I think you can handle it. If not, turn aside. This will not be the blog for you. But if you can handle a woman going emotionally bare, for the sake of documenting her journey with Christ, then hang on.
Because I'm thinking it's about to get ugly.
I've talked before about my faith walk with Christ: He asked me to believe for a pain-free delivery. I said Sure. I believed him...he provided. The four times I've walked that journey, while they've been a stretch, has always drawn me deeper into Him.
He's asked me to pray for people. To pray and believe Him for healing. So I did. And I've seen miraculous healings. Physical infirmities disappear before my eyes. A lame woman getting up and walking away for the first time in her life. Pains instantaneously leaving people's bodies.
He's allowed me to experience life inside the realm of the Spiritual. I've smelled things that weren't of this realm. seen things. felt things. heard things. All supernatural. All mind-boggling.
I know he exists. It's not a question I have to entertain. For I've seen too much to even begin to doubt that.
But one area where my heart still breaks...where my faith continues to waiver...where I feel He has continually let me down...is in the area of finances.
Essentially, I have faith for crazy, miraculous things to occur. as long as it doesn't involve my checkbook. Then, I just have a hard time holding out hope.
Now before you go all Pharisaical on me, know that I don't mean to imply that he owes me anything. If all he did was save me from my sins and promise me a life in Eternity with Him, that would be enough.
I know that when I accepted Him as my Savior, I was not promised an easy life. A life without trial or struggle or opposition. I know that when I signed on to be a Christian, I was, essentially, signing a blank contract.
An agreement that metaphorically said that though I didn't know what the future held, I would trust that to Him. and Him alone.
Okay? So I know this. And I willingly follow Him. I love him. I will serve Him. I will trust him. Even if it is by choice...without constant proof of His intervention in my life.
Yet
The arena of finances leaves me wondering so much. Because it is in that place where he continually gives us detailed promises regarding what's to come. Promises that literally number in the dozens. Promises that remain unfulfilled.
He has given me more financial promises that any other promise I've ever heard from him.
Prophetic words about finances given to us by people who had no idea that their exact words were mirroring what the Lord had already spoken weeks earlier. Dreams that spell out the financial abundance that is to come. An angel that loudly proclaimed it to me (in a dream). And personal words spoken from His heart to mine during the random times of my day. Time and time again.
Even after delivering Alana and having a supernatural birth, the Lord didn't skip a beat. He challenged me to up my faith and believe him in the area of financial provision. knowing full well the massive battle of trust this would be for me.
Bottom line: He's promised us for the last seven years that we'd be blessed beyond measure financially. And while I truly don't care about amassing wealth, what gets me is we're experiencing the exact opposite. A place where we're not sure how we're even going to be able to pay some bills.
And it's in this place that my heart before God is so fragile. A place where I inwardly ask:
"Lord? Do you not see? Do you not have compassion? What are you asking of me? How am I to release your promise? Is there something I need to be doing to call it forth? Because honestly, I feel I've exhausted my every outlet. And I need you to move."
That said, I have a hard time when I hear people saying "Praise Jesus! He always provides." or "You can't out give God."
Because this is not a phenomenon that we've experienced. We've given away half of our money for missions at one point. Only to have the IRS mistakenly clean our the rest of our money, without our knowledge. Putting us in the red until they finally agreed to fix their error.
We've given away very expensive things...to people who needed it...just because he told us to. Even when that meant us going without. in our own need. Etc Etc etc
We continue to tithe, knowing that may very well cause us to be late on some bills.
Do I say this to pat myself on the back? NO. I say it because it's truth. and because it truly baffles me to no end. For scripture says
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows." Malachi 3:10
For years we've blindly trusted. Given him ample opportunity to intervene and open up the windows of heaven. only to see the exact opposite manifest in our lives. despite the fact that Christ continually promises something completely different.
And it breaks my heart. because it causes me to question the heart of God.
I say all of this because despite my emotions ....despite my desire to scream and shout WHY to the heavens, I am choosing to believe. I'm forcing myself to hold on for just a little while longer. I'm needing to be faithful in pressing in for that. in believing that He could and may intervene at any point...
On January 5th, the Lord whispered something to my heart over and over again throughout the day: "Three weeks." And in my spirit, I felt I was to expect something to change, to happen in the next three week time span.
Even now, my saying that...my writing it for the world to see... Man, it scares me. and drives me to exhausted tears.
Because part of me says, "God I can't do this anymore. I can't put it out there. Only to have you, for whatever reason, decide to hold off for another year. or three. ...And what if I'm totally off? What if I'm hearing something that I want to hear? What then? Or what if your version of an answer doesn't fit what I'm expecting? or something that I'm even able to see in this realm? What then?"
Last Friday, I could feel a battle waging over my mind. over my ability to trust. And all I could do was sit myself down in the middle of the floor, amidst my daughters running around and playing, and pray.
Honestly, my prayer probably consisted of no more than one word: "Lord?" But I laid my heart bare before him. And then got up and walked away, trying to not think about all that weighs on my heart.
The Ugly Facts:
-The day after God whispered three weeks, a policeman came to my door at 7:30AM. Taping a judgement (or whatever they call it) saying that I have to be in court because we haven't paid our hospital bill in full yet (we'd been paying it in small increments...there's $500 left). And while we've been trying to work with the hospital for the last forever, they turned us over to collections. Saying they weren't responsible to handle it anymore.
Okay God. Day One. Not looking so good.
-Then our truck went due for inspection. It needs four new tires. Tires that we cannot at this time (with all that is up in the air) afford to pay. So we're officially becoming a one car family.
Okay God. Day Two. Not looking so good.
-Our laptop starts making horrible sounds. It appears to be dying. I'm wondering if it will last more a few more days.
Um God? Day Three. Still...not looking so good.
-Jet still trying to work with the hospital was finally told that we didn't qualify for any of the assistance they offer. This was after our being told that it looked like we would. This was a major blow.
Okay, God. Day Four. Starting to feel a bit nauseous here.
-Then, I went to the mailbox and pulled out an electric bill that read over $600. Knocked the wind out of me. I honestly don't see how that could possibly be anywhere close to correct. But now the ball is in our court to prove the town is wrong.
Okay, God...it's been five days. And seriously? Not looking so good.
-Then Days 6 and 7 are girls were sick. And today (Day 8)...our septic system has obviously begun to get backed up. overflowing into a corner of our yard. This has happened before. It's the town's fault. Their issue. They just have never fixed it correctly.
So as all this twirls around in my head, I struggle. Trying to keep my emotions at bay. to keep my heart in the right attitude before God. to just remain in a place where I'm not completely undone.
And the Lord gently spoke, "Can you hold on for three more weeks?"
I called Jet, crying. Telling him what I felt the Lord said. Exposing the part of my heart that says, "What if three weeks come and goes and nothing concrete has changed? What then?"
...
And there you have it. Christin Unplugged. Raw. Exposed. and completely Vulnerable before the Throne of Heaven. and the judgement of readers.
Here I am. NOT standing in victory over this territory. honestly a little annoyed that I'm still having to fight this battle, holding onto promises that feel like a slap in my face. and way past tired and emotionally drained.
Yet. I hold on. for at least three more weeks. Choosing to trust. Choosing to believe, despite present realities, that He will intervene. that He will move in a way that turns present circumstances into something He foretold.
I document because I want to share "The whole truth. and nothing but the truth."
I document because I'm expecting the ending to be better than its beginning. And what's a miracle story if you don't know the downside? Nothing but a convenient praise of the Lord made public only after the hard part has been walked through.
I want to publicly worship him even though the hard part is all I currently know.
I choose to worship him. Because He's God. I'm not. and it's all I have to offer: My choice. My lack. My weakness.
