Prepare to weep.

The TRUE heart of God, when displayed through tangible man, breaks me to pieces every time.

As I watched this I couldn't help but think about where I am struggling. where my faith is hobbling along. and I closed my eyes and imagined how and where God is intervening.

Take note of the time that the trainer tries to come and make the runner stop, most likely for "his own good". See the dad remove his hand and shoo him off? Yeah. That's MY God....pushing off the naysayers, while He holds me up. knowing that I CAN finish this.

The glory of God

My 7 year old had an open vision last night...

I don't have time to write right now. But that above statement pretty much sums up the atmosphere of our house these last three months. and the reason why I haven't had time to write.

It's been crazy. The good kind.

Do you want to play with me...?

Learning to give and receive love isn't always the easiest thing.


See the girl in the tie-dyed dress? Her name is Hannah. and she's the friend that Selah fought to gain, Saturday July 3rd, 2010...

Over July 4th weekend, Jet and I loaded up the girlies to go camping with Jet's extended family.

When I say extended, I'm talking well over 100+ people here! It was unexpectedly FABULOUS and will be shared on this blog. One day.... When I finally shake hands with Spare Time.

But for now, I'm just introducing the point to say that Selah was overwhelmed with the amount of children there. We're talking dozens and dozens of cousins, to one degree or another... yet strangers all the same.

Whereas her other sisters tend to be more outgoing...

(Raegan just walks up to little girls she doesn't know and makes herself right at home)


Selah, at this stage of her development, leans more towards the shy end of the spectrum.


And so...

She felt left out for the first little while, assuring herself that people didn't want to play with her and obviously weren't pursuing her for a friendship because they didn't like her. or at the very least, liked other children more.

(she stayed near to her sisters and 1st cousins during the first day)

As a mother, it was heartbreaking to see. Like you other parents know, watching your child hurt is nothing short of experiencing that hurt for yourself.

On several occasions, she and I had to go off by ourselves, as I'd listen to her heart and gently try to encourage her to see beyond the hurt feelings.


It's a hard thing to see beyond yourself when speaking on matters of the heart and hurt, isn't it?

But I know, from experience, it's one of the most important lessons a young girl needs to learn early on: the ability to not get caught up in the drama of your emotions.

for the heart is a wild member. with a imaginative mind and strong will all its own. A Destructive Duo unless aptly trained.

And so, I "trained.

Some of the time, I came away feeling like I hit the nail on the head, that what I said was nothing short of Heaven interacting with Selah through me. Other times, I felt I stayed way on the other side of Inspiring.

But, in truth, I kind of doubt ANY of what I said, whether noteworthy or not, will be remembered. The words weren't what she needed. It was the perspective.


(she did play with others and others did play with her. but in her heart, she wasn't seeing it that way)

...
And on the second day of camping, I saw Hannah. She had just arrived with her family and, by divine intervention, was yet to start interacting with the mass of children. sort of hanging around her van, watching the others from the fringe.

I called Selah over, as she was now playing comfortably with some of the other children.



Though still a bit reserved, you could tell that she was starting to feel more a part of the camaraderie.

" Do you see that girl? She looks like she really wants to play with someone, doesn't she?"

Selah looks at me and smiles her amazing smile.



"Part of wanting a friend is being one. Part of making friendships is pursuing them, being the one to go up and do the inviting. So why don't YOU go up to her and ask if she wants to play with you? This your chance to make someone else feel included."

She looks excited, but apprehensive.

I could tell she wanted to go to Hannah, yet was being held back. most likely by that stinkin' voice in our head that causes us to doubt our ability to be desirable.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

She beams and shakes her head, but then turns to me and says, "But I don't know what to say."

"Just tell her your name and ask if she wants to play."

Why we make relating to people so complicated, I'll never know. Yet, don't we all do it from time to time, don't we? God deliver us from ourselves, as I dare say I get in my way more than others at times.

With me trailing behind her, she raced ahead. I couldn't hear what she said as she approached Hannah, but I'm guessing it was quiet and under her breath because Hannah looked at me for clarity.

As so I became a part of the conversation as naturally and quietly as I could, not wanting to overshadow Selah or be the mom who always has to step in and take charge. Yet, recognizing that this interaction was going to set the foundation for later friendship-pursuing-moments.

I figured it was best for Selah to have a happy outcome than a totally independent conversation.

And as I walked away from the sandbox, leaving the two of them smiling and playing together, I couldn't help but to smile to myself. Sweet victory! It doesn't always come with bells and whistles. Sometimes it comes in the form of inconspicuous winks between mother and daughter.

Though it wasn't a big moment as far as others watching might say, I knew it was pivotal in the heart of my little girl.

Because in her heart, she fought a battle and won. overcame her fear of rejection. and introduced herself to a little girl named Hannah.

It's the little moments that can pass us by.

Usually when I go MIA in Blogdom, it's not because there's nothing to say; but rather because there's too much to say to even know where or how to begin. These last few months have been no exception.

I feel like the Gates of Heaven have literally been opened over our home. It's been that intense. that revelatory. that sweet.

Relationships have been shifted and priorities renewed. Life has been overflowing, on so many realms. And I've had three very sweet distractions that have kept me from writing: My God. My husband. and My daughters.

And this post...well, this one is about the "My Daughters" part.

--------------------------
Seasons come and go. There's no doubt or debate on that subject.

But one thing... a truth independent of emotions or trends or busy schedules, will always remain...

I will forever be The Mom to these amazing little girls.

Therefore, I've been spending any free time I have these past days months not writing blogs or documenting life, but rather living it.

side by side with these little ladies.


as well as this one. :)


who is currently too little to sit on the swing with the others eating Icees.


Though allow me to assure you, she has four more-than-willing older sisters who'd LOVE to volunteer their baby-cradling-expertise.


*This is me prying fat, sticky fingers from a rather-strong choke hold around Raquel's neck*

Um, no thank you, honey. Let. Mommy. have. her.

(Notice that she didn't seem to mind sisterly-lovin' via Choke Hold.)

Anyway, what was I saying? Uh...spending time? focusing?...focusing on....what? Oh yeah...my girls! All five of them.

Sorry. I get distracted when I look at sweet baby cheeks.


These last months, I've been spending time with these guys. in such a way that I'm getting to know the ins and outs of who they are.

as real people.


with real feelings.


and real thoughts.


and real dislikes.


and real senses of humor.


all independent and different from my own.

And that takes time, you know? At least for me, it's required a ginormous amount of intentionality and dedication to really listen and enjoy them as individual people and not just see them as a mass of children cohabitating with me:

• to really pay attention when they're telling me something, instead of just nodding indifferently while I continue to research something online.
  
  
• to allow them to help with dinner prep even when I know their "help" involves a huge mess and a large amount of extra time.
  
  
• to spend quality time with Charis and Selah once the three youngest are napping, even though there are days where I want nothing more than to ignore all the conversational needs of people under 4 feet tall.
  
  
• to spend an extra 10 minutes one-on-one with them before naptime, instead of saying a half-hearted 'Night-night' from the hallway.
  
  
• to schedule date nights with the oldest three.
  
  
• to play that obnoxious lovely little game that holds absolutely no interest to me. just because I know they love it.
  

Being a mom to lots of young children can be draining. It requires a copious amount of chocolate patience as well as the ability to intelligently function on sporadic spurts of sleep.

But it also gives me a last ditch effort at being spontaneous and young again. ...I have to remind my Old Self of this from time to time. You know, being that Old Self tends to be boring. focusing on bills and housework and menus.



I totally admit it. Hi, my name is Christin and I get wrapped up in things that don't matter.

We all know the drill, right? Our Distracted Self takes over...and demands to live a life not meant to be ours in this season. Which then gives rise to Ungrateful Self who monopolizes all thought, moaning over What Will Never Be and becoming bitter over What Is.

It's a lovely little cycle I like to call SIN.

And so, these past few months, I've been making it my focus to put to death both Distraction and Ungratefulness. For they've been robbing me of THE most precious gifts this side of heaven.

My family.



It's crazy, but sometimes it's so easy to lose sight of the preciousness of what we see on a daily basis, isn't it?

Take my engagement ring, for example. It's gorgeous. But because I see it on my hand every day, I can easily forget to admire it. to cherish it.

Same with my hub and girls. I see them every. single. day. So, if I'm not careful, they can become less valuable in my eyes. giving me the open door to esteem someone (or something) else more highly for novelty-sake.

Tragic.


SO. That said, I've been taking the time to reallllly listen and spend quality moments together with my girls. Pushing through that stinkin' built-in temptation that seems to come along side the choice to remain at home with the kiddos.

Or is it just me?

Pathetic Moment. Take #10,984 #1:

• "But YOU get to actually talk with ADULTS during the day!" (This said to my husband when I'm pouting about how my life is soooo horrible. Cue violins.)
  
  
• "Don't ask me what I do all day. Because I couldn't tell you, though I know it most likely had something to do with wiping some body part. and putting away that same stinkin' 100,000 piece puzzle someone insisted on giving them."
  
  (Insert adult woman dramatically throwing herself, face-down, onto the bed in a moment of glorified self-pity)
  

Ahem. *straightening my shirt and checking my hair in the mirror* That was awkward, now wasn't it?

*clearing throat* Moving on.


Anyway. Those moments...they're the ones that I've been pushing through. determined to see my way to the other side. ;)

In the midst of this self-inflicted Mom Overhaul, I felt the Lord remind me of a conversation I had with someone a while back, where she said: "I need to work outside of the home because being away from them helps me to be a better mother."

*sigh*

Don't get me wrong. Clearly, I understand the heart behind that. Because *hello* I've found myself thinking along those lines before (This is where I refer you to the above examples of Confessions of a Stressed out Mom).

What mom doesn't want to get away from time to time?!!


Heck, I'll just go ahead and confess right now: I've literally called up my husband and said, "That's it. I'm leaving the kids and driving ...somewhere."

(Though I never would do this, obviously the tone is my voice was convincing as Jet found it necessary to inform me that this just wasn't a viable option. Ha!)


So yeah. I get it. But that's why that statement struck me as so sad...because it sounds so logical... wise, even. Have lots of time away from children = Ability to enjoy children.

But think about it. That's essentially saying: in order to have the emotional energy to like our kids, we have to limit the amounts of time spent with them.


Kind of sad when put that way, isn't it?

Again, don't get me wrong. I GET IT. I know how draining children can be. After all, I live with five of my very own.

But this past season, I've felt a new resolve to NOT allow my heart to wander to that place. to not be deceived into that way of thinking. but to allow God to turn my heart.

He will change parents' attitudes toward their children and children's attitudes toward their parents. If not, I will come and reclaim my land by destroying you." Malachi 4:6

And I can tell you one thing...He has. Seriously, there's unavoidable difference in the way I view my daughters.




I've been learning. changing. and discovering that Mothering doesn't have to be draining. it can be life-giving. if I allow it.

And yes, I've always known this...and experienced it to a degree...but it's like there's been a massive shift in the atmosphere of my heart. And I'm so grateful.


especially when those moments of Intentional Mothering lead to Little Girl climbing in my lap to whisper, "I love you so soooo much, Mommy!"

*le sigh*



So my life, while its been MIA in Blogdom, has been more than full in REAL LIFE, as I've been deepening the relationships I have with these five little girls.


who just happen to be daughters.

(Note: this post took a culmination of weeksssss to write. as it felt slightly inappropriate informing my girls, "I'm sorry, but I can't play right now as I'm writing about how much attention I'm giving you." Ha!)

Barbies. It's what's for ...playtime.

After a couple of weeks of 100 degree temperatures, we're spending the day outside on the covered porch. enjoying the cool and rainy weather.

Me and my laptop are cuddle up on the wicker furniture Mom found at an auction, catching up on emails, homeschool planning, and blog updates when I suddenly take note of what the girls are playing:


Selah (6): "Is he married?"

Charis (7.5) "No."


Selah : "Then HOW can he have a baby???!!" Her voice sounds incredulous. (ThanktheGoodLord. Amen.)

Pretend playing quietly ensues, while Selah obviously takes a moment of silence, to think over the puzzling situation at hand.

Selah: "Well did he find them (the babies) in the woods?"

Charis: Yep.

Selah, breaking into her wide-mouthed smile: "OHHHHH. Okay."

Yes. I'm yet to dive headlong into the waters of Where do Babies Come from talk. Go easy on me, as I'm not yet ready to have a bold 3 year old loudly (and publicly!) proclaiming the half-informed tidbits Older Sisters have shared during their late night discussion sessions.

For now, they seem content to know the surface information we've covered. And I...well, I am more than happy to oblige their eager satisfaction with All Things Innocent.

..............

Moments later. Question of paternity testings are forgotten, as they've moved on to Mail Order Husbands.

Clearly, I'm raising hippie feminists. Lovely.


Charis: And why should I pick you?

Raegan (3): Because I am really strong. and I can swing you up super high!!

Insert picture of Ken on steroids.



Seconds later, Bride-wanna-be chooses another contender, and Raegan is left alone with Ken to sulk. It truly was a pathetic moment of Massive Lower Lip, but my camera wasn't fast enough to capture it.

Meanwhile, the two "newlyweds" float up into space dancing.



Bruce Springsteen singing "Higher and higher" races through my head without warning or permission.

"Because your love...your love keeps lifting me...Keeps on lifting...I said your love..."
In my head, I hear a man's falsetto voice ..."Wooooooo"

Tragic, isn't it?

So sad that I, on a daily basis no less, call my daughters by a sister's name. YET. I can, with zero effort, recall the lyrics to a song I never liked in the first place.

Anyway.

Arranged marriages. Competition for the most eligible man (or woman). and amazing circus feats that defy logic or explanation in order to impress said eligible single person...


....well, it's all in a day's play here at Princess Central.

6years ago I gave birth to a miracle

...because 7 months earlier she had no heartbeat.

I was in the Texas ER, dealing with my first and most dramatic miscarriage. We'd already lost Selah's twin that day, confirmed by the fact that I had miscarried at home and still had substantially elevated HcG levels that, according to the nurse, indicated the presence of multiples.

Until that point, we didn't know Baby Twin existed. And the sweet little baby that we were aware of was essentially declared dead. via lack of heartbeat.

Yet.

God had other plans.

(around 1 yr)

The next day, the unthinkable occurred as the OB declared that Selah not only had a heartbeat, but a strong one. DearGodinHeaven...Hallelujah!

I told her that story for the first last month. She loves it and wants to hear it over and over again. ;)


I'm SO so so incredibly thankful for God's hand on her life. both in the womb and now. because I cannot imagine my life or the dynamic of my family without this sweet little girl.


And today we celebrate her.

Dear Hub

Okay, Keeper of My Heart. Here are The Rules Of The Day:

1. Your daughter has been throwing up. Therefore, you must bring home dinner. as One-Who-Usually-Cooks lost her appetite. by 9AM.

2. Your OTHER daughter refuses to sleep. Therefore, you must bring home chocolate...or jewelry. as anything sweet (or shiny) will undoubtedly brighten a day where Nap Mutiny has occurred.

3. Your OTHER daughter turns 6 tomorrow. Therefore, you must go by Target and get predetermined present. as I am being held hostage by aforementioned vomit and insomnia.

4. Your OTHER daughter is 3yrs. Enough said. Therefore, it'd be advised that you also throw in a bookshelf or two in order to help with the overall peace and order of the home since you know me: Organization soothes the savage beast.

No worries, Costco has some. I called to check.

5. Your OTHER daughter is a God-send. and the only reason I am coherent enough to sit up and type out this little ditty.

Okay, so maybe this reads more like a shopping list than house rules, but *shrug* a rose by any other name, right?

Do they even make record players anymore?

Some things I saved from my childhood must've accidentally been thrown in with the girls' books during Mass Exodus of Attic. because this morning Charis brought these down for closer inspection.



Selah: "WOAH! Those are huge CDs!"

Me: They're records. For a record player.

Selah: "A WHAT player?"

Ah yes, wrinkle creams got nothin' on holding back the years when children's uncensored comments are to be had.

Grandma kisses

This little girl has a soft spot for one person in particular.


My mom.

Raquel will grab her face with both hands, pull her to her own face and kiss her. She does this every time Grandma holds her.... and *only* with Grandma.

My scattered thoughts...

Sometimes it's hard for me to give a true, uninhibited expression of my heart, circumstances, and God-experiences in this blog, knowing all the different people who read these most intimate thoughts of mine.

But then I remind myself that this itty bitty iota of the internet is, ultimately, for my daughters. I want them to know my heart. I want them to see the work of God in our lives. I want them to have a life-scrapbook of sorts to look back on, as a testament of His Work in my heart. in our family.

Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren. Deuteronomy 4:9

So for them, and for no other reason, I write.

pictured because she's one of the sweet little faces that I write for. :)

...
Do you ever feel like God has called you out? set you apart to do great things? Yeah, I guess that should actually describe everyone who calls themselves Christians, huh? We ARE a people set apart. (1 Peter 2:9)

But sadly, there seems to be less and less of the "set apart" and more and more of the blurred line of "trendy living".

These days, it seems that everything is going more decisively towards mainstream... even the Church at large. As Hollywood deems it should be, so it becomes. making it very difficult to decipher between Mainstream Society and those who are called to be "in this world but not of it."

• Ordaining homosexual ministers.
• Hosting drinking parties, claiming "Well, Jesus drank."
• Conversations degrading people who devote their lives to loving orphans...yet condoning others who devote their lives to loving money.
• Embracing clothes styles that reveal too much.
• Using "downtime" to support Primetime TV shows that glorify murder, adultery, homesexuality, lust, and crass humor.

My heart literally grieves over where we're heading as a Nation...and a Church.

I want with everything in me to guard my heart so that my life doesn't become that which grieves Him. And I'm finding that I have to know who I am (which means knowing THE I Am) in order to remain become who I want to be.


Because we, as a Church, shamefully look and sound the same as everybody else. making it excessively easier to be exactly what I don't want to be.

So what now? Do I spend my time pointing fingers and making judgments. NO.

Though I do believe that Christians are called to keep other Christians accountable, I want to spend my (limited) energy on something other than setting my attentions on what I don't want to become.

Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. Colossians 3:2

I'm finding that the things (whatever they might be) that I focus on are the things that I begin to resemble/desire. Don't believe me? Then consider this: Has a crass cuss word ever shot through your thinking out of the blue? Well, it has for me...and the ONLY reason it would be readily available in my brain is because I hear it when watching (focusing my thoughts on) PG-13 movies. *sigh*

So these past few weeks have been spent realigning my sights onto HIM.
reevaluating my life. taking a hard look at
my priorities (not those I SAY I have, but those my time reveals I have).
my relationships.
my long-term goals...

And then seeing whether the way I spend my time matches up with the characteristics/life style I want to embody.

I'm determined to set a different standard, for my children's sake.

I don't want to live in a rut. I don't want to live status quo. I don't want to revolve my life around the computer or when a certain show comes on or when it's more convenient to be aggressively righteous.

Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth: I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. Matthew 10:34 (so yeah, the reason why I put "aggressively". Because this IS war.)

I want even MORE freedom than I'm experiencing now. I want to run with all I've got towards all that the Lord, out of his limitless generosity, says is mine.
-healing...for me and for others.
-intimate friendship with Him.
-power to obliterate Hell and disease.

I want to live in way that off-sets anything else my girls may will see.

And no, not simply for the sake of being seen by them. But as any parent knows, the consequences of our decisions no longer live within the limited realm of Self. They show up time and again in the lives of our children.

Even the silent way I live is becoming the foundation for how my girls view what's acceptable in Life, and as a Follower of Christ. SO when I live life on the sidelines or with a certain attitude, they're picking it up and adopting it as their own, you know? *God help me*

So attitudes that allow pessimism or defeat when facing a person asking for prayer for a miracle need to go.

OR the defeatist mentality that warrants that I CAN'T lose this baby weight because "I'm 33 and have had 7 pregnancies in 8 years and I just need to accept it..." has to be severed from my thinking.

OR "I've never done XYZ before so I'm sure I wouldn't be any good at it so why bother trying"...OR the mindset that just sort of waits for life to invite me to be a part instead of causing LIFE to happen around me. Yeah, gotta kick those to the proverbial curb.

Those mindsets MUST be put to death IF I am to become who I was created to be, if I am to lead my daughters in the direction that they should go. You know, despite where mainstream society (and sometimes even the Church-at-large) wants to take us.

I want to be bold and daring and athletic and FEARLESS. Yet...most days I'm not, you know? Most days I take on the attitude of "Tomorrow, I'll..."

BUT I want to become "THAT" woman TODAY. I want to put off the things that hinder (the movies, the status quo living, the excessive computer time, the mindset that says I can't) so that I can RUN.

Today, I'm determined to not let who I have been dictate who I will be. For my daughters' sake, yes. But more so...for my own.