Guilt. An out-dated garment.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty. We all know what it is. We all know how it works.

But for some reason, the realm of Motherhood does not seem to so easily embrace this philosophy. Instead Moms of all ages seem to carry with them a different mantra: Guilty Until Proven Innocent.

I can't tell you how many defeated women I've talked to...or how many of my own personal struggles that I wage...revolving around Guilt. It, seemingly, is the hinge on which our motherly emotions can sometimes turn.

"I'm not doing enough. I need to do more."

"I'm told I should be focusing more on ministry outside of my home but I don't have the energy to do more than what I'm doing inside the home for my family. Isn't ministering to my family good enough?"

"I should be working. Bringing in money to help in our finances. My husband does too much already."

"I shouldn't be working outside of the home. I'm missing all the little things. What if he loves the babysitter more than me?!"

"I love working outside of the home. Is that wrong?!"

"I feel so much better after having taken a nap, but I should've been doing something more productive. darning socks. quilting. harvesting wheat to make my own bread."

"I just need a little "Me time" to recharge. Is that too much to ask? I mean, it's just a bathroom break."

"I should be homeschooling them, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't feel qualified."

"I should be doing a better job of homeschooling them. I'm so afraid that I'll fail or miss something that I should be doing."

"I really should be spending quality time with each of my kids. But there just isn't enough time to set aside an hour or so with each child."

"I know it's my retirement fund, but maybe I should use it for their college tuition instead."

On and on the list goes. I've heard it from tons of friends. I've experienced it on a near-regular basis in my own heart. Guilt from all the "shoulda's".


Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not giving enough. Not doing it well enough. Being too permissive. Too demanding. Struggling between what seems best for the child(ren) and what works best for you, as the parent. Comparing yourself to every June Clever character you ever knew, and obviously coming up short.

Guilt knows no borders. I think it effects working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Mothers with newborns and mothers with grandchildren. Mothers who have one child and mothers who have ten. Guilt doesn't occur because of outward circumstances. It happens due to the perceived. what you think you should be doing. what society thinks you should be doing. what you think others think but won't say you should be doing. It wages war on your mind...and in your heart.

There are days where I feel like I wake up already guilty.

"Oh man, I slept late. I should've been up, done with exercising, and ready to focus on them. Grant it, I didn't sleep last night because of Raegan, but that's no excuse, right?"

And in order to shake that guise, I must prove to myself, my children, and the perceived opinion of the remaining populace that I am, in fact, innocent of all charges. That I really am a good mom.

It feels like I'm a hamster on a wheel. Running hard. Running hard. Running... Hard? Not getting anywhere. What's the point? I say. I'm never going to be good enough. Why bother. ...and then I feel guilty for feeling that. On and on it goes.

Essentially the day is spent exhausting yourself, fighting a mental battle that never really seems to go away. With no real, identifiable enemy. Because I'm fighting an inward battle, a spiritual war over the territory of my mind. The hardest, in my opinion, to win. Why is this? Why do I allow myself to even go there, mentally? Why do I willingly line myself up against a "standard" that God has not set before me? where did this failure mentality come from?

I've heard some people say that it's due to the feminist movement. They say that "movement" got women out of the home and into the workplace. That it pushes the ideal that as a woman you can have it all. Marriage. Children. Corporate ladder. They say that that ideal is a lie. a trap. and it sets women up to never feel complete because in order to be a "real woman" in this day and age, you must be able to juggle everything. And not only juggle it...but do it better than a man.

I don't know. I have no idea what life was like before this movement. Did women Pre-Feminist Era have guilt? My guess is that yeah, they did. I won't pretend to even have a clue.

But what I do know is this. I know many women/mothers who work outside of the home. And because of their work, people around the world--or at least around the town where they live-- are impacted for the better. I won't bother to list them out. We all know women like that. (for the record: MY mother is one of them.)

I know women who are dedicating their time to making disciples of the nations. Right inside the walls of their own home. In the domain of their own family. And because of this, those children are growing up with purpose, with passion, with power. Those children will become adults who go out and impact the world.

Does this mean that one mother is right and the other is wrong? No. It just means they are different. Just like MY girls are different. I've said it before. My girls can be polar opposites at times. So does that make one better than the other? Hardly. They have just been designed and wired to fulfill a different calling. to fill a different niche then the other one. They are not supposed to be compared.

Yet my issues with guilt, and I think other's issues as well, can stem from this one act: Comparison.

She does this better than me.... She actually uses her degree.... Her homeschooled children all got full scholarships to Harvard.... She gives birth and leaves the hospital smaller than she was before getting pregnant... She has enough meals for an entire month stored up in her freezer. Me? I don't think I have tonight's dinner planned. On and on the list goes.

And if you're not already comparing yourself to others, no worries. The television will set it up for you. I've watched Good Morning America and Oprah, where they have a panel of women lined up. The stay-at-home moms on one side. The business women on the other. All mothers. Yet they are set up against each other.

"Tell us why you don't agree with women working outside of the home?" Defenses go up on all sides. You arm yourself with a fine-tuned argument about why you are THE right one and the other one is the loser. You spend the next 1/2 hour throwing stones...all in an attempt to make yourself feel better about your role in life. Why? To assauge guilt? To cause someone else to feel guilty for fulfilling a different role than you?

I don't know what the woman across the street has been called to. Simply because I am not her. But I do know that, TODAY, God Almighty has asked me to:
1. Stay at home with my children
2. Homeschool them
3. Make my husband and my children priority in this short season of life.
4. Have more children than I currently have.

Do I know what all the "tomorrows" of my life may hold? Nope. Not a clue. The organizer in me wants to "develop a plan" to help me excel at the above things. So that I can compare myself to a list of "shoulds". So that I can look at what God has called me to do and see how I measure up. That sounds healthy enough, right?


But somehow, deep in my spirit, I know there's more than that.


I need to come to a place where I am STILL. where I am at PEACE with who I am. Not with what I do. Not with my completed checklist. Not with my children who are "thriving" under my care. Because we all know that life doesn't always work out the way that you plan.

So I need more than a plan. I need to know the Love of the Father on a DEEP level...for me. On a revolutionary level where I am no longer driven to "do better" so that I can dub myself "successful" to some standard. What if the standard changes? What then?

But beyond all that, I want my heart to RELAX. To love the moment. To love who I am allowed to be in THIS day. So that "tomorrow" I can look back and know that I embraced this season for all that it has.

I don't want to allow GUILT to rob me of my joy. To rob me of this moment. To undermine whatever it is that God has asked ME to be, simply because it's not what someone else applauds, practices, or recognizes as valuable. I want to be... FREE. from guilt. from my own fears of not being good enough. from the June Cleaver comparisons. FREE. to be ME. not a shadow of what someone else says I should be.

Is it wrong to strive for perfection? No. Ironically, that is something that Lord is also working up in me. "You therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly father is perfect." Matthew 5:48. (But that's for another blog journal.)

But there is a balance. There is a correct heart motive. And there is an understanding that I can't be perfect at what God isn't calling me to be. He isn't calling me to raise someone else's kids. He isn't calling me to live in the future...or to fix something outside of my control. He's calling me to love him perfectly. to honor him wholly. And for me, in this moment, that includes how I love and interact with my husband and children.


That may sound like nothing to those called to lead the masses. (Trust me, I know. I've led the masses before. But those are my yesterdays.) But for me, it's obedience. And in the midst of that, I will find freedom.

Freedom from waiting for others to approve of me. And then, inside the realm of a liberated heart... a liberated identity... I know I can pursue being perfect like my father is perfect.
Pursued out of Joy. Not of out of fear of not being good enough.