...is so precious to me that there are days I want to cry, I feel so inadequate to be the one she calls 'Mom'. Have you ever felt that way?Add to that the thought of holding her very education in my hands and I've been one unsure momma.
Six or so months ago, I began to question whether or not I would or could homeschool Charis's first grade year. There were many many reasons that brought this about. None that I will go into now.
What matters was that the question was there. Ever before my face. mocking me. overwhelming me. confusing the heck out of me.
If you ask either Crystal or Jolanthe, you'd find that I have been pretty "sure" of my final decision...quite a few different times. *rolling my eyes*
She would go to public school. Definitely. ...Well, most likely. Okay, so maybe not.
It wasn't that I was trying to be wishy-washy. I mean, who tries? But I found that as the months went by, the reasons (all very real ones mind you!) changed to some degree. or fixed themselves. or vanished all together. Forcing me to rethink my motivation again and again.
Until I was left with only one reason why I'd send Charis to public school next year. Fear.
Fear that I wouldn't do it right. Wouldn't do it well enough. Couldn't train her to be all that she was intended to be. Fear that she would hate me for it. be bored out of her mind. wish on a daily basis that her teacher was anyone but me.
Months and months ago, I was sure she would be enrolled in the school down the road. A couple of months ago, feeling freedom from the "have to" of homeschooling, I began to really look at the situation again. With open eyes and an open heart released from any pressure of expectation, I was able to consider it without biased. And one week ago, I took a chance.
Though I was starting to feel strongly that homeschooling was the best option for Charis and our family in this next season, I wanted to see what she really thought. I knew I was taking a chance in putting the ball in her court. A big one. I mean, what if she said she wanted something I wasn't prepared to do?!
Yet. I asked.
"Charis, would you like to go to school next year? Or stay here and do homeschooling again?"
She didn't hesitate.
"I want to homeschool with you."
To say I was shocked wouldn't describe it. I was relieved and honored and scared all at the same time, if that's even possible. :)
Yes. I still have fears. Fears that I will fail. that I will forget something. or not be creative enough. But I'm finding that most MOMS feel that.
It's what's done with that feeling that determines the outcome. Will I be paralyzed by it? convinced by its persuasive arguments that I am not the woman for the job? Or will I allow those fears to motivate me to live in a way that keeps me from becoming all that Fear says I already am? From the lie that says I am not good enough.
Because this I know, if I am going to homeschool, I have to be assured that I will do it with utmost integrity. For I cannot undergo such a responsibility half-heartedly.
Just a few thoughts for now in the journey of this mother's heart.
13 comments:
Oh how I understand! Our oldest will be a fourth grader next year and I sit back in awe at all she has learned and is learning. I don't feel ANY of the credit goes to me... I've only tried to pass on a love for learning to her, and love to learn alongside her, the rest has been a by-product. What a priviledge is ours!
Home-schoolers like you are to be respected. Humility is a virtue. God grant you the confidence, strength and grace to continue the path He's leading you in.
You, my dear friend, are an amazing woman, mom, wife, and TEACHER. Not just in the school-things, but in everything you do with your child.
I so look forward to sitting down and planning with you and bouncing ideas back and forth with you in the upcoming months as we both homeschool next year.
Love you much - and you know that I can relate in the gammet of emotions that you've gone through. :)
and I meant "children" - you're amazing with all of them.
*grins*
Jolanthe
All parents home educate...some just do it full time. Realizing that the education of your children is your responsibility and not the govenrnment's is a scary step, but brings with it freedom.
You know I've done this a few years, and yet now my 14yo is in a traditional setting. So much easier for him now to adjust to the idea that his worth/ranking is due to test scores. So glad that it didn't become part of his self-understanding early on. I remind him that these are the rules for the format of education that he is choosing, so he must play by the rules (within reason). He knows that there are other ways to learn. He (hopefully) knows who he is.
You'll do fine. Just don't take yourself or home education too seriously....have fun with your children (like you have this year) and you will teach them to love to learn!
Yay, Charis! You've made a good choice because you've got an incredible mama who has already taught you so much and will teach you even more. Besides, your mama lets you bring things--living things--into your house to watch them change...so you're a blessed little girl! :)
And Christin, I pray that peace will continue to guard your heart about this decision.
So...the next big choice...homebirth or hospital birth? You've left us hanging about that one for a while! ;)
You'll do great! :) I love Charis's response. And: why, of COURSE she'd want to "homeschool with *you*". Precious.
~Stacy
Thank you for sharing. We are starting to think about which route we want to go...one thing that keeps coming up is fear...fear of failing my kids and fear of not being able to take on this huge task. Glad to hear that I am not alone. My Mom homeschooled my siblings and I and I will always be forevr grateful. May your girls rise up and call you blessed.
What a beautiful photo.
Yes, all of us feel this pressure or fear!!
I have only been HS for 3 years now. My kids were in public before that. I was also very afraid. I am happy to report they are all ahead academically. I take HS very serious though. I can tell you do too. None of my children have EVER asked to go back to public school. In fact, the older girls routinely thank me for HS them.
may i say that it is even scarier to leave your child's education in the government's hands?
may i aslo add that form all the posts that i have read form you that I can tell that you will take responsibility and will homeschool with integrity. you are a wonderful,caring mom with an awesome family.
i guess it is because i have 6 kids, i get asked ALL the time "do you homeschool? : )
What a huge decision! I woke up the other day with thoughts of what we might do for Haven's (etc) school ... in four YEARS. I hope you have lots of peace about your decision.
I can relate to insecurities around homeschooling. If God is leading you to homeschool, He will equip you. That being said, homeschool can be lots of fun- kids at that age can't help learning! I found the upper grades a bit more difficult, but the lower ones were great!
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