Finding the Balance

A couple weeks back, I was asked to speak at a Ladies Retreat in New Jersey. For those of you that know me well, know that I am passionate about speaking. I love hearing the heart of the Lord for a particular group of people and giving it. But this time, I had to decline. Motherhood had to come first.

Some of you that read this may get a little indignant. "Can't you be a mother AND have a life?!" I certainly hope so, or I'm in for a rude awakening. But my newborn would still be exclusively nursing. And to leave all three of the girls with Jet, even if only for the day while they hung out at a near-by beach, would be bordering cruel and unusual punishment. (yes, Jet said he would do it. Simply because he's amazing. But...how about we try to vacation with three children before HE solos it?)

It was a really hard decision for me. And I tossed and turned mentally for a week, knowing that I had to give an answer to the woman organizing the retreat. I felt like two worlds collided. My passion and call to speak. And my being in the middle of a season where being a mom is a more than full time job.

But man, if the retreat didn't REALLY pull on the heartstrings of my personal passions! And maybe I'm still too new to the Realm of Motherhood and all it entails, but I'm finding that those "colliding world" decisions are becoming more and more commonplace. Where MY desires and needs come headlong up against those of my children. Even if in small portions:

I want to get back in shape. Therefore that requires time spent working out.
I want to talk to someone over the age of 4. Therefore I spend time on the phone.
I want to have ONE minute to myself...just to collect my thoughts. Therefore, I skip town.
I want to eat a pound of M&Ms (nevermind that it slaps my other desire to lose lbs in the face). But that requires sending my infant into rages of stomach cramps. She doesn't do "chocolate milk" very well.

Meanwhile, my girls...each at varying ages of development and desire...want one thing: mommy's undivided attention. It doesn't matter what that looks like. They just want it. And therefore that requires I set aside a Large portion of time to just be with them. AND THIS cuts into the "me" time. Thus, the dilemma: there's only 24 hours to each day and so many options on how to fill them.

So...I'm hit with that decision every day of my life. One that calls for balance. Because yes, I know there's nothing wrong with "me time". In fact, I know me...I'm a better mom because I get it. But on the other hand, these little girls are growing up fast. Too fast. And I get one shot at being their mom at this age. I want to be able to look back and think "I did a really good job." I don't want regrets, you know?

At the same time, I want to have a life outside of being a mom. Because if I focus my entire world around the adorableness of my little ones...one day, when they're grown up, I'll be a shell of a woman. Someone who's very happiness depends on the relationship with my adult children (trust me, I've seen this...not pretty).

Do I have a formula? No. Am I liking formulas? Yep. And charts and schedules and planners and hand-written instructional letters from God delivered by a fleet of angels ....

But all I can do is take one day at a time. (something that I'm slowly getting better and better at) And though it sounds cliche'...I want to live each day as if THIS day were going to forever be cemented on the memories of my little children.

Yes, Yes! I know that children have to learn to entertain themselves. It's life. And trust me, my children are PROS at that (thank you Jesus!). But I want them to look back on their childhood and remember ME. I mean, I remember specific times when my mom played with me.

--I remember her coloring a page out of my coloring book with me. She taught me how to outline the object first and then color it in. I was almost 5 years old. I loved it!
--I remember her taking me to the pool. She taught me how to have a "tea party" on the bottom of the pool. And we proceded to do it again and again and again. I was about 7 years old.
--I remember her taking me out to lunch. Golden Corral (in the bldg that is now El Charro's) . I even remember the booth where we sat. Just the two of us. She asked me if I had a boyfriend. I was in 4th grade. I felt so grown up. Like an equal. Like I really mattered to her.

And though it's very doubtful that Mom was thinking that those small moments would matter, I know I'll remember them until I die. Because it was a special time that MY MOM set aside for little ol' me.

I want my girls lives to be filled with those kinds of memories. Not the kind where I say "I'm busy ...can you wait?" Which, to my shame, happens more often than not. I want them to REMEMBER and KNOW that they matter to me. Especially when the teenage years of uncertainty come.
Bottom line...I know what I want. I want to be the best mom that I can possibly be to these little treasures. And I want to better myself by investing in friendships and exercise and down-time AND using the giftings the Lord has given me. Like speaking and writing. Now the only thing I have to do is find that balance. And something in me says that's not going to be the easiest thing to find...or to keep.

Oh God, help me not to let Life run me over...but to embrace it. Intentionally. as a wife. as a mom. as a woman. Because I want to make a difference. And for now, my sphere of influence is smaller than it has been in a while: my family and friends. But small or not, I want to do it well. I want to do it right. Because TODAY is not a dress rehearsal.