Birthin' Babies

“I don’t know nothing about birthin’ no babies, Miz Scarlett...!" quote from Gone with the Wind.

Can you envision the above scene where the quote is spoken out in horror and fear? I so can! Milly is lying on the bed, writhing in agony. There is no doctor. No midwife. No one with half a clue. Just two ignorant women.

And honestly, the whole thing cracks me up. It's supposed to. That's why we all remember it. Because it's dramatic and comical. Inexperienced women aiding an inexperienced, expectant mother. Without the help of a trained man. The nerve. ;)

Yet.

Somehow this becomes the view that I take on when I talk...or even think... in a way that demands a final decision about homebirth. I feel inept. ridiculous. backwoods and backwards. Somewhat akin to living in a tent. eating raw meat. and choosing to take out my own appendix...with a butter knife.

I know, I know. Graphic. But I'm just going by the reactions I've sometimes gotten when discussing this topic. Like I've lost my mind. ;)

.....Yes. I've YET to make a final call about homebirthing. I remain straddling the line. Unable to fully embrace one way or the other. I hate this place. The indecision. The frustration. The inability to make a stinkin' decision.

But a trusted midwife (she's associated with a doctor and hospital and doesn't do homebirths)said something to me last week that kicked the whole decision-making process in the gut...

When planning my first OB appointment, I intentionally set it up with one of the midwives that I most respected. I knew I could professionally approach her about my concerns over the way my last (hospital) birth was handled. and also talk over the scenerio of a homebirth. Especially since one of my friends informed me that this midwife's daughter that had tried a homebirth many states away. (Due to complications, she had to be transferred to a local hospital for a c-section.)

This particular midwife delivered my firstborn. I worked in an office with her years ago when she was associated with another OB doctor. And I know she has three daughters around my age. So I knew her to be someone I could approach both as a professional...and as a mother-type.

We talked for quite a while. Actually she talked for a while. :) And though she was not against a homebirth...and did not think me to have lost my mind with my considering it...she also did not seem too hip on the idea.

And then she said something that knocked the wind from me: "I think you'd be a great candidate for a home birth. But unfortunately, I do not trust any of the (home birthing) midwives from around here."

I could physically feel my shoulders sag. A midwife that I completely trust and appreciate cannot, in good faith, recommend a single, solitary active midwife in the area. Are you kidding me?!!! I knew that was a hard thing for her to tell me. Yet I wanted to know what she really thought. Thankfully though, she did tell me of one that she had heard about from across the mountain who sounded trustworthy... (which I am looking into)

But then, she offered me something. A curveball to my well-planned thinking. It was flattering and relieving and completely emotionally complicating.

She said that, for me, she would be "on call". Meaning that when I went into labor, even if she wasn't the one (of five partnered midwives) that was on call...she would be. for me.

Because, honestly, one of my fears has been that I would have the same midwife from last time and my body would involuntarily go into "stress mode" making the whole delivery thing that much more emotionally tiring.

What. To. Do.

I don't want to be motivated by fear. Period. But I admit, I am battling it when it comes to taking this step of faith. ...this step that goes against what most would call the only sane and responsible decision. The "What ifs" resound in my head.


But I have to silence them. Soon. For a decision HAS to be made. ALLLLLLL the many factors (insurance, my comfort level, my girls wanting to be involved in the birth, wisdom...) HAVE to be weighed. And yet, then "forgotten"...

...as I wait for the still small voice of the Lord to direct us. Whether by an unshakable peace. A clear answer. Something.

So here I am. Weighing the options. Waiting for direction. Still.