Imperfect parenting

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

There are seasons where my heart cries out with this type of feverish prayer almost daily. The times where I look around at the three little ones flanking me and wonder "Surely there are laws against clueless people becoming parents?!" For I feel like I'm failing. not doing it good enough. wasting precious time.

All those emotions are evoked at one concept: Motherhood. At times I almost feel crushed beneath the weight of the word and all it represents... all I feel I'm not getting right.

I must. I should. I have to. I had better. I need to. The list of mental "shouldas" goes on and on.... Until I am ready to put my hands up in the air and scream "I've failed, Lord. And I haven't even begun to start."

I feel overwhelmed and useless and inept simply because I am unavoidably incapable of finding balance within myself to accomplish all that lay before me. Teaching potty training, right from wrong, ABCs and 123s. Developing the mind, the body, the taste buds, the attitude. Building confidence, memories, and a strong sense of conviction. Modeling the type of life that I want my girls to live. One that I'm not sure, at times, that I live up to.

Meandering through the endless lists of "possibilities" out there for a Christian mom raising kids these days. All the while trying to keep my head above water as far as my own identity is concerned. Relationship with Christ. my husband. my family. my friends. myself. All within the parameters of 24 hours.

It's easy to get lazy. purposeless. indifferent.

So easy to just look around and see what others are doing. How other parents are getting by in the whole jungle of effective parenting. How we, as parents, should school them. discipline them. church them. nurture their spirits. their talents. their hearts. their individuality.

"Other's methods" in both parenting and homeschooling can so easily can become my goal. my gain. my god. What worked for them will surely work for me. I will succeed because I am doing it "right".

But I find that "other's ways" cannot be what I adopt. For it can soon become the enemy. Taunting me when I fall off track with "their" way of doing it. My children don't respond as theirs do. My children are not wired like theirs are. I am not wired like that. So expectations and forced schedules go out the window. As well as my sanity.

I mess up. I lose my patience. I say the wrong thing. I say the right thing at the wrong time. I crush their tender spirit instead of their wrong habit. And I pause amidst the daily ins and outs of motherhood and think, "Surely I'm not mature enough to be a mom. There must be some mistake. For I remember looking at my mom and thinking 'she has it all figured out. she's got it all under control.' " And I, sadly...do not.

And then from the gentle Throne of Grace comes the words,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing and refreshment..."

My calling as a parent or as a teacher isn't to "get it right". Just as that cannot be my goal as a person. For I fear I may never qualify. There are some days where I'd be dubbed "incompetent" before even getting out of bed. I fail, on some level, everyday.

At least, in my mind I do. Especially against the societal backdrop of accommodating the child. Meeting not only their every need, but their every whim. To have a child who excels, she must be involved in, but not limited to: piano recitals, debate lessons, chess matches, ballet classes, gymnastic meets, soccer tournaments, beauty contests, swim meets, 4-H clubs, ...and all before they're 5 years old.

What happened to just letting them use their imagination? It's free. Which is in stark contrast to all the above activities. But ...I digress.

So on the days where I am unable to just sit, play, and entertain them extensively...I feel guilty because somehow I "failed" them. I've stunted their potential. I've cut off their creative outlet. I've robbed them off utilizing their budding talents. At least according to the new line of parenting thinking.

But I have to renew my mind. Daily. And remind myself that my focus needs to be on the Lord and His wisdom and mercy. Especially where parenting is concerned. For if I get all caught up in our society's "needs" regarding how to rear well-rounded children, I'll either go crazy ...or bankrupt.

No, my calling as a parent has to be focused on loving them. holding them. cherishing them. training them up in the ways of the Lord. First by example... and then with words. To create in them the insatiable desire to know him. to walk with him. to love him. (Prov. 22:6)

Yet as simple as it all sounds. That can be the hardest thing to BE on a daily basis. A Godly example. A Godly reflection of the Father's heart for them. But it is what I hope to be. am called to be. strive to attain. All as I *embrace* this season of child-rearing.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

I am weak, Lord. But you are Strong. Teach me how to teach these little ones. As I cradle them during this short season of life...please cradle me. For You are the Perfect Parent.