A few friends of mine have recently emailed me asking what advice I'd give them regarding motherhood. Some are expecting their first babies. Others their second child.
First off let me say that I'm quite assured that simply having children doesn't qualify anyone to dole out parental advice like we've "arrived" at Omnipotent Knowledge! If anything, the more children I have, the more I realize the depths of my cluelessness outside of God's grace.
But because you asked, I'll try to write up a few of the things that have helped me.
**WARNING: This is a personal opinion. If some readers don't agree, no sweat. I'll just promise not to parent your children. Agreed? :)
1. Though it is very tempting to start digesting everything written on babies and their tendencies, I'd try not to. For this simple reason alone. It may very well give you indigestion.
Every baby is different. Thus, there's no set formula. Just as you cannot compare your pregnancy to some rigid rules of what definitely will or will not happen, the same goes with your growing child. There cannot be a stringent "normal". Every child has their own inner clock when it comes to each mile marker: when they roll over, walk, talk, etc. and how well they preform each task.
That said, my oldest child couldn't say the "L" sound until she was 5 years old. My youngest? She's been saying it since she was 12 months old. Who knows why. It's just one of the many ways they are different. BUT...
Had Charis been my third child (following behind two sisters who said the "L" sound beautifully from early on), I may've been tempted to think she had some sort of speech problem (and consequently cause her to think she had a problem). But bottom line, she didn't. Either her mouth/palate needed to develop further or her brain was too preoccupied with other learning pursuits. All I know is that in the end everything's panned out.
So just try not to obsess over the developmental details. especially just because your child doesn't do what your best friend's child does.
2. On that note, do NOT compare your mothering style to another's. This is a Pit that houses the world of emotions known as self-pity, self-hatred, pride, judgement, jealousy, anxiety, depression,... You get the point.
Take it from me, it's a bad place. A no-man's land. For in this pit, there is just enough space for one. Isolating and imprisoning you, no matter where you feel you rank on the scale of things.
Every mother has her own "way." And what parenting style (disciple comes to mind) may work for one child may very well fall flat for another child. It's called the need to rely on Heavenly Wisdom.
And know what I've found? I have to constantly reevaluate my parenting for each child with each new phase that individual child goes through. Because it's not only a matter of saying that what I did for Charis's baby stage does not work for Raegan's baby stage. It's also the fact that what I did with Charis last year, no longer works for Charis this year.
Parenthood. The God-ordained ever-evolving adventure that drives you to your knees. So pray. Lots.
3. My children (and me!) tend to like schedules/boundaries. My Littles feel better knowing what's coming so they can emotionally prepare.
One way I would help my younger children ward off emotional outbursts was giving them plenty of warning when a "change" was coming. Like when preparing to leave a playdate. or going to bed. basically anything that would call for them to stop what they're doing in order to switch to something else. (which can be very unsettling to little ones)
Like: "Okay, Charis...you're going to go to bed in about 20 minutes. Alright? So just a little more time to play." And then I'd warn her again and again and again until it's finally time to say "Alright, CareBear. It's bedtime now."
By then she was emotionally ready and thus, usually willing to comply. And then we'd go through her bedtime routine to help her body and mind winddown.
For bedtime, we've used a noise maker of some kind while they sleep. Either a CD of instrumental music playing softly...or a white noise maker (can be bought at WalMart...or turn a fan on high) that drowns out the other sounds in the house. What has made this especially successful for us is that it's portable. So we can take it wherever we go, bringing with us a familiar sleeping atmosphere.
4. But as far as schedules go, I never knocked myself out trying to get my newborns on a stringent one. I realize that some parents need to based on working outside of the home and keeping their sanity in place. Or people who have twins and need to juggle two infants' demands at once! (Hey, Suz! *wink*) But because I have always been at home with my infant, I had the freedom to let them show me what their preferred schedule was. as it evolved. You know, like when they were hungry. When they were tired...
Then after writing down what the baby did for a week or so, I'd start to see a pattern emerge that I could reinforce. Like putting them down at the same time everyday or at least at the same time intervals every day (ie. an hour after eating lunch, etc). This has worked amazingly well for all three of our littles ones so far.
5. Don't be afraid to let your child cry it out at bedtime. Eventually they do stop. And ideally, they learn to self-comfort and self-entertain.
I remember my first child would cry for well over an hour at times. But once she "got it' that I wasn't coming back, she would put herself to sleep. And eventually she'd ask to go to bed and wouldn't cry at all. (that said, hang in there! it is worth it in the end).
The timeframe that I start doing this whole cry-it-out theme honestly depends on my sanity level at the time and the child's personality. Though I know that I had to work myself up to the place where I could just let them cry for long spurts of time. Meaning, I'd let them cry for 5 minutes. Then 10 minutes the next time. Etc. Some say this is to help the baby...for me, it's to build MY "immunity" towards their pitiful cry.
My plan with Raegan once Alana is born? To continue putting her down for TWO naps even if, by that time, she thinks she's ready to give up one. My logic? She still needs some downtime away from her sisters. As well as me needing some away time from her. A little give and take goes a long ways in the happiness of momma! :)
Plus, it doesn't hurt her. If anything it's teaching her to be content without constant entertainment (two older sisters and an ever-present mommy).
Even as I type this, I can hear her in her crib talking and playing by herself before going to sleep. (when she's old enough to start interacting with toys, I have a hardback book and a couple of toys in her bed to help in the whole entertaining theme).
6. Speaking of cribs... I wouldn't recommend putting your young child in his/her bed for TimeOut.
Some people do this because it ensures the child cannot leave their naughty spot. But I never have and most likely never will. (unless my parenting has to drastically change based on the personality of a child I'm yet to meet???).
In my mind, a bed is a place of rest. a place where you are supposed to feel safe, protected, and peaceful so that sleep can come. I'm thinking that if the child spends excessive amounts of time in their bed screaming because they've been bad and are emotionally keyed up and angry...the brain may very well program itself to have a hard time relaxing when it IS time to sleep in the crib.
Uh...I'm thinking that's all I got right now. But rest assured, I truly believe that the Lord gives Moms (and dads) a Heavenly Download when Baby is born. And though lots of counsel is wonderful and amazing and helpful, God designed you and your spouse to be the parent and therefore will equip you to THE best parent that little one.
