When I lost Asher (@4 mo. preg), this picture really ministered to me.No, I don't think that my children are now angels. But just the thought of my baby being cradled when I was unable to filled me with peace. I stared at this picture. taped it to my computer. carried it around with me.
Now, over the past few years, I have lost three children to miscarriage. And there are times when I look at our family and feel like children are missing. So though I've yet to meet them this side of heaven, I love them. I miss them. And I feel, as a mother, almost incomplete without them... You need to know this before I can tell you a story.
Not too long back, I was walking on the treadmill when the Lord asked me a rather odd question. One that shook me to my very core.
"Would you trade your three daughters for the three children in heaven that you don't know?"
What?!
The thought so struck me that I started to cry on the spot. Because no, I'd never want to NOT have Charis, Selah, or Raegan. Knowing those three little girls is joy indescribable. They are precious in and out. Yet I DO desire to know and experience the personalities of my other three children.
For I love them. Seren. Jordan. Asher. At least the idea of them because I obviously don't know them in the way I know the three I've birthed and held. But regardless, they are mine. I carried them. I heard heartbeats. I felt kicks. I had dreams for each and every one of them. So they are very real in my heart...and in the realm of heaven.
But what if it had been Charis, Selah, and Raegan that I lost? I never would have known of their sweetness had I lost them instead. So what would life be like had things been different? On and on my thoughts raced as I silently processed this Random Question.
And truly, I have a hard time putting them into words. For, at the time, I had a hard time grasping them with my mind.
But I do remember that the Lord interrupted my thoughts and said, "Is your love for them (the "unknown" children) deep enough that you are willing to sacrifice that which you do know and love (my 3 girls)... so that you can experience your 'heavenly babies' instead?"
My heart broke because I couldn't bring myself to even form an answer. While I'm assuming that knowing the 'heavely babies' would be amazing, I can't make sense of giving up what I do know for something else. For something that only holds promise, but doesn't, at this time, manifest it.
And it became obvious to me that THAT was/is what He was asking me. The heart of it was not to ask if I was willing to swap children for children. But to open up my spirit in the deepest way possible...by inquiring of my love for my children...so that I coul better understand true sacrifice.
Essentially he was asking me:
Is my love for Him...for the unknown plans that He has in store for me... greater than the love I hold for the things that I do know? for my current circumstance's reality? AM I willing to sacrifice that which I know for that which He has planned in secret? Do I TRUST Him to fill my life with unimaginable blessings as I willingly surrender my life as I know it?
"He who loses his life will find it."
"He who loses his life will find it."
It's always been such a "normal" scripture to me. Sure. I lose my life. I die to self...to my desires...to my flesh in order to one day live in paradise with Him. But I think it's more than that. It's more than just ending up in heaven at the end of my life.
When the disciples asked God to teach them how to pray. He prayed this: Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Because He desires for us to live DEEP, RICH lives here on earth. In the NOW. And though I don't know the fullness of that reality YET, I do know that I love the IDEA of it.
So I have to ask myself: AM I holding too tightly to the things that I know? to the things that my limited knowledge understands? that my arms can physically embrace? and in the process missing out on getting to know the things that God has stored up for me in heaven? ...and is waiting to release here on earth?
I KNOW that God isn't asking me to give up my children, but rather to embrace His unknown for me.
I have to make that clear to anyone reading this. And I don't even know if this even made sense to anyone besides me. But I had to document it. Because in that moment, the Presence of God was so profound and so tangible that I know He was very serious about the question...about the heart issue behind it. And writing helps me to process...
I have to make that clear to anyone reading this. And I don't even know if this even made sense to anyone besides me. But I had to document it. Because in that moment, the Presence of God was so profound and so tangible that I know He was very serious about the question...about the heart issue behind it. And writing helps me to process...
Now, to embrace "losing my life"...trading what I know for what only He knows...so I may find *life* in Him.
10 comments:
WOW, what a thought provoking post! Even though you shared this with me before it still stirs things in my spirit. Lord help us to "Trade Up" and not be content with our current level of relationship with Him.
Great post. God really spoke to you and you really got it. Cool!
oh...this kind of stuff is hitting more and more home to me lately....can you "let go" of what you see and have "made" and become attached to and even think you NEED to feel safe or accepted or loved on earth and trust that MY kingdom can usher in something beyond your imagination?
whew...the daily removal of one white knuckle at a time...THAT is the daily death isnt it?
GREAT thoughts...whew...GOD is really got something up His sleeve to be going for the "jugular" of your precious ones...:o)
This makes a lot of sense to me, and I appreciate your application of it. I "thought" you were going in the direction of God giving up His KNOWN Son for the UNKNOWN of whether or not we would decide to follow Him and be His children...but you went in another direction, and I love it.
As always, thanks for sharing your heart!
Oh girl. This was so on my mind this week (my Breathe chapter)...how I focus so much on storing up earthly treasures and forget that my real treasures are to be stored up in heaven. More and more He is calling me to focus on HIM and His power and plan. Thank you for sharing this so honestly.
I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I have never gone through that, but stood by friends as they did and it is so hard. Thanks for sharing such a difficult experience.
How often do I think... "If ______ wouldn't have happend, then _______ wouldn't have happend" and although I cannot understand his ways...I can surely rest assured that his plan is for good.
When I met Sean we rushed into a mature relationship very quickly. We were 18, he wasn't saved and I became pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I was in the ER with severe abdominal pain, so there was a chance that I was having an etopic pregnancy. While we were in the ER I asked him to pray for our baby together and he obliged solemnly. We prayed together for the health of a baby that we didn't know existed only minutes earlier, and thankfully God showed himself to Sean. As it turned out the baby(later to be found out babies) were fine, I had an infection and Sean accepted Christ three days later while talking with our pastor in his office. So...if I wasn't pregnant, would Sean have accepted Christ? I don't know...but I do know that God's hand was in control and there was pain involved there. Not the kind of pain that involves a loss but the kind of pain that requires humbly coming to the Lord to ask for forgiveness. And there is such freedom in that place.
I thank you for sharing your heart, and I share with you the excitement of learning about children who are waiting! Just imagine the celebration there will be when those arms who have longed to hold the babes will get their chances.
Blessings to you on this Thanksgiving eve!
Erin
I have 5 little ones waiting for me in Heaven. I cannot wait to meet them. Thank you fo reminding me that God's plans are so not ours...
This post speaks to me. You wrote "AM I holding too tightly to the things that I know? to the things that my limited knowledge understands? that my arms can physically embrace? and in the process missing out on getting to know the things that God has stored up for me in heaven? ...and is waiting to release here on earth?"
God has said these same things to me. I broke into tears as I read that paragraph because it brought such a confirmation of what he has been saying. THANK YOU for sharing. ~Karlie
I couldn't finish reading this post without crying. I've never experienced a miscarriage. I can't imagine the feelings you must have. When I put myself in your place...well, I'm crying for you. Yet rejoicing in the future you have and knowing that God is ministering to you through the pain and giving you a hope. Make sense?
Thank you for sharing your spirit and conversations with God. I love it and appreciate the realness.
Wow! This is my first visit to your blog. That was so good and such a faith builder. It is so good to hear from the Lord, when we are willing to listen. He is an amazing God who wants to do amazing things to bring Himself glory and we are blessed enough to be partakers...humbling.
:>Michelle
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/seekingjesusnteachingkids/
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