Little Miss Manners

It's officially happened. I have crossed over into Parent-Of-One-Who-Speaks-Her-Mind. God, help me.

So I, being the perfect mom (yeah, yeah...hush it!) am fairly rigorous in trying to teach my girls good table manners:
-Chew with your mouth closed
-Don't talk with your mouth full.
-Use your utensils and refrain from putting your face in your bowl like Tobe (our dog) does.

You know, the real essential ones.

Well, point for me! Because apparently Etiquette Lessons have stuck. To the extent that Charis has given herself a promotion from mentor-ee to mentor-er. She will now correct any and all whose eating ventures come to her attention. My parents. Myself. Perfect strangers.

It's the latter focus of her tutoring skills that I lament.

Picture it. Costco. Open room filled with tables of eating people who are either
1. in a hurry and not in the mood for fast food.
2. in a hurry and looking for a good price. or
3. In a hurry. Period.

As it would seem, the whole "in a hurry" thing doesn't bode well for focusing on correct chewing methods. Well, recently Charis used one hurried Costco member as the point of reference on "how not to eat".

We're sitting there. Patiently waiting for Daddy to come back with the food. And, of course, with nothing else to hold her attention, my 4 year old starts to utilize American's favorite pasttime. People Watching. And I, tending to our infant, am otherwise occupied. Until I hear a LOUD "Mommy! HE'S not chewing with his mouth closed!!"

I turn around looking for the little imp of a child that obviously needs a lesson on good manners. To my horror, the imp is sitting directly beside me. Right arm stretched out straight ahead. Pointing very obviously at the older man sitting at the table directly in front of us. Whose eating skills, in the defense of Charis, much resemble that of a drunken goat. Simply put, it was revolting.

But that's not my point. :) I'm horrified. I can hardly just say "You're so right, honey. He's completely inept of all table manners. He should be shot." NOoooo...the Parental Handbook specifically instructs that you must
1. Cower in shame
2. Throw offending child under something. Like the Costco table.
3. Apologize profusely that the target of Preschool Correction has been called on their obvious lack of social skills. Because it's not their fault that their eating resembles that which we've seen at the zoo. NO! It's the fault of the observant child, who has taken it upon themselves to advertise loudly to the free world.

I jerk her hand down quickly. Immediately her other hand...complete with pointed finger aimed and loaded...shoots up. "But Mommy!!! He's NOT chewing with his mouth closed." This time it's LOUDER, as if I'm not understanding the fact that she has identified something that I need to correct. *Breathe Christin. Just Breathe*

Though, I do have momentary reason to rejoice! I thank God silently that the man and his elderly wife are obviously deaf in both ears. Yeah, I know. So much for my compassionate heart. But it's every man for himself at this point. And I'm just glad they're paying her no mind.

But while I'm correcting Charis and giving her the quickie-version of a "it's not polite to point at someone" lesson, my 2 year old---not to be outdone by her sister---turns around and sticks her finger inches from in the face of the offending stranger...

I start sweating. WHERE is that man I call Husband? WHO are these children? WHY have I taught them manners and then released them onto the unsuspecting public!? Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! (note: I am not taking the Lord's name in vain here...I am praying. desparately. for the floor to open up and swallow me.)

This time the couple notices the crazed look of a wild-eyed 2 year old. Pudgy finger in their face. Her shrill voice making her sister's sound like a whisper in comparison. No joke. I give Charis a "warning look" that lets her know we are NOT finished with this conversation and she had better NOT revert her eyes back to that man. I try and calmly grab my 2 year old. I try to tell her that she needs to be quiet. But she only gets more and more insistent.

I am sure at this point I wet my pants. Costco is full. My children have obviously lost their minds. My husband is obviously caught between enemy fire and is unable to return to rescue me. Or at least he had better be. And I am fast losing all desire to eat.

And Then.

The wife of the man looks up at me. Calmly saying to her husband, "I think she's talking about you." I close my eyes, just waiting for some comment to follow. But none comes. So I can only assume that she wasn't able to interpret that which was spoken at decibel levels only heard by dogs. and mothers.

I inhale air for the first time in 4 minutes. I exhale another 4 minutes later when the couple leaves. And I christen myself "Arrived". Now I hold rank with all those poor mothers who speak about their children and their lack of tact when dealing with strangers. In public restrooms. In grocery store check-outs. In store dressing rooms. Oh, the horror of a toddler with the ability to loudly voice thoughts not okayed by the parent.

SO for those of you that KNOW us, be forewarned: When dining with my oldest daughters, please take note of your table manners. Because God knows that my children will.