"You'll just know."
Before I got married, people would repeatedly say this to me regarding my future husband: I'd "just know." Apparently, I could expect an all-encompassing knowledge of sorts to hit me upside the head. upon introduction to "The One".
So they said.
I had visions of introducing myself to him and suddenly the heavens would open, angels would sing, and he would carry me off into the horizon. on horseback.
Because, of course, he'd also be endowed with said knowledge. And conveniently have a random stallion standing by.
But this was not the way of it for me.
Jet was not what I was expecting. nor what I thought I wanted. (in all honesty, he's all that I didn't know I needed...and way more than I could even have asked for). And though I knew our budding friendship appeared to be a gift from God... I wasn't sure.
And I wanted to be. I needed to be.
I had been a "word of the Lord" for far too many people where marriage was concerned. I did not want to deceive myself into thinking our relationship was something it wasn't intended to be.
I had to wrestle through my thoughts, my fears, my prior expectations. I had to duke it out within myself. within the Throne Room of God. And so I did...until I had peace.
Consequently, this is where I find myself yet again. "duking it out" in yet another arena which everyone else deems a no brainer: "You'll just know" they say.
Maybe I'm just dense. Maybe my 'knower' is irreversibly broken. But I find myself not knowing. not having total peace. complete clarity. Yet wanting to.
Regarding children. Mine, specifically... and any future ones that may come our way.
"How many do you want?" "Are you finished?" "Gonna try for that boy?" "How do you do it?" "Surely, you're done now. Right?"
We get asked these questions so often they've become commonplace in our day-to-day conversations. Even with perfect strangers. The questions amuse me. confuse me. frustrate me.
I suppose the questions could stem with the fact that as a married woman, the number of months I've been pregnant outweigh the months that I've not been.
So people are used to seeing me pregnant. And, I'm sure, are just curious as to whether they should expect my body to swell yet again. People like to be prepared like that.
But eh, that's only speculation. ;)
I know the questions are genuine. they don't come laced with venom. most aren't meant to be insinuating that we should stop. But I have no answers. Because I am asking myself these questions. constantly.
Honestly, my mothers heart doesn't feel full. When people comment about how we have a "large" family, I have to smile. It doesn't feel big to me.
Now 6. 7. 8... That would feel like the beginnings of a big family. Not my small brood of four girls. *shrug*
It's in this place that my thoughts reside. my emotions wrestle. On a daily, if not hourly, basis.
More processing to come...
