A few months ago, a friend introduced me to macrobiotics via "The Kind Diet." Totally changed the way I viewed (and ate) food. More to come on that later.
But one thing that the book touched on was the way meat is processed in America. As I read, I was repulsed by the thought. *gag* And then... last night the whole concept was there in front of me, for my viewing...uh, pleasure?
I watched Food Inc.
If you happened to miss it, you can view it here until April 29th.
But be warned. It WILL change the way you view food. and may just cause you to want to plant a garden, grow chickens, and kiss a cow.
April 22, 2010
April 19, 2010
Blogdom meet Facebook.
If the last few weeks of my life were to be written out Face Book Style, here's what you'd get.
March 14
After two weeks of Macrobiotics (eating), I'm 10 lbs down. This after I hit a plateau where exercise and careful eating were doing jack squat to ward off post-pregnancy lbs.
Ah, sweet bliss. Well..."sweet" only if it comes in to the form of agave, stevia, or brown rice syrup ;)
March 15
Should I be concerned that my 18 month old will routinely eat wax in the form of crayons and candles? Surely there are better things to snack on? Cardboard, dvd containers, hairclips... Oh wait, she gnaws on those too.
March 16
I can't put to words how completely blessed I feel when blog readers send me encouraging emails. Thank you so much, Annie, for yours today!
March 17
Written to my husband on Facebook: "You know you love me. :) (and just in case you forgot...consider this your friendly reminder).
Yeah. my husband doesn't know what he's got. hahahha
March 18
I have officially taken Exhaustion to a whole new level.
March 19
I can now put all three of my littlest girls down (wide awake) for a nap at the same time...and they just lay there until they go to sleep.
Do you hear that? That's me, sighing in sweet relief. Ahh....
March 20
Swarms of mosquitoes? Really?!
March 21
If only rolls on my thighs were considered this cute!!
March 22
I was just informed by my 7yr old that "TODAY is Mating Season."
Consider this your official warning: Animals everywhere may very well be out of control so as to procreate within the next 24 hours.
March 23
I'm continally amazed at how much I love my husband. All I'll say is God is SO faithful.
March 24
I have to admit, I'm feeling VERY spoiled by the Lord right now. Extremely blessed and very very cared for. These last 5 years, He's been leading us step by step to this place. I'm in total awe.
March 25
Hm. What to do when the resident 18 month old thinks that any and all discipline is hilarious? and will subsequently laugh IN YOUR FACE upon implementation of aforementioned correction? *stumped*
March 26
How is it humanly possible to spend all day cleaning only to have it look the exact same way 24 hour later? Do I breed super-humans capable toleap destroy tall buildings in a single bound day?
March 27
After bemoaning the fact that "allllllll" her friends had been losing their teeth for a long time, she FINALLY lost her first tooth. while spending the night at my parent's house... brushing her teeth. :)
March 28
Connecting with an old friend (thanks, Davene) just lifted 15 pounds off my brain. Now...if only I could translate that weight loss to my booty.
March 29
Spring cleaning with five little ones feels somewhat akin to ...Pointless.
March 30
Still can't believe that my baby is already big enough for the exersaucer!
Raquel @3.5 months
March 31
Mid hammer strike, the girls all decided that they wanted to be builders when they grew up.
Until 5 minutes later, when Charis (7) changed her mind and promptly informed us. "Never mind. I don't want a job."
Though they were all thrilled with the end result of their hard work: A cross. ...which they plan on eventually painting. But only when that rare desire to work hits Charis. :)
April 1
Fifteen years ago, a guy friend of mine was preparing the details of how to ask me to marry him. with all my college suitemates present. as an April Fool's Joke.
He got held up at a meeting and it never happened. For some random reason, I wondered today if I would've actually fallen for it (being that it was well known he had a crush...). :)
April 2
The dog that almost was...
Bu-bye, Sasha (our new puppy). She growled and snapped at the girls and me a few times. We're So not keeping a dog that we can't trust 100%, so back to the breeder she goes.
Now to comfort the mass of sobbing girls...
An aside: the breeder said due to the fact that all of her sibling puppies died and she was taken from her mom at an early age, she thinks puppy-girl got used to being the alpha dog.
April 3
For the record, feeding Alana "fun" foods will guarantee 12 hours of her undying friendship.
(Lani with the bribing adult's Shelli's guacamole)
Letting her wear your highly expensive sunglasses may grant you a few more additional hours.
Though proceed with caution, as I cannot insure this to be the case. And you need to take into consideration that she gravitates towards destruction.
*BUT* if you happen to be a blue-eyed, blond haired little boy wanting her friendship...apparently you only need pick her up.
Take note of Raegan in the corner.
She was quietly assuring herself that he'd eventually pick her up too. He never did.
She was still talking about his lack of picking her up the next day. :)
April 4
Uncle Uncle! I give up!
Jet is and will evermore be rendered The Cool Parent. I present to you his creation: Easter Morning Breakfast.
Heart French toast.
He makes the mess and secures the undying love of my daughters. I clean it up and get dishpan hands.
Somehow I get the feeling I have the raw end of the deal, though I just can't put my finger on why. *wry grin*
My beautiful girls, Easter 2010 @ Grandma's.
Selah was sick. Charis looks in pain. Raquel is totally indifferent. And Thing One and Thing Two (A. and R) were clearly working off a sugar high.
No Hallmarkesk moment for us.
April 5
Does it REALLY count as calories if wads...uh, I mean polite bite-sized bits of chocolate are eaten in attempt to ward off stress levels shooting out of control?
Because really, that sounds more like Proactive Health Maintenance to me.
March 14
After two weeks of Macrobiotics (eating), I'm 10 lbs down. This after I hit a plateau where exercise and careful eating were doing jack squat to ward off post-pregnancy lbs.
Ah, sweet bliss. Well..."sweet" only if it comes in to the form of agave, stevia, or brown rice syrup ;)
March 15
Should I be concerned that my 18 month old will routinely eat wax in the form of crayons and candles? Surely there are better things to snack on? Cardboard, dvd containers, hairclips... Oh wait, she gnaws on those too.
March 16
I can't put to words how completely blessed I feel when blog readers send me encouraging emails. Thank you so much, Annie, for yours today!
March 17
Written to my husband on Facebook: "You know you love me. :) (and just in case you forgot...consider this your friendly reminder).
Yeah. my husband doesn't know what he's got. hahahha
March 18
I have officially taken Exhaustion to a whole new level.
March 19
I can now put all three of my littlest girls down (wide awake) for a nap at the same time...and they just lay there until they go to sleep.
Do you hear that? That's me, sighing in sweet relief. Ahh....
March 20
Swarms of mosquitoes? Really?!
March 21
If only rolls on my thighs were considered this cute!!
March 22
I was just informed by my 7yr old that "TODAY is Mating Season."
Consider this your official warning: Animals everywhere may very well be out of control so as to procreate within the next 24 hours.
March 23
I'm continally amazed at how much I love my husband. All I'll say is God is SO faithful.
March 24
I have to admit, I'm feeling VERY spoiled by the Lord right now. Extremely blessed and very very cared for. These last 5 years, He's been leading us step by step to this place. I'm in total awe.
March 25
Hm. What to do when the resident 18 month old thinks that any and all discipline is hilarious? and will subsequently laugh IN YOUR FACE upon implementation of aforementioned correction? *stumped*
March 26
How is it humanly possible to spend all day cleaning only to have it look the exact same way 24 hour later? Do I breed super-humans capable to
March 27
After bemoaning the fact that "allllllll" her friends had been losing their teeth for a long time, she FINALLY lost her first tooth. while spending the night at my parent's house... brushing her teeth. :)
March 28
Connecting with an old friend (thanks, Davene) just lifted 15 pounds off my brain. Now...if only I could translate that weight loss to my booty.
March 29
Spring cleaning with five little ones feels somewhat akin to ...Pointless.
March 30
Still can't believe that my baby is already big enough for the exersaucer!
Raquel @3.5 monthsMarch 31
Mid hammer strike, the girls all decided that they wanted to be builders when they grew up.
Until 5 minutes later, when Charis (7) changed her mind and promptly informed us. "Never mind. I don't want a job."
Though they were all thrilled with the end result of their hard work: A cross. ...which they plan on eventually painting. But only when that rare desire to work hits Charis. :)April 1
Fifteen years ago, a guy friend of mine was preparing the details of how to ask me to marry him. with all my college suitemates present. as an April Fool's Joke.
He got held up at a meeting and it never happened. For some random reason, I wondered today if I would've actually fallen for it (being that it was well known he had a crush...). :)
April 2
The dog that almost was...
Bu-bye, Sasha (our new puppy). She growled and snapped at the girls and me a few times. We're So not keeping a dog that we can't trust 100%, so back to the breeder she goes.
Now to comfort the mass of sobbing girls...An aside: the breeder said due to the fact that all of her sibling puppies died and she was taken from her mom at an early age, she thinks puppy-girl got used to being the alpha dog.
April 3
For the record, feeding Alana "fun" foods will guarantee 12 hours of her undying friendship.
(Lani with Letting her wear your highly expensive sunglasses may grant you a few more additional hours.
Though proceed with caution, as I cannot insure this to be the case. And you need to take into consideration that she gravitates towards destruction.*BUT* if you happen to be a blue-eyed, blond haired little boy wanting her friendship...apparently you only need pick her up.
Take note of Raegan in the corner.
She was quietly assuring herself that he'd eventually pick her up too. He never did.She was still talking about his lack of picking her up the next day. :)
April 4
Uncle Uncle! I give up!
Jet is and will evermore be rendered The Cool Parent. I present to you his creation: Easter Morning Breakfast.
Heart French toast.
He makes the mess and secures the undying love of my daughters. I clean it up and get dishpan hands.Somehow I get the feeling I have the raw end of the deal, though I just can't put my finger on why. *wry grin*
My beautiful girls, Easter 2010 @ Grandma's.
Selah was sick. Charis looks in pain. Raquel is totally indifferent. And Thing One and Thing Two (A. and R) were clearly working off a sugar high.No Hallmarkesk moment for us.
April 5
Does it REALLY count as calories if wads...uh, I mean polite bite-sized bits of chocolate are eaten in attempt to ward off stress levels shooting out of control?
Because really, that sounds more like Proactive Health Maintenance to me.
April 13, 2010
Heeding his "advice"
Amidst all that the Lord has been revealing during the past year, He's showed me the other day that He's only given me two directives.
Meaning out of all that He's been saying, He's only told me to DO two things. The rest is just bonus knowledge for the time being: understanding, insight, and revelation.
And really, I'm so thankful that He pointed that out because I was unsure what to do with the magnitude/frequency of some of what He's been laying on our hearts. Like, was it begging for an immediate sumpin-sumpin on my part? Was I supposed to be figuring out an "appropriate responsive action"?
But thankfully, He doesn't always give revelation in order to evoke immediate action. Sometimes he just wants to share his heart, friend to friend.
His reminder to focus on what I know that I am to do made it that much easier to draw my attention back to the two things that He's asked of me this last year:
And so that's what I've been trying to focus on. And man, if it hasn't kept me busy...and RADICALLY changed my perspective on Stuff.
-----------
After the Lord told me to reallllly deep clean my house, ridding it of all excess and clutter, I truly was stumped. I mean, it's not like I harbor junk. If anything, I always thought I was a bit obsessive when it came to purging our home of things.
(Just ask my family! My girls routinely ask me, "Are we going to have to yardsale that?" Me thinks they fear for their stuff at times. heh heh)
But here He was telling me to, AGAIN, get rid of stuff? Was there actually anything left TO get rid of? I kind of doubted it.
But one day, as I was walking up to the attic...to go through bins that I'd already gone through dozens of times before...He spoke. And though I don't remember the exact wording of it, here's the gist:
That stopped me in my tracks, let me tell you! But it makes sense, you know? Kind of like a "make room so I can fill you with MY good things" type of thought.
And man, if that didn't completely give me a change of heart!! It was like my eyes were opened to a new way of looking at all my excess of unused things.
Where this stuff came from, I don't know??! But I can't tell you the FREEDOM that has come with its exodus from my house. And I'm STILL finding stuff to purge...?!
Honestly, there are times when I don't get the things the Lord tells me to do. It makes little to no sense to me in that moment. But I suppose that's part of faith...trusting that, in time, He'll make it make sense. (at least that's the hope, huh? *grin*)
And, as I sit here, almost a year later, I can't tell you how many times I've been overwhelmed with thankfulness that I yielded my right to understand and obeyed anyway.
Because now...we're actually planning to move. A "random" decision that came Com-plete-ly out of the blue. (more on that later).
I happen to believe that the state of our home reflects the state of our hearts. And I know that the Lord is prepping Jet and I to be lighter. less attached to Stuff. and more free to receive the things I believe He's positioning us to obtain.
You are my friends if you do what I command. John 15:14
Meaning out of all that He's been saying, He's only told me to DO two things. The rest is just bonus knowledge for the time being: understanding, insight, and revelation.
And really, I'm so thankful that He pointed that out because I was unsure what to do with the magnitude/frequency of some of what He's been laying on our hearts. Like, was it begging for an immediate sumpin-sumpin on my part? Was I supposed to be figuring out an "appropriate responsive action"?
But thankfully, He doesn't always give revelation in order to evoke immediate action. Sometimes he just wants to share his heart, friend to friend.
"...the upright are in His confidence." Proverbs 3:32
"The secret (some translations say friendship) of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will show them his covenant."
another translation of the same verse...
"The LORD advises those who fear him. He reveals to them the intent of his promise." Psalm 25:14
His reminder to focus on what I know that I am to do made it that much easier to draw my attention back to the two things that He's asked of me this last year:
And so that's what I've been trying to focus on. And man, if it hasn't kept me busy...and RADICALLY changed my perspective on Stuff.
-----------
After the Lord told me to reallllly deep clean my house, ridding it of all excess and clutter, I truly was stumped. I mean, it's not like I harbor junk. If anything, I always thought I was a bit obsessive when it came to purging our home of things.
(Just ask my family! My girls routinely ask me, "Are we going to have to yardsale that?" Me thinks they fear for their stuff at times. heh heh)
But here He was telling me to, AGAIN, get rid of stuff? Was there actually anything left TO get rid of? I kind of doubted it.
But one day, as I was walking up to the attic...to go through bins that I'd already gone through dozens of times before...He spoke. And though I don't remember the exact wording of it, here's the gist:
You have to get over this mentality of harboring stuff... the thoughts of "one day I'll use it" that seemingly justify your amassing of junk when there are others that can use it today. When you harbor things, it stops my full blessings from being able to be poured out on you.
That stopped me in my tracks, let me tell you! But it makes sense, you know? Kind of like a "make room so I can fill you with MY good things" type of thought.
And man, if that didn't completely give me a change of heart!! It was like my eyes were opened to a new way of looking at all my excess of unused things.
- Suddenly clothes that I had been holding onto, yet never wore for whatever reason...we're boxed up to give to others.
- Toys and books that were never used, were sent out to other children.
- Games that just sit on the shelf taking up space were added to the pile of giveaways.
- Furniture that we could do without...
Where this stuff came from, I don't know??! But I can't tell you the FREEDOM that has come with its exodus from my house. And I'm STILL finding stuff to purge...?!
Honestly, there are times when I don't get the things the Lord tells me to do. It makes little to no sense to me in that moment. But I suppose that's part of faith...trusting that, in time, He'll make it make sense. (at least that's the hope, huh? *grin*)
And, as I sit here, almost a year later, I can't tell you how many times I've been overwhelmed with thankfulness that I yielded my right to understand and obeyed anyway.
Because now...we're actually planning to move. A "random" decision that came Com-plete-ly out of the blue. (more on that later).
I happen to believe that the state of our home reflects the state of our hearts. And I know that the Lord is prepping Jet and I to be lighter. less attached to Stuff. and more free to receive the things I believe He's positioning us to obtain.
April 10, 2010
Trying to put words to it.
More and more and more and more...the Hand of the Lord is moving.
Rapidly repositioning. Swiftly moving, piece by piece, the...well, everything.
as He's loudly proclaimed direction and instruction to my husband and me.
Honestly, the last few months have been like watching a movie. because our life (the plans, the places we thought we were headed, the way the Lord was relating to us) has taken such a random and sudden shift. A shift that we've had no intentional part in creating.
Outside of hearing the voice of God direct, and then moving to obey.
I wish I could just sit down with you and talk, you know? My heart is not to be secretive when the Hand of the Lord is moving like a whirlwind in my life. My desire is to be transparent, honest, and loud when it comes to the ...oh what word to describe His ways?
But there's just too much. Too many things..surreal things that feel odd to even acknowledge. This has been a season of total outpouring from the Lord. Here recently, He's been a chatty one, that guy. ;)
And though Motherhood has been keeping me busy...though priorities have changed to include more time with my daughters and less time with the internet..that's not the reason why I haven't been blogging.
There's just been too much to even being to touch the surface of what He's doing.
There are a precious few who know some of the ins and outs of our lives right now. And even then, that's limited knowledge. It's just all too wild.
I mean, God has been telling us things that I wouldn't ever be bold enough to imagine Him saying, not to mention being crazy enough to share. And you know me, I'm pretty crazy. ;D
...
This is the reason I haven't written. It's just too much. I don't even know where to go from here.
Maybe tomorrow. ;)
Rapidly repositioning. Swiftly moving, piece by piece, the...well, everything.
as He's loudly proclaimed direction and instruction to my husband and me.Honestly, the last few months have been like watching a movie. because our life (the plans, the places we thought we were headed, the way the Lord was relating to us) has taken such a random and sudden shift. A shift that we've had no intentional part in creating.
Outside of hearing the voice of God direct, and then moving to obey.
I wish I could just sit down with you and talk, you know? My heart is not to be secretive when the Hand of the Lord is moving like a whirlwind in my life. My desire is to be transparent, honest, and loud when it comes to the ...oh what word to describe His ways?
But there's just too much. Too many things..surreal things that feel odd to even acknowledge. This has been a season of total outpouring from the Lord. Here recently, He's been a chatty one, that guy. ;)
And though Motherhood has been keeping me busy...though priorities have changed to include more time with my daughters and less time with the internet..that's not the reason why I haven't been blogging.
There's just been too much to even being to touch the surface of what He's doing.
There are a precious few who know some of the ins and outs of our lives right now. And even then, that's limited knowledge. It's just all too wild.
I mean, God has been telling us things that I wouldn't ever be bold enough to imagine Him saying, not to mention being crazy enough to share. And you know me, I'm pretty crazy. ;D
...
This is the reason I haven't written. It's just too much. I don't even know where to go from here.
Maybe tomorrow. ;)
April 4, 2010
Who He is.
Sometimes I wonder if we make Jesus into a Heavenly Father who is sitting on his Throne, tight-lipped, ready to discipline. watching for any and all opportunity to "teach me a lesson".
Sometimes I wonder if we make Him into a convenient excuse for why things happen. "God must have a plan."
And sometimes it just appears that we think Him incapable of an Intervention. indifferent to our circumstances. and overall just sick and tired of our inability to make a decision, create a way, and present a suitable sacrifice.
But the truth is that HE made a way. He does care. and He knows we are but dust... wholly dependent on Him to even enable us to love Him in the first place.
And Thank the Good Lord that He doesn't stray from Who He Is. even when we misunderstand, misinterpret, and misjudge His character.
He Is. and He always will be.
And I'm so very very thankful.
On this Easter morning, I pray you are tangibly touched by Who he REALLY is. and Who He desperately wants to be in your life.
Sometimes I wonder if we make Him into a convenient excuse for why things happen. "God must have a plan."
And sometimes it just appears that we think Him incapable of an Intervention. indifferent to our circumstances. and overall just sick and tired of our inability to make a decision, create a way, and present a suitable sacrifice.
But the truth is that HE made a way. He does care. and He knows we are but dust... wholly dependent on Him to even enable us to love Him in the first place.
And Thank the Good Lord that He doesn't stray from Who He Is. even when we misunderstand, misinterpret, and misjudge His character.
He Is. and He always will be.
And I'm so very very thankful.
On this Easter morning, I pray you are tangibly touched by Who he REALLY is. and Who He desperately wants to be in your life.
March 26, 2010
The Clothes Line
In my parent's side yard are two trees. Trees, that for years and years and years, had a clothes line strung up between them.
For as long as I remember, I would have to physically duck down in order to pass between the trees so that I could go sit on a swing.
A couple years back, my parents took that clothes line down.
Around that time, Jet and I moved back from Texas. And as we waited for the contract on our house to close, we lived with my parents for a couple of months. So on a daily basis, at least once a day, I passed between those two trees to join my girls on their beloved swing.
Just like I had done all of my life.
The first time I walked between the trees (after the line was removed), I ducked. In fact, I hadn't realized that the line was gone yet. I was so used to it's presence, that I just expected it to be there and reacted accordingly.
The second time I walked through, I ducked. Again. The fact that the clothesline was actually gone (and I was aware of this) didn't matter. Because my brain kept insisting:
Day after day, I would pass through those trees. Day after day, my body would draw back as I walked through. Time after time after time...
In all honestly, the whole scenerio was baffling to me.
The fact that I was apparently unable to break this odd habit was crazy. The fact that my body was pulling rank over my rationalizing skills just seemed so silly. Especially since I knew it was gone, you know?!
Especially since I had the reassurance that it was not going back up. Ever.
YET my body had been conditioned to duck, regardless of whether the present-day need was urgent or non-existent. My mind had been trained to anticipate the pain and avoid it.
Habit was over-riding logic. Expectation of being clothes-lined was effecting my daily walk (to the swing).
This "habit", formed out of necessity to avoid pain, had apparently become as involuntary as breathing.
So I, being determined to not let this "invisible line" rule me, started to consciously change my thinking.
It may sound silly, but I'd walk up next to the trees. Stop. And remind myself that the clothes line was not there anymore. That there was no need to duck. That I could just walk straight through. Without incident or pain.
And then, I would proceed to walk through to the swing on the other side.
It took me many many times of this kind of resetting of my mind before I could walk through without physically hesitating or flinching. It took practice. It took a Ginormous amount of mental dedication to walk the path over and over again. *hard to believe*
My body...and my brain...expected an obstacle as I walked that path. Regardless of what reality said I should expect. So I had to intentionally retrain them both.
Crazy isn't it? Even now, as I write this, I think, "Seriously, was it THAT hard?!" But I assure you, it was. Yet during this entire process, I heard the still small voice of the ever-creative Father say, "Isn't this how trust is?"
Huh. Yeah, I guess it is.
If there's any area in my life where I have been hurt again and again, it's easy to just expect it, you know? Regardless of whether "reality" says I have reason or not.
Because when people have let me down again and again...if I have been betrayed, back-stabbed, or emotionally beaten down...it's near impossible to not just expect it and react accordingly. Regardless of how I want to react, you know?
It's a tricky thing, our brain. When you think a thought enough times, it literally creates a groove/pathway within the framework of the brain. Essentially, it becomes easier and easier to think the same thought. Or in music, to play the same song without effort. Or I'd wager a guess... in relationships, to expect the same outcome.
SO on the same token, does that mean that it becomes harder and harder to think something that travels apart from that groove? *shrug* Just a guess.
The question that I have to ask myself is this: what grooves have been niched out in the framework of my brain? Spiritually, emotionally, relationally, etc.
Are there invisible "clotheslines" in my life where I continue to duck? Expecting to get pelted,when it's not really reality? Am I walking through life, avoiding going between the proverbial trees because I think a boobie-trap of sorts has been set?
Am I withholding my heart...my trust...from a particular relationship because I have trained it to hide behind walls for protection sake?
My guess. Yeah. There are many invisible clotheslines. Especially where relationships are concerned. I expect certain people to act a certain way towards me.
So okay, Lord. You have my attention. I get it. You used that stinkin' clothesline to challenge me. To show me that I have some trust issues. ....I'm listening. What do I need to do? Show me how and what to change.
Renew my mind so that I may interact with those people (You know the ones) in a way that doesn't stem from fear, haughtiness, judgement, or hate.
I really do want to be able to walk to "the other side" without expecting to be *whacked*.
For as long as I remember, I would have to physically duck down in order to pass between the trees so that I could go sit on a swing.
A couple years back, my parents took that clothes line down.
Around that time, Jet and I moved back from Texas. And as we waited for the contract on our house to close, we lived with my parents for a couple of months. So on a daily basis, at least once a day, I passed between those two trees to join my girls on their beloved swing.
Just like I had done all of my life.
The first time I walked between the trees (after the line was removed), I ducked. In fact, I hadn't realized that the line was gone yet. I was so used to it's presence, that I just expected it to be there and reacted accordingly.
The second time I walked through, I ducked. Again. The fact that the clothesline was actually gone (and I was aware of this) didn't matter. Because my brain kept insisting:
- You can't always see a clothes line until you're almost on top of it.
- It will hurt. Therefore avoid it at all costs.
Day after day, I would pass through those trees. Day after day, my body would draw back as I walked through. Time after time after time...
In all honestly, the whole scenerio was baffling to me.
The fact that I was apparently unable to break this odd habit was crazy. The fact that my body was pulling rank over my rationalizing skills just seemed so silly. Especially since I knew it was gone, you know?!
Especially since I had the reassurance that it was not going back up. Ever.
YET my body had been conditioned to duck, regardless of whether the present-day need was urgent or non-existent. My mind had been trained to anticipate the pain and avoid it.
Habit was over-riding logic. Expectation of being clothes-lined was effecting my daily walk (to the swing).
This "habit", formed out of necessity to avoid pain, had apparently become as involuntary as breathing.
So I, being determined to not let this "invisible line" rule me, started to consciously change my thinking.
It may sound silly, but I'd walk up next to the trees. Stop. And remind myself that the clothes line was not there anymore. That there was no need to duck. That I could just walk straight through. Without incident or pain.
And then, I would proceed to walk through to the swing on the other side.
It took me many many times of this kind of resetting of my mind before I could walk through without physically hesitating or flinching. It took practice. It took a Ginormous amount of mental dedication to walk the path over and over again. *hard to believe*
My body...and my brain...expected an obstacle as I walked that path. Regardless of what reality said I should expect. So I had to intentionally retrain them both.
Crazy isn't it? Even now, as I write this, I think, "Seriously, was it THAT hard?!" But I assure you, it was. Yet during this entire process, I heard the still small voice of the ever-creative Father say, "Isn't this how trust is?"
Huh. Yeah, I guess it is.
If there's any area in my life where I have been hurt again and again, it's easy to just expect it, you know? Regardless of whether "reality" says I have reason or not.
Because when people have let me down again and again...if I have been betrayed, back-stabbed, or emotionally beaten down...it's near impossible to not just expect it and react accordingly. Regardless of how I want to react, you know?
It's a tricky thing, our brain. When you think a thought enough times, it literally creates a groove/pathway within the framework of the brain. Essentially, it becomes easier and easier to think the same thought. Or in music, to play the same song without effort. Or I'd wager a guess... in relationships, to expect the same outcome.
SO on the same token, does that mean that it becomes harder and harder to think something that travels apart from that groove? *shrug* Just a guess.
The question that I have to ask myself is this: what grooves have been niched out in the framework of my brain? Spiritually, emotionally, relationally, etc.
Are there invisible "clotheslines" in my life where I continue to duck? Expecting to get pelted,when it's not really reality? Am I walking through life, avoiding going between the proverbial trees because I think a boobie-trap of sorts has been set?
Am I withholding my heart...my trust...from a particular relationship because I have trained it to hide behind walls for protection sake?
My guess. Yeah. There are many invisible clotheslines. Especially where relationships are concerned. I expect certain people to act a certain way towards me.
So okay, Lord. You have my attention. I get it. You used that stinkin' clothesline to challenge me. To show me that I have some trust issues. ....I'm listening. What do I need to do? Show me how and what to change.
Renew my mind so that I may interact with those people (You know the ones) in a way that doesn't stem from fear, haughtiness, judgement, or hate.
I really do want to be able to walk to "the other side" without expecting to be *whacked*.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2
March 16, 2010
Changing the way you approach QUIET times...
I'm sorry, but did you just say "QUIET"?!
Excuse me while I laugh because I'm fairly certain "quiet" just isn't a part of my life right now.
In fact, there's nothing particularly quiet about my life these days. Shoot, even my nights aren't quiet. Yet somehow I'm expected to have a "legitimate quiet time"?
Uh...?
One day I'll be able to go off by myself, find a field or a stretch of beach that's all my own while I bear my heart before God.
But today is not that day, you know?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Lord. I have a daily relationship with Him. We communicate...I talk. He listens. He talks. I listen. But getting away by myself, physically positioning myself in prayer...
Well, it's just not happening right now.
But I'm pretty okay with that. Only because I KNOW my Heavenly Father is okay with it as well. Because I believe He understands, MORE THAN ANYONE, what my days look like.
BUT, that said...
Even though I can't physically position myself, I'm learning how to inwardly position my heart.
And man, if it hasn't been revealing in my lack of "steadfastness". and of my (in)ability to "Pray without ceasing..."
Okay, so there are daily chores that have to be accomplished, right? You know, in order to not run out of underwear. or dishes. or carpet space so as to be able to walk through a room.
In a house of 7 people, there's always something that needs to be done so we are able to accomplish the most basic things in life. There just seems to be no way around it.
I mean, sure I could forgo fixing lunch and washing towels, but do I really want to contend with ravenous, hygiene-deficient children? I think not. ;)
So what the Lord has been challenging me with? To do the things that Motherhood requires,but and to simultaneously set my heart and mind and focus on him in the midst of it.
As I'm washing clothes or vacuuming up yet another box of cereal that Alana dumped on the floor, I'm trying to SET my heart on him and INTENTIONALLY place my thoughts on praying.
Sounds easier than it really is. Seriously.
Because I'll be mid-sentence in prayer and suddenly my thoughts run off in a THOUSAND directions.
And I don't even realize what happened until 5 minutes later when it suddenly occurs to me that I'm thinking about wild monkeys in India when, just moments before, I WAS praying about the health of my children.
Thank the good Lord, he has an a-maz-ing sense of humor.
But, good news is, I'm getting better. I think the first time I tried to "pray without ceasing" amidst the daily ins and outs of life, I lasted all of 12.7 seconds before my thoughts strayed.
Now, I may very well be up to 24.5. *laughing*
But, being that I'm a Professional Mom and all, I'm all about applauding "baby steps". :D
Here's to reworking the way I define "Quiet Times" during this season in life when "inside voices" is as quiet as it gets.
Excuse me while I laugh because I'm fairly certain "quiet" just isn't a part of my life right now.
In fact, there's nothing particularly quiet about my life these days. Shoot, even my nights aren't quiet. Yet somehow I'm expected to have a "legitimate quiet time"?
Uh...?
One day I'll be able to go off by myself, find a field or a stretch of beach that's all my own while I bear my heart before God.But today is not that day, you know?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Lord. I have a daily relationship with Him. We communicate...I talk. He listens. He talks. I listen. But getting away by myself, physically positioning myself in prayer...
Well, it's just not happening right now.
But I'm pretty okay with that. Only because I KNOW my Heavenly Father is okay with it as well. Because I believe He understands, MORE THAN ANYONE, what my days look like.
BUT, that said...
Even though I can't physically position myself, I'm learning how to inwardly position my heart.
And man, if it hasn't been revealing in my lack of "steadfastness". and of my (in)ability to "Pray without ceasing..."
Okay, so there are daily chores that have to be accomplished, right? You know, in order to not run out of underwear. or dishes. or carpet space so as to be able to walk through a room.
In a house of 7 people, there's always something that needs to be done so we are able to accomplish the most basic things in life. There just seems to be no way around it.I mean, sure I could forgo fixing lunch and washing towels, but do I really want to contend with ravenous, hygiene-deficient children? I think not. ;)
So what the Lord has been challenging me with? To do the things that Motherhood requires,
As I'm washing clothes or vacuuming up yet another box of cereal that Alana dumped on the floor, I'm trying to SET my heart on him and INTENTIONALLY place my thoughts on praying.
Sounds easier than it really is. Seriously.
Because I'll be mid-sentence in prayer and suddenly my thoughts run off in a THOUSAND directions.
And I don't even realize what happened until 5 minutes later when it suddenly occurs to me that I'm thinking about wild monkeys in India when, just moments before, I WAS praying about the health of my children.
Thank the good Lord, he has an a-maz-ing sense of humor.
But, good news is, I'm getting better. I think the first time I tried to "pray without ceasing" amidst the daily ins and outs of life, I lasted all of 12.7 seconds before my thoughts strayed.
Now, I may very well be up to 24.5. *laughing*
But, being that I'm a Professional Mom and all, I'm all about applauding "baby steps". :D
Here's to reworking the way I define "Quiet Times" during this season in life when "inside voices" is as quiet as it gets.
March 12, 2010
Priorities...
These are mine.
...minus a cute, little newborn. and one studly man.
It's official. I'm not wonder woman.
I know, I know. Alert the media, right? But man, if the addition of this last little one has changed everything. My mindset. My priorities. My ability to get things done. My desire to even do certain things.
Maybe it's just because we have three girls aged 2 years and under? Or because I'm 33 years old and my body hasn't been quite as agreeable this postpartum? Or maybe I just have too much on my plate?
Whatever the reason, I think having 5 children is definitely more demanding than 4.
So yeah, whoever said going from 1 to 2 children is the hardest transition...never had more than two. ;)
Either way, I'm loving it... but am just not as apt to sit down and capture all that goes on in this house.
I'm too busy living it. because it'd break my heart if my girls, once grown, looked back on this time in their life and said, "Well, Mom was sure one heck of a blogger."
...minus a cute, little newborn. and one studly man.It's official. I'm not wonder woman.
I know, I know. Alert the media, right? But man, if the addition of this last little one has changed everything. My mindset. My priorities. My ability to get things done. My desire to even do certain things.
Maybe it's just because we have three girls aged 2 years and under? Or because I'm 33 years old and my body hasn't been quite as agreeable this postpartum? Or maybe I just have too much on my plate?
Whatever the reason, I think having 5 children is definitely more demanding than 4.
So yeah, whoever said going from 1 to 2 children is the hardest transition...never had more than two. ;)
Either way, I'm loving it... but am just not as apt to sit down and capture all that goes on in this house.
I'm too busy living it. because it'd break my heart if my girls, once grown, looked back on this time in their life and said, "Well, Mom was sure one heck of a blogger."
March 11, 2010
Seeds of vision
(picture taken April 2009)The other morning during our worship time, Charis said, "Mommy...last night I was thinking about me being in Africa. I went to the leader of Africa and asked if the people (christian) could worship their God there....and he said Yes!"
Me: Did you dream that or were you just thinking about it?
"I was thinking about it; I think God gave me that thought." She pauses before looking up at me, with a huge smile of satisfaction on her face, and said, "It's pretty hard to stand up to him (African leader), huh?"
I believe that God speaks to our children. and I'm certain that He plants visions of purpose in their hearts long before they are old enough to carry them out.
I'm excited to see where this one leads...
March 10, 2010
Suck it up, Girl
"TOO EMOTIONAL"
As a woman having five daughters, I hear ALL. THE. TIME. how sorry people feel for me. how they're glad it's me and not them. and how they don't know if they'd be able to handle all the drama I'm bound to run into during their teen years.
(I'm sure it can be scientifically proven that Idiots are people who lack the ability to hear the words coming out of their own mouths. If a bonafide scientist happens to be reading this and wants to conduct a field study on this topic, I can totally refer you loads of people.)
Why people find it necessary to say this, I'll never know. Why some think its their duty to categorize the emotional part of women as something Less-Than, I just don't understand...
Years ago, I dated a guy who judged me harshly for any tears I cried. saying I was being dramatic. intentionally turning on the tears. and using them as manipulation. It took me YEARS before I let myself cry again. Yes, I'm serious.
Even as a young girl, I learned how to NOT let things bother me as deeply as they really did. It was a survival technique that I had to fine tune in order to emotionally survive certain things/people in my life. And yes, I remember being accused of using my tears as manipulation.
Media, television, and general conversations comment about girls being the emotional gender. A sentiment rarely spoken as a compliment, as it's usually accompanied with the whole "weaker sex" ideal.
It's a one-two punch to women everywhere: Emotional = Weak = BAD
I personally think the whole thing a recipe for disaster: A society who's leading its people to believe there's something completely WRONG and WEAK with crying/showing emotion. (all while desensitizing us with crap on the television. but that's another topic)
Excuse me while I shout *Give me a break, people!* because that's just not true; God designed us to feel and express and love deeply.
So the question I find myself asking is how to train five emotional daughters in a way that:
1. Allows them the freedom to feel the entire spectrum of emotions
2. To the DEPTH that God created them, as individuals, to feel it.
3. All while training them to not let their emotions run/ruin their lives.
Because I don't want to accidentally teach my girls that they should be ashamed of their emotions. or have to guard them at all costs, even to their detriment. or ignore any negative feelings that they have. ...all to avoid being considered "wrong" or "weak".
YET. I don't want to lead them into thinking that never have to temper their emotions OR that feelings should be their guide.
I'm finding the whole thing is a really really really fine line to walk.
At this stage in their lives, I'm trying to teach them the difference between whining and crying. And all I can say is God help me.
My hope is to show them that while there's truth to tears... whining, on the other hand, is lazy, self-centered, and unacceptable. But let's be honest, that's a hard concept to grasp, especially for
Do I know exactly how to do this yet? Nope. But I do know that one key aspect is for me to remember what it was like to be a little girl. Because what I, as an adult, consider a "legitimate" issue on the spectrum of "Deserves tears" will not always be the same thing that my girls consider legitimate crying material.
I.E: My oldest daughters sometime feel very overwhelmed when trying to learn a new math concept. Because,to them, it IS difficult and frustrating and therefore, emotional.
But to ME, as their homeschooling teacher, it's just plain annoying to have them burst into sobs/tears when a new school concept is being taught. (just keepin' it real here *grin*)
So I'm having to constantly remind myself that I can't always go by what my adult interpretation of whining vs crying is. And yes, I find myself going back and apologizing for those times when I wrongfully define their honest tears as immature whining.
*sigh*
I'm guessing that I'll frequently fail in this whole "teaching them about appropriate ways of showing negative emotions"....but I'm praying that I err on the side of grace, you know?
Because I never want to fault them for their tears. connect their sadness to deserving a guilt trip. or always insinuate that their honest feelings are being aimed to manipulate others.
I never want them to view the depth of their emotions as "too much". thinking that they're only acceptable when they are even-keel, never-phased, emotionless girls.
If nothing else is accomplished regarding my daughters and their deep range of emotions, I want to raise girls that:
- feel comfortable expressing themselves.
- celebrate the fact that God created them to feel deeply
- recognize that emotions are a gift, not a curse.
- know better than to allow others to force them into stuffing what they feel
I want to have girls-turned-women that are strong enough to let others know they feel deeply. trusting that as they mature, so will their understanding of crying vs. whining. as well as all the other complexities in the World of Emotion.
And though I want to keep leading them toward that place of maturity, I want even more to establish that they can trust me their sadness and pain and humiliation and....whatever other emotions some may deem excessive.
So to all those people who think my future is bleak because of my daughters' inevitable unstable emotions... I have to say that I'm actually looking forward to the time in life where I have five teens.
My home will never be dull. lacking in laughter. or paralyzed when it comes to expression or love.
And seriously, is that such a bad thing?
March 5, 2010
Miraculous healing
Some people think that miracles only happen in Third World Countries. But thankfully, God is on the move.
ALL Around the World.
Here's one story...my friend's miraculous testimony of the Lord healing her paralysis.
View Here.
ALL Around the World.
Here's one story...my friend's miraculous testimony of the Lord healing her paralysis.
View Here.
March 4, 2010
Gracie
Christmas Day, the Lord gave us a gift.
Here's Toby inspecting said gift. He was just starting to get used to her presence.
This little cat, lovingly named Gracie by my daughters, has brought so much joy (and distraction) to our home today.
Though I have to say, we've been worried about her, as she went missing over the weekend. Not the best time for her absence, you know?
Charis went looking all around the house...calling for her...looking under the decks and porches... eventually coming back in crying, asking if I thought Gracie was dead too.
*sigh*
Thankfully she came "home" again today, after being MIA for four days. I've never been so happy to see a cat in all my life.
Suddenly "buy cat food" is on our things to do list.
Here's Toby inspecting said gift. He was just starting to get used to her presence.This little cat, lovingly named Gracie by my daughters, has brought so much joy (and distraction) to our home today.
Though I have to say, we've been worried about her, as she went missing over the weekend. Not the best time for her absence, you know?
Charis went looking all around the house...calling for her...looking under the decks and porches... eventually coming back in crying, asking if I thought Gracie was dead too.
*sigh*
Thankfully she came "home" again today, after being MIA for four days. I've never been so happy to see a cat in all my life.
Suddenly "buy cat food" is on our things to do list.
March 3, 2010
Twisted Stomach
My gut reaction, when Toby suddenly died, was to ask "Do you think someone poisoned him?"
I don't know why I asked that. but nothing made sense during those first few hours, so my mind was spinning.
Then Jet was able to talk with our vet, who told him that they were fairly certain it was something called "Twisted Stomach".
I don't even want to write anything about it because it makes me cry. though I am glad to know that it wasn't foul play.
I don't know why I asked that. but nothing made sense during those first few hours, so my mind was spinning.
Then Jet was able to talk with our vet, who told him that they were fairly certain it was something called "Twisted Stomach".
I don't even want to write anything about it because it makes me cry. though I am glad to know that it wasn't foul play.
March 2, 2010
Ready or not...
(picture of burial taken ONLY because the girls asked me to)Death came.
It's been one heck of a day. One where my girls went from sobbing... to "just fine"... back to sobbing... to questioning... to sad...and then back again.
Me? I stayed fairly constant... weepy. Anytime you look at the face of death, it's not easy. But when you face it while holding the hand of a child, it's substantially harder. Because the way that they learn to grieve, to handle loss, and to understand death is all based on how they see me doing those things. So today I made it a point to be as real as possible.
...I openly cried. and found them watching me and crying as well.
...I explained that some people grieve differently than others. To which Charis promptly and tearfully informed me that "Nothing you just said helped me. I'm. still. sad." (her honesty made me smile)
...I answered questions as honestly as I could, which I found only generated deeper questions from their hearts.
...I didn't pretend to know what I have no clue about: Do animals go to heaven? "I don't know, but if God did take animals to heaven, can you imagine what Toby would be doing now?" ...and then we'd try to guess what fun things he'd be getting into.
...and I didn't question or correct their emotions but tried my hardest to support their process of grieving. Whatever that had to look like for them.
Though I do have to say, at one point, I did have to intervene because it was getting to a place where it was bordering unhealthy. They had been (surprisingly) fine for the majority of the afternoon. But when it came time to get ready to go to my parents' house to bury him, things started to heat up on the emotional front. Charis started to rehearse, over and over again, how sad she was...throwing herself sobbing on the bed. To which Selah followed suit. Um yeah, so much from learning the grieving process from ME. Who am I kidding? They have a posse of sisters who willingly volunteer to lead the way.
As I got the other girls ready, I could hear Charis and Selah in their room, their sobs getting louder and louder. Their wails of "Toby! Toby!" over and over again getting more and more intense, and I was honestly torn. Because while I knew they were really upset, I also sensed they were experimenting with their grief levels.
YET, I wanted to be really careful to NOT hover and define their grief for them.
YET, I didn't want them to work themselves into a frenzy. and believe me, they can.
Sure enough, when I walked in their room both were pretty much watching themselves in the mirror, sort of working off of each other and their reflection of open-mouthed sobs. God bless their hearts...it wasn't an easy day. For any of us.
What do you say to your child as they cry, "My life doesn't feel right without him!"?
What comfort do you really have to offer when your child cries, "But I want to be in heaven now. I want to see what heaven looks like. I want to see Jesus. I don't want to wait anymore."
......
On so many levels, emotions regarding this run deep for me.
We've had Toby since we got married. So, Jet and I, as a couple, have never not had him. He's been a part of "us" for over 8 years. He's the reason that I've felt safe when Jet wasn't here. I knew, without doubt, no fool would walk into our house with The Beast present. He was my fierce protector, yet my daughter's cuddle bug.
It's surprised me how deeply I grieved...and almost embarrassed me. What adult sobs over a dog? ME!!
But on the flip side, I suppose it's been "good" for the girls to have an up close and personal introduction/understanding of death via a pet and not a person.
*sigh* Honestly I don't even know what to say. so here's just a few things I want to remember:
- Raegan stayed surprisingly levelheaded: "Why's everyone crying? Toby's dead, right?" "What's the matter guys?"
-Charis grieved hard and fast. Selah went deep and slow.
-Charis seemed to get closure by looking at Toby's body. Selah got more emotional.
-Both of the older girls had lots of questions about bodies and spirits and going to heaven.
-After burying Toby, Charis sad, "That was fun. I didn't even cry." ??
It's been a long day. From Jet waking me up to give me the news. to Selah sobbing herself to sleep.
I have a feeling the next few days will be a series of ups and downs. I'm just thankful that our hearts are anchored in The Rock. So even when our grief is all across the board, He holds us.
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April 6
I hereby acknowledge that hygiene is overrated when dealing with children who refuse to stay clean.
April 7
On the upside, Selah has obviously been listening during all of our Healthy Eating discussions. On the downside, I think she may have misunderstood the value of cholesterol.
I present to you her entrepreneurial venture:
April 8
And the headlines read: Slacker Mother finally caves and dyes Easter Eggs with her children.
April 9
Okay, I confess. I bought my children Easter Bunnies that they nev-er knew existed. Clearly, I have issues.
(as in, I ate them)
April 10
About midnight Jet checked on Raegan (3yrs). As she slept that deep breathing kind of sleep, he whispered in her ear "Whose girl?" In her sleep, she immediately whispered: "Daddy's girl."
You should have seen him. He's so past in love with that little girl.
April 11
Take three little girls (3 mo, 18 mo. and 3 yrs) who haven't been breathing, sleeping, or nursing well and multiply it by 6 consecutive nights and you get ---> one morning trip to ER and two exhausted parents.
April 12
Take note. It took five tries before my dominant DNA got tired and gave Jet's a fighting chance. heh heh
In fact, I just look at her and think "Jet".
April 13
Please tell me, oh owner of the old house with 10 acres, that you did not just point out the nasty meat stains (circa Civil War) on the attic floor as a real estate selling point!? Honestly?
April 14
Alana fell and hit her head causing her to cry so hard that she passed out. Again. This is the third time that she's passed out when crying.
The first time it happened, I about passed out myself.
April 15
I was just informed that "I don't want to be a parent...because I don't want to be old like you."
Be advised parenting is not for the faint of heart. or those lacking in confidence, humor, or the ability to bite your tongue.
April 16
In case you weren't aware, curling up in the fetal position and loudly crying DOES get your children to stop fighting. Just needed to clear that up.
April 17
After two full weeks of sick children, I now understand why sleep deprivation is an effective form for getting prisoners to "confess". I'm fairly confident I'll say whatever you want me to....if you just ensure I'll get 5 hours of consecutive sleep.
April 18
Just had THE Biggest Scare of my life. (Blog to follow).
April 19
After a month long fiasco, we have finally been cleared for a refinance. Our old mortgage company went bankrupt, selling our mortgage to another company...who was giving us the run-around (to put it nicely) when we requested required information over and over and over again.
So glad to have that behind us. *closure feels so good*
So there you have it. The ins and outs of my day that you didn't necessarily want to know. Uh-huh...You're welcome. ;)