Here I am. Exactly where I wanted to be, as I am on the way to having a large family with lots of "stair step" kids. I've wanted this since my high school years. Well, at least the "stair step" part. The "lots" didn't come until later.
You see, I love everything about this concept of large families. I love watching others who have gone before and now have tons of older children. ...children who love family life. who sit around the dinner table way past the time when the plates have been cleared away just so they can chat. who stand by each other through thick and thin. who have deep relationships that will last them the entirety of their days on earth.
Maybe some would think that I have a skewed idea of what a large family is like? Possibly. But I have met many large families like this. I've seen it up close and personal. In fact, what Jet and I have found to be consistently true is that the larger a family is, the less self-absorbed the children tend to be. And the more tight-knit the family is, as a whole. Anyway, just an observation.
But as I find myself standing in this place, trying desperately to find some sort of footing as I battle the fatigue and nausea of pregnancy and the normal "reevaluation" of parenting that seems to come with every new stage your children go through... I just have to ask, "God, am I going to be able to keep my arms open to receive all your blessings for us?"
Sounds completely ridiculous when worded like that, doesn't it? Who wouldn't want to receive a BLESSING from the King of Kings? Stand back. Out of my way. I'm running for the heavenly storehouses here.
But when you interchange the word "blessings" for "children", somehow the desire to cut it off sounds more like wisdom. Why is that?
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not finger-pointing. Or judging. Nor do I have the time or energy to hold anyone's hand and make sure that their security and confidence in their own life choices remains intact while I voice my inner questions and thoughts.
Sorry if that sounds harsh to you...but I just have to be clear here. My intent is not to make any sweeping judgements. My heart is to truly grapple with something that continues to remain on MY heart. You know, being that I am pregnant with my fourth and therefore hitting the number where most people and their comments will cease to be gracious towards my having additional children. *laughing*
So anyway...as I roll these thoughts around in my head, this scripture continues to push its way to the forefront of my mind.
"Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior so are children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them..." Psalm 127:3-5
I've turned and turned this scripture around in my head. Trying to come to terms with it in my own life. And if I am to take that scripture at face value, then I can only come to the conclusion that if God wants to give me lots of children, He sees it as nothing less than a reward. a heritage. a great joy.
A bow without arrows is useless. The more arrows you have, the longer you can maintain the fight. Jet and I never want to go out into battle lacking in ammunition. Period. Nor do we want to cut off the Lord's blessing. his provision. his overflowing heart for us. We want to stand before Him, completely yielded to His Plan. BUT....?
I find at this point in my thoughts I can go into a hundred different directions. My questions. My frustrations. My excitement. My dreams. My fears. My comfort zone! All surrounding the idea of allowing the Lord to bless me with this "joy-filled reward, this Godly heritage".
This house full of children.
But honestly, I can't bring myself to step out in any of those emotion-laden directions. Not yet. For in this day, I want to just rejoice in the fact that I am carrying a small, mysterious blessing inside me. At least that's the hope. Because I do have questions. Lots of them.
But after acknowledging them, I now see that I have to choose not to analyze them to death. Which, for me, is near-impossible. ;)
Because when it comes down to it, I have no clue what tomorrow holds. Even though people continually ask me "Is this it?" regarding the size of my family. I hope it's not "it". But, like I said, I truly don't know what God has in store for us.
But this I do know:
I can't strategically fight my part of a battle that is not be played out right now. with the grace that has been set aside for another time. All I can do is keep my heart yielded before Him, allowing Him to be The King.
Lord, I want to have my feet firmly planted in the now. Fully embracing this joyful reward and Godly heritage that You have blessed us with. Knowing that I'm not only where I want to be on this journey of becoming a "large family", but I'm where YOU want me to be as well.
That said, I know that YOU will remain in the upright position while possessing this spot. Even when I have to lie down and rest.
11 comments:
Your pregnant self is pondering deep thoughts, friend. :)
OK, now I've typed and backspaced and pondered my comments for about 5 minutes. Soooo.... I just pray for grace for you to continue to trust and take one day at a time and one child at a time!
Great post friend. I just did a post on family planning. I mentioned that 3 friends I have put total trust in God for their family size... and they all have 2 kids. My point is... when we trust Him fully... he decides what we can and can't handle. Right now you are sick and battling m/s... of course you are wondering if you can handle all of this! But, you will and eventually this too will pass.
I think with each child we have or adopt we too have these exact same thoughts/fears/worries/questions. Even now being pregnant with number 8 I wonder how will our family change. I wonder how I will keep up. I remember wondering this as I got off the plane with my Russia beauties only to discover I was also pregnant. We went from 4 to 7 in a year. WHEW! Talk about crazy and talk about wondering if I could actually handle it. But here I am waiting for 8 and 9.
I 2nd Javamamma... one day at a time and one child at a time.
I know you remember my comments after H was born, and now hmmm? #4, not such a crazy idea anymore. Hang on, the 2nd trimester glory days will soon be here. :)
WOW Awesome writings, Thank you for the reminder of my joys.
Well, I'm only pregnant with number 2 and I am overcome with wonder about how exactly WE will manage two blessings! I have never been so retrospective and introspective and evaluative in my life. I'm sorry, this is probably not helping. All I have to say is, I sort of understand what you're going through. Also, I don't think you have a skewed idea of large families. Of course there are ups and downs, but isn't that how it is in all long-term super-close relationships? I think your dream hours of chatting at the dining room table with a group of kids will come true!
I agree with javamama
one step at a time...one child at a time...
God's grace will meet you at every step.
I have no doubt that children are a gift...a reward.
and then there is always the cliche
"Where God guides,he will provide"
I really wanted God to close my womd instead of have "the procedure"
I am still hurting inside... My husband did not this this view... so i am trusting every day.
Great post, Christin. I can identify with so much of what you've written. Pondering many of these things ourselves these days. Pray for me & I'll pray for you. ;-)
Beautiful.
Why is it people ask, "is this it?"
Now that we're going from four to six kids in two weeks, I still get that look.
That, "Is this it?"
My answer. I don't know. I hope not:)
i love your real thoughts and questions.......pregnant this last time with my third i found myself thinking a lot along a similar line.....especially with comments people make, etc.....i, too, desire a big family, although i'm not sure what that means.....right now i have faith for 4 or 5.....one thing that i have felt lately is that it takes hearing and seeking the Lord along the way....i hear some people say "well, God can close the womb if he wants to" while using no birth control, and i hear others say "well, God can open my womb if he wants to" while using birth control.....i think there must be more personal way to make the decision....like talking to and with God about it and truly asking His input....anyway, those are my ramblings.....and i liked your "i'm not gonna hold your hand" comment....very appropriate when posting on a subject like this....:) blessings to you as you and jet figure this out with the Lord :)
this quote here is why I love you my friend:
Nor do I have the time or energy to hold anyone's hand and make sure that their security and confidence in their own life choices remains intact while I voice my inner questions and thoughts.
UMMMM...I can I steal that?
;)
Loving some Christin go at the deep thoughts again kinda time!
Christin,
We've got baby #4 on the way also, and your post resonates clearly with this tired Momma... love the concept of a large family... but the reality right now feels like years of more hard work, varicose veins and sleep-disrupted nights. Oh, and... baby snuggles and toddler kisses and little child squeezes and growing child joys... not to mention more opportunity to raise a generation for Christ's kingdom. I need your post today to help my own perspective. We're due Aug 1st, BTW. When is your baby due?
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