Learning

Charis has been wanting to be a Big Girl Biker for a long time.

Well, yesterday evening as we went out to ride bikes, Jet said that one of her training wheels was already coming off. Unknown to us, the wheels were so high and so loose that they weren't even helping. Essentially, the left training wheel came off by itself.

In order to build her confidence (though it seems she's been biking without the need of them for a while) Jet left the remaining one on.

As she was riding around our driveway, she yelled in a way that reminded me of Pentecostal preachers, "Jesus is holding me up! Thank you, Jesus!" :)

Less than five minutes later, she fell and bloodied her knee. Screaming so hysterically that I'm sure the neighbors wondered who was being attacked.

....

This past week and a half, my heart has become more and more aware of my ability to be short-tempered. There are moments (though thankfully more rare than not) where my reaction to life isn't what I would hope it'd be.

Times when a child carelessly spills red sauce on a new, white shirt. Or when my husband comes home and unknowingly deals with the children in a different manner than how I do it during the day. Those times. The times when small things happen and I find myself completely annoyed. But instead of graciously responding, I respond in a way something akin to a mini volcano.

I hate it. It's NOT how I want to react. In fact, if someone else reacted that way to my children or my husband, I wouldn't stand for it. Yet. Somehow, in that moment, something in me apparently deems it permissible to overreact to those I love the very most. HUH!?

So recently, the largest, most desperate prayer of my heart has been that:

my "knee jerk" reaction to my family would be a direct mirror of the Love and Face of God. I want my immediate response to be one of love. One hundred percent of the time.

So many times in the Word, God gives us directives. to steady ourselves. to arm ourselves. to move out of the place where we are.

"Go through, Go through the gates....build up the highway....clear it of stones..."

"Rouse yourself, rouse yourself, stand up!"

"Draw near!"

"Prepare the way of the Lord!"

"Fan your flame"

"Put on the armor"

"Earnestly desire the higher gifts"

"Put away all bitterness and wrath and anger...."

On and on it reads, in both Old and New Testament alike. God's instruction to me to DO SOMETHING. To rouse myself from a stupor and start moving towards the very thing that I desire. that I am asking him for.

And the thing that I most desire right now...more than the miraculous. more than the supernatural. more than anything... is complete purity of heart and purity of tongue.

Can it be done? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Will Jesus help me? Yes. But I have to realize that just as Charis has to learn inner balance, steadfast confidence, and quick motor skills in order to master the bike, I too have to learn inner balance, steadfast thinking, and quick response love in order to master this thing called Love.

We have to take some responsibility in arriving at the place where we want to be. Neither of us can just sit back and wait for the answer/skill/ability to fall our lap. We both have to try and practice and choose to keep at it, even when it's hard. even when we fall down.

Because let me tell you, since seeking God concerning my heart responses and knee-jerk reactions, it's like the heat has been turned up. I've been more edgy. more quickly annoyed. more fully incapable of thinking nice thoughts.

But I trust that Jesus will help both Charis and I as we GO AFTER the thing that our hearts both desire. We have to press in and go after it. And after time, it will become easier. To the point that we don't even have to think about it.

And those God-mirroring knee-jerk reactions that I so desire will become second nature. Ironically, just like...riding a bike.