The following excerpt is something I started to write over 14 months ago. but never finished because living in the midst of it, I was too overwhelmed to actually document it.
But that's what happens with God messes with your world. Again. :)
.......
I've written this post a hundred times in my head. Clear, concise ways to intelligently document the way that I'm feeling.Yet.When I get within 10 feet of our computer, my brain freezes up. My emotions overwhelm me. and I'm left completely unsure as to what I'm even thinking.On any given day, my opinion about the topic spans the full spectrum. Most days, I walk the fence, masterfully straddling the place called "Uh. I dunno know".To be honest, my heart breaks within me (insert: this can be read as I'M CONFUSED). For I feel like the Lord has silently been stirring up the sediment that's been lying on the bottom of my heart. It's like He walked through and caused a foggy mess of my once clear life.
But allow me to back up.Years ago, I had plans for what my life would look like. they did not include staying home full time.
He changed those.By divine design, I had two little girls sooner than I expected. but I did not want to homeschool them. Even though my brilliant husband was homeschooled from K-12, neither of us wanted to follow suit.I always expected to have a few children, but I never would've pegged me to be someone that would have more than "average". God, in following suit with his "meddling" of my other plans, up and changed my heart and challenged us to trust him to plan our family.
God changed that as well.
Suddenly "6 or 7" sounded normal...
Ah yes. This is where I ended it because I didn't know how to continue. I didn't know what to think. so I hardly knew what to write.
But I've come to terms with it now. with where God is NOW leading us. and with the reality that He doesn't always make sense. at least in terms of human understanding.
Sometimes you get to a place in life where God just needs to mess you up a bit.
shake you up enough to get you out of your comfort zone and show you that you don't have it all figured out. that you aren't sitting on the Throne of your Life. and that you most definitely still need to gain daily direction from Him if you are to walk the path that God has intended for you.
A yielded path.
I've found, again and again, that there are times where God starts me in a particular direction in life...not to keep me going in the direction indefinitely, but to get me a better place where I can suddenly veer left.
onto something completely new. out of the blue. and sometimes in complete contrast to where I thought He was taking me in the first place.
It's the sudden veer that always gets me. especially if I've become set in my ways, the ways that I THOUGHT He had established as THE way in my life.
Oh, the importance of remaining sensitive to his leading. yielded to his guidance. and open to the possibility that the thing He said to you a few years back may no longer apply.
Like for instance, Abraham and Isaac. You know the story: He was on top of the mountain, getting ready to sacrifice his son, when out of the blue a voice tells him to STOP, mid knifing.
I've always thought...AHHH, what if he wasn't listening?!!
What if he was so set on just getting it done... obeying what God had said a while back...that he didn't hear the release from the instruction?!! He would've have needlessly killed his son. And all because he wasn't listening to the Now Word.
So yeah. That's where Jet and I were over a year ago. feeling released, out of the blue, from a challenge the Lord gave us 7 years ago. and completely unsure as to how we felt about it.
The "challenge" being the whole letting-Him-plan-our-family-instruction.
Meaning without birth control, monthly planning, trying to figure it all out and avoid certain times, etc etc.... Truly not giving "family planning" a second thought. Truly just allowing God to choose to bless us with children. or not.
Did I just say that on the Internet? Uh...yeah.
But again, this is documenting for my family. as in my husband, myself, and my daughters. I'm sure some people may be tempted to casually cast judgement and say, "Hm. How convenient to feel released from that. Why don't you just admit you never heard it in the first place."
And honestly, I'm okay with that. People judge. Eh. It's what they do. My heart is not to hide my relationship with Jesus for fear that others (usually Christians) will interpret it based on their own experience. *shrug* My heart is to be transparent. yielded. humble. and so very willing to lay it all out there.
regardless of the masses and their mouths. *wry grin*
I know the direction the Lord gave us, even though I didn't especially like it when it was said. I know it wasn't always the easiest road to walk. I know I debated within myself... Often. But I know it was a Trust Walk He asked of us, for whatever reason.
And I know that that season is done. Again, for whatever reason. ?
So here I sit. In a totally new place. A place where we're suddenly having to renew our minds and rethink our ever-evolving relationship with Him. Being that He's no longer asking us to blindly trust him in this way.
Trust me, there are TONS of other ways where he's sounded The Alarm for "Blind Trust". Isn't that right, Jesus? *playful smile*
And now, here we are, deciding how we want our family to look. Honestly, it's been a bit difficult being a com-puh-letely different mindset.
Man, I'm so the kind of person who'd rather have God say "Do this." over "You pick."
Maybe because I know if He says to do it, it's obviously for the best. But if I choose that means I can screw something up. or take a path that will later bring questions or regret. :)
So that's where we are/were. suddenly veering a sharp and unexpected left turn. feeling a bit unclear as the map we've been using all these years no longer fits the terrain.
But learning to trust Him in a whole new way. on a whole new level. for a whole new season.
I happen to ...uh, like?...that I serve an unpredictable God.
He keeps me on my toes. challenging me to think outside the box, yet to hold that "thinking" loosely. You know, just in case, He ups and decides to lead me in a different direction.
because after all, it's about following Him, not some peripheral mindset that I can wave around as "the right way".
You know, since last I checked, the Word says n.o.t.h.i.n.g about the number of children you should or shouldn't have. It just highlights, again and again, our not leaning on our understanding...but following His lead.
So this is me. ripping up the map from the last trek of faith. pocketing the things I learned from that trip. and starting to walk in a different direction with my friend the Holy Spirit.
