The Adult version of Middle School Feelings

Do you ever have those days where suddenly every insecurity you struggle with ALL comes crashing in around you? It's like one thing...usually a very small thing made bigger by your perception...unlocks the storehouse to every "I'm not good enough" feeling you've had since 7th grade.

I don't know why (well, actually I DO know why but that remains an unnecessary part of this blog) but not too long ago was one of those days. And for some reason, the fact that I'm a parent only makes it worse. Because then it's not just MY insecurities and shortcomings (whether just perceived or real) that I see blaring before me, but those "possible" future ones of my children. Set in stone through the faulty DNA that I contributed. The "I know I've screwed them up past the point of their having normal social interaction" feeling. Yes, I know. Irrational. But it all snow-balled.

I have no idea why, but when I was younger, I naively thought that adults had it all under control. They had NO insecurities. They never felt left out. All their friendships ran smoothly. They never had "fat days". In fact, I'm pretty sure I remember thinking that once I got out of the trenches of middle and high school, I would no longer have to deal with all the unsure feelings that seemed par for that course. How come no one told me that, in fact, adults DO deal with them? And on a somewhat deeper, more intense level --because you think you're not supposed to be dealing with them? Because you think "Okay, I AM an adult. This shouldn't be bothering me." And because, quite frankly, this go round seems harder. Not so trivial. ...this time it's not about little Timmy choosing the new 6th grade girl over you. Or you not getting picked for the best team during P.E.

Of course, tell that to a 6th grader in the middle of a heartbreak. It doesn't matter that from where I sit, their issue should be a NON issue. The fact remains, I suppose, that heartbreak is still heartbreak. Do you think in heaven, we'll look back and say..."man, our adult woes WERE trivial"? I'm banking on it. But right now...to me, hurt feelings...well, they still hurt.

So here I am on the other side of "hurt," left with a choice. Do I fall into the trap of self-pity? Do I arm myself with resentment and bitterness? Do I retreat to my protective walled-over heart...where no one can ever hurt me again?

The obvious, good-girl answer is "No! of course not. I'll just love them all anyway just because I'm THAT good." Can't you see my red super hero cape flapping in the wind? But reality is that it's all too easy, when nursing a wounded soul, TO resort to any or all of those self-preserving tactics. Trust me, I know. I've ventured down those paths before.

I want to choose the higher ground now. I want to make it a point to reach out to people and love them in a way where I felt I was jilted. To do the exact opposite of what I received.
I heard someone preach one time that the enemy (Satan) can't guess what you're going to do next, if you operate out of love. Because he has no concept of that. He can't second-guess your next move. Not that I want to be motivated for the sole purpose of confusing him. But it is kind of nice to think that I'll be dealing a death blow to Hell...AS I'm loving people instead of licking my own wounds.

When we moved to Texas a while back...a HUGE story in and of itself...we went church-hopping. I thing I hope to never have to do again. But an experience that proved priceless, as it gave both Jet and I a point of view that we had never had before: It came as a shock to me, but the church people just wouldn't talk with us. Oh, we'd hear the occasional "Is that seat taken?" Or "oh, isn't she cute?" (referring to our daughter). But never would any one really take the time to TALK with us. And I think Jet and I are fairly approachable. We're both usually smiling. We both are NOT shy people. We both would TRY and make conversation with people, in attempts to connect with someone on a real level. To get to know the church family...in order to decide if we wanted to become a part of it. L-O-N-G story short, I decided that I would never let a "new person" visting our church feel that way.

In other words, I decided to not let my hurt cripple me.

I tell you this story, not to pat myself on the back. But to show you that I know I can use hurtful things for good. And to remind myself...even as I write....that I need to, yet again, choose to do that. To recognize that sometimes people can be clueless; they can say things or do things that hurt you to the core. And all without being the tiniest bit aware.

I KNOW that's what it was...the thing that hurt me a while back. Even though this isn't the first time it's happened. It was cluelessness of their part. Now, I just have to choose how I act. As the Lord has said to me on numerous occasions in the past: "Either you confront them on it now, or you have to forgive them and move on. You cannot hang onto this."

And I also have to try, with everything in ME, to not be clueless. Because trust me, I KNOW I can wax addle-brained at times. And though I AM extremely careful with my words...always trying to be aware of other's feelings...everybody has a different grid of "what hurts". So what may not register on my radar as thoughtless, may very well be a hot spot for someone else.

Lord...me again. Please, give me a clue. So I will not be the source of someone else's brokenheart. Um, yeah. That about sums it up.