boredom.
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What I used to be VS. The Present Reality as I know it:
- Then: Athletic
Now: Hmm. Athletic? Uh. Well, it took an obscene amount of muscle strength to push five babies out. That's gotta count for something, right? - Then: Public Speaker
Now: Asking my girlie masses "Does anyone need to go to the potty?" in the middle of Wal.mart totally qualifies as public speaking, doesn't it? Or is that just speaking in public?
Eh. Close enough. - Then: An integral part of a professional team.
Now: Well, if I look at the motto "There's no I in team"....then I have to say: Count me in! Because, by my calculations, the last time I had "me time" (yeah, that'd'a be going to the bathroom by myself) was close to a decade ago.
So by that definition, I'm still "team" material. - Then: Able to hold intelligent conversations that did not require me to simultaneously wipe someone's body part.
Now: Intelligent conversations? *laughing* Okay, so I may have to concede to remain lacking in this department for the time being.
... I'd briefly mentioned that there were things I wanted to change about ME this year. In fact, the list is rather long. Obnoxiously long.
Since Jet and I were married 8.5 years ago, I've changed a lot...some by choice. some by circumstances. some by default. But that's what you do in life, isn't it? You roll with it...and you embrace change.
That said, in a lot of ways, I'm completely unrecognizable compared to who I used to be. And I'm good with that. In fact, I'm hoping that this time next year I'll be unrecognizable yet again.
I have a list of things that I intend to set my mind on to intentionally change this year. Because, if I'm totally honest, there are moments where I just don't like who I've become...the WAY I walk out my being a wife and mother.
Sitting on the couch the other night, Jet asked me what I was thinking. Hmm. Dare I say it?
Eh. Why not? I'm still within the realm of the notorious "6 weeks postpartum" stretch. I mean, the man expects me to be a bit crazy, right?
So I look at him and say "Sometimes I just hate who I am."
There. Isn't that a doozy of a conversation starter? *wry grin*
He asked if there was anything he could do to help. But what do you say to that other than "Uh, No." ?
Because when all is said and done, it's ALL in how I perceive myself. whether or not I believe that I am, in some way, lacking. broken. or defective.
Don't get me wrong. I don't walk around with a dark cloud of "Self Loather" hovering overhead. I don't have issues with depression or anxiety or thoughts of suicide. I'm a relatively balanced person. (Zip it, oh Husband o' Mine)
But even then. I still have to acknowledge there are things I do. not. like. And totally intend to do something about.
So a couple of my New Years' "Resolutions" of sorts? (I'm only doing two...gotta creep back into this Blog thing slowly. Lactating-Brain can only handle so much.)
1. To not micro-manage my children.
When Charis was younger, I was really good about giving her ample opportunity to make decisions. You know, building the self-esteem and providing a needed outlet for that emerging "self" that can sometimes presents itself as Tantrum during the "Terrible Twos".
But add four children to that and this Momma lost some of her ability to let the kiddos roam freely in the Land of Decisions.
I rather prefer to be in control. Enter stage left: straight jackets. *rolling my eyes*
But my heart is to raise confident girls. to encourage creative thinking. and to give them the ability to tap into their own opinions.
Now grant it, being that the oldest is only 7 years old, the decisions I'm talking about rotate around the lesser things in life. but to the Littles, those things register as Big.
Bottom line, I've seen how my mouth intervenes far too often into those "smaller things" in their lives. and I've seen how it's effected them.
And I'm done with micro-managing. Done.
2. To stop Wishing Upon a Star, get off my booty, and make it happen.
I can't tell you how many times a day, I utter the words (inside my head anyway) "I wish..."
I wish all my pregnancy weight would just fall off *bam* like that.
I wish this book was finished.
I wish the house painting was completed.
I wish I could just ....
I wish such-and-such would happen...
It's a total waste of time. a horrible example for my children. and dead weight when it comes to how I'm being a partner to my husband.
Because if my energy is occupied wishing on a star, then there's no extra energy to expend on much of anything else.
I'm sorry, honey. I can't pray for you about X. I can't help you come up with a plan for Z. I'd much prefer to live in the land of Pretend. where the I-Dream-Of-Genie nose quiver reigns supreme.
So my "resolution"? to stop entertaining those thoughts and start pushing through the WORK that's going to bring about those wanted results.
I'm done with "wishful thinking". Done.
