But what does it matter? The chorus is forever embedded into my brain. And recently it seems to have embedded itself on my heart. For my world seemingly continues to become smaller...
THE BACKGROUND:
It wasn't too long ago that my life was anything but small. Before meeting Jet, I had traveled to nine different countries. I had graduated from a large university, where I met thousands and thousands and thousands of people during my time there. I was a public speaker up and down the East Coast. I had ministries beating down my door, asking me to partner with them.
I felt like I had seen the world. and more importantly, impacted it. In my mind, there was nothing I couldn't do. The world was at my fingertips. brimming with unknown possibilities...
Yet. Since saying "I do," my life began to shrink:
God asked me to quit my job with a counseling agency. So I did. And promptly, I started to pursue my long-awaited Master's Degree. But God filled my womb with an unexpected miracle: Charis. So unable to commit two years to more schooling, I continued to stay home awaiting the arrival of our first child.
Then, God asked us to move to cross-country to IsolationVille, Texas. Before moving, we felt challenged to give away one of our cars. So we did, leaving us with only one. For Jet. Which took the term "stay at home mom" to a whole new dimension, as my going anywhere during the day became near impossible.
Isolated. Secluded. "Hedged in" by the Hand of God.
Fast forward 17 months.
The Lord then released us to move back across country, back to our hometown. And *bam* someone gave us another car! But because part of His Training Ground in TX included an upheaval in our finances, lack of (gas) money continued to demand that I physically remain at home with the kids.
Hedged in once more.
Again, I started to head in the direction of a Master's degree. Again, the Lord said no. And after almost 10 years of knocking on that proverbial door, I finally felt a release in my heart to lay the pursuit down. Forever...
THE WAITING FOR MORE:
Whereas I've truly been content (and thrilled) to be a mom, there was always something more lurking on the horizons of my heart. An expectancy that surely with all the God has placed in me, there has to be more than this. With all that God has promised me on a personal level, obviously something outside of being a Homemaker has to be around the corner.
I mean yes, I will raise these children to the best of my ability. love them. cherish them. But then when they're all in school, I'll pick up where I left off. Pursuing my dreams and putting my talents to good use. Because really, this whole stay-at-home thing is just a season. Nothing more, right?
But suddenly, as I allowed the door to the Master's degree to forever be closed, I felt like I no longer held the dream of "more" in my hands. Suddenly "One Day" no longer existed within the realm of my strategic planning. Suddenly my emotional armor of "Stay tuned. More to come" was stripped away.
Stretching forever before me was home life. wife. mom. homemaker. And I was left with only what God had placed in my hands: A sphere of influence that drastically shrunk from thousands to four: Jet. Charis. Selah. Raegan.
GRABBING AHOLD of the DREAMS OF GOD in MY LIFE:
And though our world continues to shrink, our hearts continue to grow for the "small" things that he has set before us. Because as I now prepare to bring our fourth Little Woman into the world, I realize that my dreams have changed.
Maybe some would say that it's been a decrease in vision. a waste in talent. ...But I'd say it's become a more fine-tuned hope that Yes, there is most definitely something around the corner. Something bigger than I ever thought about before...
My children's unfolding destinies.
For deep within me is the revelation that the only things I really leave behind in this world are the memories I create for my children. their knowledge of a Kingdom and Creator yet unseen. their solid confidence that will continue to build them up when the world tears them down. their faith that they will call down heaven's realities into this world's ideologies. their ability to truly love because they were loved.
And while the Lord as repeatedly told me that I will write books (a promise of sorts that I have carefully guarded. something that only 4 people know...until now obviously), I now have to wonder at my interpretation of it. ...Haven't all of us heard the Lord and thought He meant one thing, when He, in his creative wisdom, meant something different?
My interpretation was by the world's standards: An editor. publication. success. And I'd be using all these giftings for His public benefit to boot. He'd get the glory. I'd get the paycheck. Perfect. Thanks God.
But now I have to wonder as *revelation* hits my heart. I may very well be called to write a LIVING testimony...on the very hearts of my girls.
TD Jakes writes this of his sons, "...I know that they are manuscripts yet to be written and songs waiting to be sung. To the world I say get ready for them. They are being printed at this very moment an soon to be published. They will be well worth reading."
Yes yes yes resonates within my spirit!
For I AM in the process of writing books. Personal, intimate, priceless editions. And if I want Best Sellers that will take God's anointing. his wisdom. and my life.
"And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart: and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. And you shall bind them as a sign up on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:6-9
And I can truly say...that after (almost) 6 years of being a mother, I could hope for nothing more than to train them up to be better women than I was ever able to be. to equip them to love. to encourage them to rest in the midst of a storm. to take the spiritual machete' and blaze a path. one that will lead them straight into the Father's Throne room.
into his power. into his peace. into his arms.
Suddenly all those "bigger" dreams don't seem so fit me anymore. And though I am now ABLE to get in my car and drive away, I'm not feeling the pressing need. These four walls no longer feel like a Hedge. Instead He has opened my eyes to see the Secluded Gardens...not the wall.
a place of peace. full of potential. a place of hope.
For though Dorothy coined the phrase, my heart is truly beating it: "There's no place like home. No place like home."
